Poetry Forum

If the sun was right
we could light off caps
with my little brother's glasses.

i like it as a short poem, it has that feel of belonging with someone.

Paul

When you say caps, do you mean firecrackers or toy gun caps?

Dale

Hey Dale. Toy gun caps. I googled it and they're formally called "percussion caps". - threatened to lead me down a whole other road,

(07-22-2014, 09:43 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]If the sun was right
we could light off caps
with my little brother's glasses.

This brought back some memories, we use to throw bricks onto the strips.
I cannot remember using a magnifying glass on them though,( here you use your brother' glasses) although we did have them to burn things....good one. JG

Thanks John. My intent here was an attempt at ambiguity between past and present tenses. The word "could" is still a problem, I think.
Paul

(07-23-2014, 06:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks John. My intent here was an attempt at ambiguity between past and present tenses. The word "could" is still a problem, I think.
Paul

Maybe use the word "might" instead of "could" if it's bothering you. Just a thought. Just a thought.

(07-23-2014, 06:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks John. My intent here was an attempt at ambiguity between past and present tenses. The word "could" is still a problem, I think.
Paul

You may have to explain your intent to me a little more, does it have a point for the reader? is it something the reader can experience.?

My reading gave me a feeling of wistfulness for instance, and the "ambiguity" between past and present tense never entered my mind.

Hope that makes sense....JG

(07-23-2014, 07:01 AM)John Galt Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-23-2014, 06:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks John. My intent here was an attempt at ambiguity between past and present tenses. The word "could" is still a problem, I think.
Paul

You may have to explain your intent to me a little more, does it have a point for the reader? is it something the reader can experience.?

My reading gave me a feeling of wistfulness for instance, and the "ambiguity" between past and present tense never entered my mind.

Hope that makes sense....JG

No, you are correct. That intent does not really do much for the reader. If I were to ditch that indulgence it would likely read....

When the sun was right
we would light off caps
with my little brother's glasses.

I like the short poem it passes on to the reader an image of a memory, caps being childlike, little brother in glasses on summer days. My only nit would be I have never heard the phrase 'light off' for me it has always been 'let off' or 'set off' caps. Best Kieth

(07-23-2014, 07:16 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-23-2014, 07:01 AM)John Galt Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-23-2014, 06:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks John. My intent here was an attempt at ambiguity between past and present tenses. The word "could" is still a problem, I think.
Paul

You may have to explain your intent to me a little more, does it have a point for the reader? is it something the reader can experience.?

My reading gave me a feeling of wistfulness for instance, and the "ambiguity" between past and present tense never entered my mind.

Hope that makes sense....JG

No, you are correct. That intent does not really do much for the reader. If I were to ditch that indulgence it would likely read....

When the sun was right
we would light off caps
with my little brother's glasses.

Tiger, I see your intent now, it was the word "ambiguity" that threw me. I really like the tense and wording of your first post. And there is a payoff for the reader. JG

Tiger, for some reason the reply section of my blackbird poem will not let me thank you for the read and post you have left there without tacking it onto the post that I left for "mark," so I will do it here, Thanks..JG

I do like the ambiguity of tense. In my reading of the poem the use of "could" in no way undermines that ambiguity.