V2, 11/5/14
The roadblock weeps
as I roll in my foldable throne,
sticky and red, lying in the aisle
between me and the milk.
I retreat, but not before we click -
not before I give the secret handshake
of a nod that comes with being kids
among adults -
not before we understand
finitude of expression
is akin to growing up.
He looks to his mother
with an untranslatability
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate,"
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but I really want Nutella.”
V1
I lock eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley locks its wheels.
He's sticky and salty, loud and red and
weeping on the floor between me and the milk.
So I retreat, but not before
we click - not before
I give that secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being kids among adults -
not before I realise that he's the one bound
by the finitude of language.
He turns back to his mother
and gives her another inadequate look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate,"
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but I really want Nutella.”
Well, we'd all love to live up to some unrealistic standard but that's not always the case.
I like the pun in the title.
(05-04-2014, 04:30 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]I locked eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley insisted we keep turning left.
He was sticky and salty, red and loud and
leaking between me and the deli. --hmm... I miss things sometimes not sure though.
So I reversed, but not before
I understood him, not before
I gave the secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being children in an adult world,
not before I realised that he was the one truly bound
by the finitude of language. -- Well you see it's all a matter of contorting the forces of the monistic universe towards a masculine glory.
He looked back to his mother
and gave her another insufficient look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household”, -- Aha! the comma goes inside the quote, also I think you need a comma after called.
called “You Machiavel, you Ice-Queen,
you embarrassment of a relation,” -- Tupac says mac-a-vel-I, repeatedly! Maybe use a synonym for called unless you want the repetition.
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty, - I see you've added some culture here!
but so is Nutella.”
I'm not sure how to critique this one.
Machiavel-->Machiavelli
_________________________________
To me this line makes no sense
"not before I realised that he was the one truly bound
by the finitude of language."
Why is he the "one truly bound"?
How is that different from everyone else? Language is not infinite...so?
__________________________________________________________________________
inadequate look is called:“I hate the hypocrisy exhibited in our household”
inadequate look is called:“You Machiavel, you Ice-Queen, you embarrassment of a relation,”
inadequate look is called:“Sure, yoghurt’s tasty, but so is Nutella.”
By the structure of your sentence you are equating the above three statements, but I see no connection between them. Can you tell me how they equate with each other?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
To many questions regarding meaning for me to even try to critique.
Best,
Dale
(05-04-2014, 04:30 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]I lock eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley locks its wheels.
He's sticky and salty, loud and red and
weeping on the floor between me and the cornflakes.
So I retreat, but not before
we click - not before
I give that secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being kids together in an adult world -
not before I realise that he's the one bound
by the finitude of language.
He looks back to his mother
and gives her another inadequate look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate,"
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but so is this Nutella.”
A total newbie reply; like it; but feel disconnected by the change and length of some lines.
Thanks for your time everyone. Whhat I've wanted to convey hasn't quite come across, although this one was supposed to be pretty straight-forward! I think I'll take this down when I get back from school today and give it a bit of a now-evidently-needed reworking. Once again, I really appreciate your interest
(05-04-2014, 04:30 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]I lock eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley locks its wheels.
He's sticky and salty, loud and red and
weeping on the floor between me and the milk.
So I retreat, but not before
we click - not before
I give that secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being kids together in an adult world -
not before I realise that he's the one bound
by the finitude of language.
He looks back to his mother
and gives her another inadequate look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate,"
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but I really want this Nutella.”
Hi,
I like the "milk" instead of "cornflakes.
But I much preferred your original closing line to the new one.
Was it,
"Sure yoghurt's tasty, but so is this Nutella."?
In all I find the piece funny and political, plus the point of view is unique (a child's).
A nice read.
TS
(05-05-2014, 02:30 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: [ -> ]A total newbie reply; like it; but feel disconnected by the change and length of some lines.
yes it is a total newb reply...we need more from total newbs, just discuss your likes and dislikes, it's called talking, though in this case you'd be transcribing the talk into text. /Mod.
i like it because it's a fairly fun piece, i like it because it feels like it has a purpose or point. there's some imagery in the 2nd couplet that works pretty well.
it needs an edit but it will be all the better for it.
thanks for the read.
(05-04-2014, 04:30 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]I lock eyes with the roadblock
as my trolley locks its wheels. i'd suggest changing one of the locks, probably the 1st one.
He's sticky and salty, loud and red and
weeping on the floor between me and the milk. i like this couple a lot. it pulls me into the title and i know there's some humour to come.
So I retreat, but not before no need for [so] i think the line could be better if you end it with but or bring up [we click]
we click - not before
I give that secret handshake of a nod
that comes with being kids together in an adult world - could this be more concise?
not before I realise that he's the one bound
by the finitude of language. this feels out of step with the thoughts of a young person, if numbers are a part of language then language is infinite not finite. (to stretch a point)
He looks back to his mother
and gives her another inadequate look try not to repeat words unless it's a refrain or to reinforce an image or idea. lose a look
called “I hate the hypocrisy
exhibited in our household,"
called "I'm filing for emancipation
soon as I'm literate," i got a kick from this line, the fact the poem has even been written.....
called “Sure, yoghurt’s tasty,
but I really want this Nutella.” no need for [this]
Hi TS, thanks for reading. Agreed, "milk" rolls of the tongue better (literally
), but I find that the newer ending has a greater sense of closure. I'm yet to set this in stone, as I keep going over the poem, saying both at the end! Once again, thanks for taking the time
Billy, really appreciate your input. Picked up on some things I hadn't even noticed! (that double "look" was atrocious...) Fixed S3 L4 and S7 L2, but I'll definitely take some time to ruminate over those first, third and fourth "stanzas", if you will.
Once again, thanks so much for reading. Really glad you enjoyed it
Thanks a bunch for the feedback everyone, good to know it works to an extent. I think this is a poem I'd like to polish to the nth degree, though I'm not sure what it's true potential really is. If there's something to be said critically in that regard, I'd be most thankful for it