I’ve heard a corpse-less song tonight
A soothing sibilant
That hisses hosts of specious tunes
In winding assonance
A natal shadow’s whisper births
Away a formless stiff
Instilling life with breathless shocks
Presenting me with glyphs
A godly slate for babbling names
From restless dins inside
A laughing gift from clouds above
To tell me I’m confined.
The fatherstuff was but a sham
To mock my potent mold
That coyly takes deluded hopes
In spoken words untold
I cast Mesmeric waves adrift
Creating pasts anew
As jibes forgotten long ago
Remembered now askew.
A player in my riven mind
Recites the clips gone past
And builds them all anew to sell
A pilfered word recast
What cause is there for risen ghosts?
That dance a holy mask
Of posted Lutheran whims obscured
To harden me at last.
(05-11-2014, 06:53 AM)Brownlie Wrote: [ -> ]I’ve heard a corpse-less song tonight
A soothing sibilant
That hisses hosts of specious tunes
In winding assonance
A natal shadow’s whisper births
Away a formless stiff
Instilling life with breathless shocks
Presenting me with glyphs
A godly slate for babbling names
From restless dins inside
A laughing gift from clouds above
To tell me I’m confined.
The fatherstuff was but a sham
To mock my potent mold
That coyly takes deluded hopes
In spoken words untold
I cast Mesmeric waves adrift
Creating pasts anew
As jibes forgotten long ago
Remembered now askew.
A player in my riven mind
Recites the clips gone past
And builds them all anew to sell
A pilfered word recast
What cause is there for risen ghosts?
That dance a holy mask
Of posted Lutheran whims obscured
To harden me at last.
A top write
Brownlie and the first two stanzas sound extra good when read out loud. well done. I enjoyed it very much, cheers.
The form side seems fine(nice ballad meter), what it is referring to, I've no idea, so I can't tell if the rhymes are forced or not. "That dance a holy mask" seems an odd phrase, and I can't help but wonder if it's there to rhyme with last?
Regardless, I do really like your first rhyme, or maybe I should say off rhyme (sibilant - assonance). Now if I only knew what this was about, it seems to traverse the time from ancient Egypt to at least the reformation. I'm assuming that delusion refers to religion.
Dale
(05-11-2014, 10:49 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]The form side seems fine(nice ballad meter), what it is referring to, I've no idea, so I can't tell if the rhymes are forced or not. "That dance a holy mask" seems an odd phrase, and I can't help but wonder if it's there to rhyme with last?
Regardless, I do really like your first rhyme, or maybe I should say off rhyme (sibilant - assonance). Now if I only knew what this was about, it seems to traverse the time from ancient Egypt to at least the reformation. I'm assuming that delusion refers to religion.
Dale
Well, I've put many allusions in the poem. Mask is sort of a pun on the word mask and masque. The mask aspect refers to Luther's idea that certain things act as a Mask for God. The hardened refers to Pharaoh's hardened heart. The fatherstuff refers to Walt Whitman. The speciousness can be loosely related to Milton's depiction of the serpent in the Garden of Eden. Whim refers to this quote by Emerson, "I shun father and mother and wife and brother when my genius calls me. I would write on the lintels of the door-post, Whim. I hope that it is somewhat better than whim at last, but we cannot spend the day in explanation." Critics have connected the word whim to Emerson's dead son which would relate to the plagues of Egypt. The laughing God's refer to Milton's controversial depiction of god who laughs at the tower of babble with his angels. Naming refers to the adamic task of naming. The godless slate would refer to a concept of the material aspect of God. On some level, the poem attempts to convey something about the actual experience of being isolated, hearing voices, and experiencing delusions. The mesmerism also relates to a willful conveyance of energy expressed in Whitman. There is also a stanza that refers to memorial reconstruction. Thanks for Reading. Hope I haven't overstepped my bounds here.
I'm not sure you can call a lot of those allusions as they are so cryptic. I think I am familiar with all of the references except for "whim" being attributable to Emerson's dead son, and "the godless slate" (if you are spelling that correctly and it is a little "g" I'm not sure how that relates to big "G" God). I think it's an incredible stretch to say a single word "whim" relates to anything, despite your explanation. I say this only to point out that I think it is a bit much to ask your readers to be able to make such connections. I'm all for allusions, but I just don't see the point of being so obscure that the reader will not recognize them. At the least, I would footnote the connections. I have in the past made a number of references to Blake's poems, especially "Milton" and "The Four Zoas", but I always footnote them as I generally wouldn't expect most to make the connection, except maybe Erdman, or Bloom, who were the Editor, and Commentator of one of my favorite Blake text. If I were to allude to the "container of Tharmas", I doubt most would make a connection with it. Yep, I just did a search on that and I found as many beneficial answers as I did when I searched "the godless slate", which is to say, none. I think you can get away with an obscure reference here and there, but the entire poem can't be based on them, not if a writer expects his readers to understand what he is writing.
That's my two-cents,
Dale
(05-11-2014, 12:18 PM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]I'm not sure you can call a lot of those allusions as they are so cryptic. I think I am familiar with all of the references except for "whim" being attributable to Emerson's dead son, and "the godless slate" (if you are spelling that correctly and it is a little "g" I'm not sure how that relates to big "G" God). I think it's an incredible stretch to say a single word "whim" relates to anything, despite your explanation. I say this only to point out that I think it is a bit much to ask your readers to be able to make such connections. I'm all for allusions, but I just don't see the point of being so obscure that the reader will not recognize them. At the least, I would footnote the connections. I have in the past made a number of references to Blake's poems, especially "Milton" and "The Four Zoas", but I always footnote them as I generally wouldn't expect most to make the connection, except maybe Erdman, or Bloom, who were the Editor, and Commentator of one of my favorite Blake text. If I were to allude to the "container of Tharmas", I doubt most would make a connection with it. Yep, I just did a search on that and I found as many beneficial answers as I did when I searched "the godless slate", which is to say, none. I think you can get away with an obscure reference here and there, but the entire poem can't be based on them, not if a writer expects his readers to understand what he is writing.
That's my two-cents,
Dale
I agree with you, thanks for the advice.
Hi Brownlie.
Structurally, the form works well. The meter holds the way through. Perhaps consider finding a replacement for "anew" in your second-last stanza to avoid repeating it with the one before. Not a huge deal, though something you might like to think about stylistically. Also, while the punctuation in the last stanza works fine, it isn't consistent with the the rest of the piece - I'd suggest go one way or another with that.
I won't attempt to comment on your allusions Brownlie - you're quite the worldly person, and I'm not familiar with many of those you've outlined. Suffice to say it was an enjoyable read regardless for me.
Thanks for the opportunity, a privilege to work on one of your constructions. Hope I've helped in some small way
SM
(05-11-2014, 02:41 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Brownlie.
Structurally, the form works well. The meter holds the way through. Perhaps consider finding a replacement for "anew" in your second-last stanza to avoid repeating it with the one before. Not a huge deal, though something you might like to think about stylistically. Also, while the punctuation in the last stanza works fine, it isn't consistent with the the rest of the piece - I'd suggest go one way or another with that.
I won't attempt to comment on your allusions Brownlie - you're quite the worldly person, and I'm not familiar with many of those you've outlined. Suffice to say it was an enjoyable read regardless for me.
Thanks for the opportunity, a privilege to work on one of your constructions. Hope I've helped in some small way
SM
Thanks for reading, you made some good suggestions.