Poetry Forum

Something ineffable in youth
```Draws my thoughts and evokes
A quiet longing in my soul;
```Not that I miss mine, no —

It was not ever as it ought
```Have been (by all accounts),
Hard as I tried to be care-free
```Amidst my grief and loss.

Some ineffable perfection
```In the curves of girls' thighs,
In the head-long rush of boys to their
```Predestined reckonings,

Bespeaks powers no longer mine —
```Not ever mine, perhaps,
Nor theirs now, though it appears so
```To hungry mortal eyes

Like mine, mesmerized by the sight
```Of youth's trail vanishing.
Yet if youth could be mine today,
```It would be in my way.

I would not trade my life and times
```For any that have passed;
But in my poems, I am young,
```And I will last.

=================================

I considered this poem to be finished until I realized that the second line of the last stanza didn't have the right meaning. It seems to me that the lives I am envying are not the ones that have passed, but the ones still to be lived. So I re-wrote that stanza like this:

I would not trade my life and times
```For any still to come;
But in my poems, I will last,
```And I am young.

Which is better?

Don't worry, not all my poems are about youth and age. I tend to choose tiresome topics.

(05-03-2014, 03:49 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: [ -> ]Something ineffable in youth
```Draws my thoughts and evokes
A quiet longing in my soul;
```Not that I miss mine, no — Some nice slant rhyming here. Not too crazy about "draws my thoughts" though. You open with a nice little jab, so I'd like to see a stronger follow-up punch to really hook the reader

It was not ever as it ought
```Have been (by all accounts),
Hard as I tried to be care-free
```Amidst my grief and loss. We don't know you as a person Caleb, so we can't relate to these broad terms of grief and loss. I suggest showing us what happened, even in an allegorical way, instead of telling.

Some ineffable perfection
```In the curves of girls' thighs,
In the head-long rush of boys to their
```Predestined reckonings, Made me smile

Bespeaks powers no longer mine — Bespeaks really sticks out, I'd consider finding a different verb
```Not ever mine, perhaps,
Nor theirs now, though it appears so
```To hungry mortal eyes

Like mine, mesmerized by the sight
```Of youth's trail vanishing. I don't think there's a need to invert this phrase. "Youth's vanishing trail" reads better.
Yet if youth could be mine today,
```It would be in my way. I would have loved to see ineffable return to open this stanza. If you've used it twice, I think it's begging for a third to really shore-up that repetition.

I would not trade my life and times
```For any that have passed;
But in my poems, I am young,
```And I will last.

=================================

I considered this poem to be finished until I realized that the second line of the last stanza didn't have the right meaning. It seems to me that the lives I am envying are not the ones that have passed, but the ones still to be lived. So I re-wrote that stanza like this:

I would not trade my life and times
```For any still to come;
But in my poems, I will last,
```And I am young. If that's the sentiment you're going for, then definitely this one here. Maybe change "And" to "For", just feel it gives more closure - but that final true rhyme is nice touch too.

Which is better?

Don't worry, not all my poems are about youth and age. I tend to choose tiresome topics.

This definitely has potential CM. Hope my advice helps in some small way to get it where you want it to be

(05-03-2014, 06:50 PM)SilverMire Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-03-2014, 03:49 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: [ -> ]Something ineffable in youth
```Draws my thoughts and evokes
A quiet longing in my soul;
```Not that I miss mine, no — Some nice slant rhyming here. Not too crazy about "draws my thoughts" though. You open with a nice little jab, so I'd like to see a stronger follow-up punch to really hook the reader (I'll consider some alternatives. I'm trying to set a languid tone here.)

It was not ever as it ought
```Have been (by all accounts),
Hard as I tried to be care-free
```Amidst my grief and loss. We don't know you as a person Caleb, so we can't relate to these broad terms of grief and loss. I suggest showing us what happened, even in an allegorical way, instead of telling. In this case, I'm not sure there's a need to explain it. (This is my way of telling the reader that I wasn't a happy young person. I'm not sure I need to expound on it.)

Some ineffable perfection
```In the curves of girls' thighs,
In the head-long rush of boys to their
```Predestined reckonings, Made me smile

Bespeaks powers no longer mine — Bespeaks really sticks out, I'd consider finding a different verb (I'll look at some alternatives.)
```Not ever mine, perhaps,
Nor theirs now, though it appears so
```To hungry mortal eyes

Like mine, mesmerized by the sight
```Of youth's trail vanishing. I don't think there's a need to invert this phrase. "Youth's vanishing trail" reads better. (Firstly, I love inversions. More than that, however, I am mesmerized by the vanishing of the trail, not by the trail itself, so I think this needs to stand. This is actually my favorite line in the whole poem, so I'm not likely to tamper with it.)
Yet if youth could be mine today,
```It would be in my way. I would have loved to see ineffable return to open this stanza. If you've used it twice, I think it's begging for a third to really shore-up that repetition. (This stanza is so tightly written, continuing from the previous stanza as it does, that I don't see any way to fit "ineffable" in again.)

I would not trade my life and times
```For any that have passed;
But in my poems, I am young,
```And I will last.

=================================

I considered this poem to be finished until I realized that the second line of the last stanza didn't have the right meaning. It seems to me that the lives I am envying are not the ones that have passed, but the ones still to be lived. So I re-wrote that stanza like this:

I would not trade my life and times
```For any still to come;
But in my poems, I will last,
```And I am young. If that's the sentiment you're going for, then definitely this one here. Maybe change "And" to "For", just feel it gives more closure - but that final true rhyme is nice touch too. (If you feel that the stanza above makes sense, I actually prefer that one; I'm just not sure it does.

Which is better?

Don't worry, not all my poems are about youth and age. I tend to choose tiresome topics.

This definitely has potential CM. Hope my advice helps in some small way to get it where you want it to be

I am very grateful for your comments! However, I hope it has more than just potential because I consider it to be pretty much finished except for the final stanza.