Calm, in all its continuity,
threaded delicately through time,
flickering past and present
___but threatening to tighten
at the imminent jolt of
__________________unease
Original:
calm in all its continuity
a loose thread through time
not taut
so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease
(07-29-2014, 03:53 AM)Dupuis Wrote: [ -> ]calm in all its continuity
a loose thread through time
not taut
so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease
I like the subject matter - a loose thread causing anxiety. Something small having an affect, cool. However, "flickering" seems out of place. There is no mention of light, so what is flickering? Just my thoughts though. This can be easily mended!
Dupuis,
I'm wondering how this "thread" is "calm in all its continuity" but "easily slackens into...of unease"? As Inigo Montoya said to Vizzini in The Princess Bride, "I don't think that word means what you think it means".
As "thread" is not define as any particular type of thread, or as a metaphor for something else, one must assume that it is simply "a thread".
"Flickering" suggests fire of some sort, not a thread. However it is an excellent example of a mixed metaphor.
Some punctuation would help with clarity and possibly give some meaning to what is here.
Just wondering if "not taut" is suppose to be a play on "not taught"? If it is, I think using "taught" rather than "taut" would work better.
Just curious, does your nom de plume refer to Roy Dupuis, or that French savant Charles-something Dupuis, or to someone else?
Dale
Haha this is fun! Thanks for the feedback guys.
Easiest question first -- my user name is simply my real name (a novel idea, I know).
As to the poem itself, just two responses seem to fully confirm what I already suspected or should have guessed -- that the poem is abstruse to the point of pointlessness.
By "taut" I certainly did not mean to suggest "taught," and while I see how "flickering" may evoke flames, I am of the humble opinion that a thread could also be said to flicker without being metaphorical.
The feedback from both posters has helped me to realize that the title, which I previously felt was a good fit, is in fact quite problematic since it introduces the "thread" and leads one to read the poem as being about a thread (in retrospect this is obvious of course). In fact, I conceived of the poem as being about "calm," with an untaut thread as a metaphor for calm.
Pardon the self-indulgent working through of my thoughts here. I have rarely shared any poetry before, and certainly have never received such specific feedback, so I'm going through the revision process with pronounced deliberateness. Furthermore, I have yet to develop any proper understanding of what audience I am writing for, or whether I am, in fact, writing for anyone beside myself. Something I maybe should have thought about before posting this thing.
(07-29-2014, 03:53 AM)Dupuis Wrote: [ -> ]calm in all its continuity I naturally pause here when I read this, so you might want to add some punctuation.
a loose thread through time
not taut
so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease
I don't have a problem with flickering. I don't like the use of "slackens" here however, it literally means "relax, or loosen" but you're using in the opposite manner (to depict unease). If this were my poem, I would have the thread tighten into stiff spines of unease in contrast to the looseness of calm. In the first stanza I already get an image of a thread gently "flickering" to depict calm so using that same image (only more violently) to depict unease is kind of confusing.
I like your idea of a string as a metaphor for calm, but think it could be better executed (you're free to disagree).
Just write for yourself, and if others like your stuff too, that's great. Otherwise you'll spend too much time worrying about how to please everyone but yourself. If someone offers you critique you like then use it, but if you disagree with it don't let it wrankle you. Welcome to the site.
(07-29-2014, 01:44 PM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ] (07-29-2014, 03:53 AM)Dupuis Wrote: [ -> ]calm in all its continuity I naturally pause here when I read this, so you might want to add some punctuation.
a loose thread through time
not taut
so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease
I don't have a problem with flickering. I don't like the use of "slackens" here however, it literally means "relax, or loosen" but you're using in the opposite manner. If this were my poem, I would have the thread tighten into stiff spines of unease in contrast to the looseness of calm. In the first stanza I already get an image of a thread gently "flickering" to depict calm so using that same image (only more violently) to depict unease is kind of confusing.
I like your idea of a string as a metaphor for calm, but think it could be better executed (you're free to disagree).
Just write for yourself, and if others like your stuff too, that's great. Otherwise you'll spend too much time worrying about how to please everyone but yourself. If someone offers you critique you like then use it, but if you disagree with it don't let it wrankle you. Welcome to the site.
I'm not rankled haha. I'm just legitimately amused by how differently others read the poem compared to my internal reading, and how obvious it is that the language is unclear once someone describes their reading of it. I am amused by myself here, not by the critiques, which are quite revealing for me.
A perfect example is the notion you bring up that, in keeping with the untaut thread as a metaphor for calm, it would make sense for a taut thread to represent the opposite of calm. It seems obvious now that you've mentioned it, and I find it amusing that while composing the poem it made sense to me that the counterpoint to a loose, untaut thread would be an even more slack thread.
The fact that I seem not to know the meaning of "continuity," "taut," "slacken," and "flicker" makes it pretty obvious to me that my words are not conveying anything remotely precise. Even if I am writing "for myself," that's something worth recognizing, so thanks again for the feedback!
Edit: I've put up a new version, curious to see if it conveys anything more precise than the original attempt. Still needs a new title, however.
Hi, Dupuis, welcome.
The edit helped me out. I don't think I would miss "in all its continuity", the next line says it for me. The "of unease" still makes me uneasy. I think I would prefer a different final word that is less wishy-washy.
Your poem, glad to have you here, IMO fun is the best way to come at it.
(07-29-2014, 03:53 AM)Dupuis Wrote: [ -> ]Calm, in all its continuity,
threaded delicately through time,
flickering past and present
___but threatening to tighten
at the imminent jolt of
__________________unease
Original:
calm in all its continuity
a loose thread through time
not taut
so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease