crows on a wire
black sun cut in half
by sharp plains
--
leaves falling
a children’s park buried
in dead reminders
--
floral skirt
wind runs through her curls
picking up petals
--
a match sparks
eyes appear from darkness
seeing only eyes
(07-26-2014, 06:15 PM)ajcohen613 Wrote: [ -> ]crows on a wire
black sun cut in half
by sharp plains
--
leaves falling
a children’s park buried
in dead reminders
--
floral skirt
wind runs through her curls
picking up petals
--
a match sparks
eyes appear from darkness
seeing only eyes
I think the third poem presents the most compelling image. The alliteration and rhythm of the last line is wonderful.
However, it took me 4 or 5 readings to realize that "her" referred to a girl/woman -- for some reason I thought you were using a gendered pronoun to refer to the floral skirt. I think part of the reason I got stuck on that bizarre reading is that the first line simply picks out this object (a floral skirt), leading me to unconsciously assume that the action in the next line has the skirt as its object. You could consider inserting a verb before "floral skirt," or switching the first two lines, as this might improve flow. My two cent take on it:
fluttering floral skirt
the wind through her curls
picking up petals
best to just post one poem in a thread ajc as it's a tad unfair to expect four replies off each person.
the idea i think is to use as much brevity as possile while showing a strong image. no problems in general with the first three but the last one needs something better on the last line.
(07-26-2014, 06:15 PM)ajcohen613 Wrote: [ -> ]crows on a wire
black sun cut in half
by sharp plains
--
leaves falling
a children’s park buried
in dead reminders
--
floral skirt
wind runs through her curls
picking up petals
--
a match sparks
eyes appear from darkness
seeing only eyes for me this line fails to show or tell me anything. it also begs the question " wouldn't the match also be seen"?
(07-29-2014, 07:14 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]best to just post one poem in a thread ajc as it's a tad unfair to expect four replies off each person.
the idea i think is to use as much brevity as possile while showing a strong image. no problems in general with the first three but the last one needs something better on the last line.
(07-26-2014, 06:15 PM)ajcohen613 Wrote: [ -> ]crows on a wire
black sun cut in half
by sharp plains
--
leaves falling
a children’s park buried
in dead reminders
--
floral skirt
wind runs through her curls
picking up petals
--
a match sparks
eyes appear from darkness
seeing only eyes for me this line fails to show or tell me anything. it also begs the question " wouldn't the match also be seen"?
Yea I kind of snuck in more than one. My bad. But they're short so it shouldn't hurt too bad.
you can post as many as you want ajc but only in their own threads. :J:
if anyone likes the short ones they'll enjoy reading what you write in general
ajcohen613
I am overwhelmed by the immensity of verbiage, suffocated by leaves, eyes, and crows, while wearing my floral skirt above my head, to avoid sharp plains, and sparks.
If these are separate, then they need to be posted separately, or if a single poem, in a different place. Personally speaking, I think it diminishes each poem to post them this way.
I like number two the best!
dale