Poetry Forum

(12-31-2013, 07:30 AM)tigrflye Wrote: [ -> ]He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

This seems fine to me; just a semi-colon needed to end L1.
L2 could perhaps end on a better verb than "see", which seems to be performing a function a little closer to something like "watch".
Some may see "along the way", and "share the road with me" as cliche, but I think it works; for me, the couplet redeems, reconciles, and refreshes it. You have an anapest in L11, but I think it may be intentional, and it works for me as well, actually I think it's /perfect/: the anapest "dilutes" the line--content matching form.

The break on "he lost" in L6 is clever, I like it. The breaks on 8 and ten contain good images, but the pauses there are not as strong and some of the rhyme is lost--it may be a worthy compromise though: you get some good tension on 8, and the image in ten is interesting, original, and well, sexy.

Overall I think the interplay between sexual/emotional tension and the two characters is handled quite well both the aurally and visually, and it is really a pleasure to read.

P.s. You need some punctuation after "memory" in L11. I'd suggest maybe loosing the hyphen in L10 and using a dash. Also, perhaps a dash, semi-colon or colon might be a good idea at the end on L13, to connect the two lines.






The original thread can be found here

(07-13-2014, 10:08 AM)Leanne Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-31-2013, 07:30 AM)tigrflye Wrote: [ -> ]He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

This seems fine to me; just a semi-colon needed to end L1.
L2 could perhaps end on a better verb than "see", which seems to be performing a function a little closer to something like "watch".
Some may see "along the way", and "share the road with me" as cliche, but I think it works; for me, the couplet redeems, reconciles, and refreshes it. You have an anapest in L11, but I think it may be intentional, and it works for me as well, actually I think it's /perfect/: the anapest "dilutes" the line--content matching form.

The break on "he lost" in L6 is clever, I like it. The breaks on 8 and ten contain good images, but the pauses there are not as strong and some of the rhyme is lost--it may be a worthy compromise though: you get some good tension on 8, and the image in ten is interesting, original, and well, sexy.

Overall I think the interplay between sexual/emotional tension and the two characters is handled quite well both the aurally and visually, and it is really a pleasure to read.

P.s. You need some punctuation after "memory" in L11. I'd suggest maybe loosing the hyphen in L10 and using a dash. Also, perhaps a dash, semi-colon or colon might be a good idea at the end on L13, to connect the two lines.






The original thread can be found here

Yes, good choice,Leanne. Not least because it takes the words out of my mouth. I had to check my IP address to make sure it wasn't me wot sed it.
Well done true.
tectak

good choice, it's succinct and to the point, it is honest without being hurtful, the best part is that it really does help the poet evaluate the poem sensibly, nice one true.

You all are very kind.

Thank you.