04-01-2014, 12:42 AM
The Ballard of El Sid.
In the days of yore
When the rich ruled the poor
And a barrel of beer cost a quid
When knights were bold
There was one, so I’m told
Who went by the name of El Sid
~
Now old Sid I fear
Was deaf in one ear
Bow-legged and badly short sighted
Though he could do with a shave
He was noble and brave
That was clear on the day he was knighted
~
King Arthur’s daughter Turpytine
A virgin still at thirty nine
So desperate for a sexy swain
She ditched the lonely waiting game
Behind a pretty mask and wimple
She hid her spots, and purple pimples
~
Just before the midnight hour
Beneath a rosy scented bower
Sid’s fate was sealed with a gooey kiss
As they groped and hugged in feely bliss
The night was dark, he couldn’t see
He pledged his troth on bended knee
~
Next night at the ball in the baronial hall
After the dance they started to call
For a new young a minstrel called Elvis
With ‘come to bed eyes’ and a gyrating pelvis
The audience shouted, hurrahs, and hoorays
Cos his the size of codpiece was worthy of praise
~
He plucked at his lute
Played with his flute
Waggled his hips and his knees
This dude really rocked
The maidens were shocked,
And begged for their chastity belt keys
~
With her bosom heaving and threatening to bust
Turpy drooled with passion and lust
Then collapsed on the floor in a fit of the vapours
Stunned at the sight of these erotic capers
This drove poor Sid to the depths of despair
To see his true love a’lying there
~
“You posturing knave
with my sword I’ll engrave
That fair maidens name on your rear”
“You’ve got it all wrong
I just sing the songs”
Squealed Elvis, quite shaking with fear
~
Then up jumped the king
In order to bring
Some decorum to the proceedings
“Tomorrow at dawn in the lists on the lawn
You will joust for this daughter of mine
With sword and lance fight for the chance
For the hand of my darling Turpytine
~
Now Turpy was naive and exceedingly simple
She discarded her mask and her covering wimple
And waving to the congregation
Settled down in expectation
Sid blinked and gulped “I’m not wedding that,
Its’ warty, pimply, worn out and fat”
Elvis enthusiastically shared Sid’s opinion
Marriage to Turpy cast his mind to oblivion
~
As a fight it was poor and lacking in style
The blows and the thrusts all missed by a mile
Sid threw down his helmet, his sword and his shield
Cunningly gasping “I’m knackered, I yield
“You scum, you rascal, you scoundrel, you knave”
Said Arthur “Come, come, that’s no way to behave
Here is the prize you have so nobly won
The hand of my daughter, can I call you son?
~
Turpy lifted her skirts and ran to the alter
Elvis was dragged there ensnared by a halter
And so dear friends to the honeymoon suite
The bride so excited you could hear her heart beat
She stood there demure, scratching her belly
Elvis in terror, his legs turned to jelly
“Oh darling, my loved one I’ve waited so long
But before you take me
Sing us a song”
In the days of yore
When the rich ruled the poor
And a barrel of beer cost a quid
When knights were bold
There was one, so I’m told
Who went by the name of El Sid
~
Now old Sid I fear
Was deaf in one ear
Bow-legged and badly short sighted
Though he could do with a shave
He was noble and brave
That was clear on the day he was knighted
~
King Arthur’s daughter Turpytine
A virgin still at thirty nine
So desperate for a sexy swain
She ditched the lonely waiting game
Behind a pretty mask and wimple
She hid her spots, and purple pimples
~
Just before the midnight hour
Beneath a rosy scented bower
Sid’s fate was sealed with a gooey kiss
As they groped and hugged in feely bliss
The night was dark, he couldn’t see
He pledged his troth on bended knee
~
Next night at the ball in the baronial hall
After the dance they started to call
For a new young a minstrel called Elvis
With ‘come to bed eyes’ and a gyrating pelvis
The audience shouted, hurrahs, and hoorays
Cos his the size of codpiece was worthy of praise
~
He plucked at his lute
Played with his flute
Waggled his hips and his knees
This dude really rocked
The maidens were shocked,
And begged for their chastity belt keys
~
With her bosom heaving and threatening to bust
Turpy drooled with passion and lust
Then collapsed on the floor in a fit of the vapours
Stunned at the sight of these erotic capers
This drove poor Sid to the depths of despair
To see his true love a’lying there
~
“You posturing knave
with my sword I’ll engrave
That fair maidens name on your rear”
“You’ve got it all wrong
I just sing the songs”
Squealed Elvis, quite shaking with fear
~
Then up jumped the king
In order to bring
Some decorum to the proceedings
“Tomorrow at dawn in the lists on the lawn
You will joust for this daughter of mine
With sword and lance fight for the chance
For the hand of my darling Turpytine
~
Now Turpy was naive and exceedingly simple
She discarded her mask and her covering wimple
And waving to the congregation
Settled down in expectation
Sid blinked and gulped “I’m not wedding that,
Its’ warty, pimply, worn out and fat”
Elvis enthusiastically shared Sid’s opinion
Marriage to Turpy cast his mind to oblivion
~
As a fight it was poor and lacking in style
The blows and the thrusts all missed by a mile
Sid threw down his helmet, his sword and his shield
Cunningly gasping “I’m knackered, I yield
“You scum, you rascal, you scoundrel, you knave”
Said Arthur “Come, come, that’s no way to behave
Here is the prize you have so nobly won
The hand of my daughter, can I call you son?
~
Turpy lifted her skirts and ran to the alter
Elvis was dragged there ensnared by a halter
And so dear friends to the honeymoon suite
The bride so excited you could hear her heart beat
She stood there demure, scratching her belly
Elvis in terror, his legs turned to jelly
“Oh darling, my loved one I’ve waited so long
But before you take me
Sing us a song”
