sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
(09-30-2014, 12:14 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
the contrasting image of the sun going down and the moonflowers climbing work well here.
not sure the cut is good enough as a counter part,
(09-30-2014, 12:14 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
a suggestion to make a more defined tack eksewhere;
sundown
moon flowers climb my trellis-
the gutter needs cleaning
(09-30-2014, 11:41 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]not sure the cut is good enough as a counter part,
(09-30-2014, 12:14 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
a suggestion to make a more defined tack eksewhere;
sundown
moon flowers climb my trellis-
the gutter needs cleaning
That's cool, billy 
(09-30-2014, 10:52 PM)Tamara Wrote: [ -> ] (09-30-2014, 12:14 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
the contrasting image of the sun going down and the moonflowers climbing work well here.
thank you tamara
(09-30-2014, 11:41 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]not sure the cut is good enough as a counter part,
(09-30-2014, 12:14 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
a suggestion to make a more defined tack eksewhere;
sundown
moon flowers climb my trellis-
the gutter needs cleaning
ha! point taken...i shall think on this. thanks billy.
I might replace the "my" in order to keep the ego/human in the distance.
but that is just me.
a wonderful haiku:
sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
sublime yin/yang balance
and how I'd like to climb her trellis and clean out her gutter
(billy made me think this)
(11-08-2014, 07:14 AM)donbouquet Wrote: [ -> ]I might replace the "my" in order to keep the ego/human in the distance.
but that is just me.
hmm, hadn't thought about that! thanks!
(11-08-2014, 05:24 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ]a wonderful haiku:
sundown -
moonflowers
climb my trellis
sublime yin/yang balance
and how I'd like to climb her trellis and clean out her gutter
(billy made me think this)
thanks!
also...ha!
(11-09-2014, 03:05 AM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ] (11-08-2014, 07:14 AM)donbouquet Wrote: [ -> ]I might replace the "my" in order to keep the ego/human in the distance.
but that is just me.
hmm, hadn't thought about that! thanks!
The 'my' is in keeping with the spirit of haiku.
Haiku's basis is human observation/comparison/interaction of/to/with nature.
Of course a "my" is optional; but haiku (like any other form of art and
especially one based on language) is the product of a human observer.
Real egotism is the pretense that it isn't.
i'd also say the my is a major part of the line, other wise it creates a 2nd cut which the authour doesn't want; without the my he could be writing about any flowers and any trellis. here he.observing them on his trellis,
another em dash....
great haiku...
make up your own rules, I usually do....but in most haiku/senryu the line breaks become the punctuation.
(11-09-2014, 04:25 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]Good one.
(11-09-2014, 10:17 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ] (11-09-2014, 03:05 AM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ] (11-08-2014, 07:14 AM)donbouquet Wrote: [ -> ]I might replace the "my" in order to keep the ego/human in the distance.
but that is just me.
hmm, hadn't thought about that! thanks!
The 'my' is in keeping with the spirit of haiku.
Haiku's basis is human observation/comparison/interaction of/to/with nature.
Of course a "my" is optional; but haiku (like any other form of art and
especially one based on language) is the product of a human observer.
Real egotism is the pretense that it isn't.
(11-09-2014, 04:42 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]i'd also say the my is a major part of the line, other wise it creates a 2nd cut which the authour doesn't want; without the my he could be writing about any flowers and any trellis. here he.observing them on his trellis,
(11-10-2014, 11:58 PM)bena Wrote: [ -> ]another em dash....
great haiku...
make up your own rules, I usually do....but in most haiku/senryu the line breaks become the punctuation.
thanks all. i'll keep the "my" for now.
melificent, don't you make fun of my em dash!!
i know haiku is generally punctuation free