V. 1
Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself
a father, taking a daughter to bed
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
V. 2 (a nod to Chris)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the overstretched car,
I thought myself a father again,
taking a daughter to bed over his shoulder,
turning off the light and shutting her cedar door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.
V. 3 (props to Angel, ella, pinsir, and milo)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells,
I thought myself a father
again, taking a daughter up
to bed over his shoulder, turning
off the light and shutting her pine door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to peeling bells
to the car, I thought myself
a father, taking a daughter to bed
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
ahem . . . pealing?
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself
a father, taking a daughter to bed
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
It's a potent concrete poem Geoff; I dig the church stairs. I don't think you need 'to the car', as the bell chiming alone may be better. I would delete the 'and' in the last line as well. I realize that these words help build the stairs, so you may need to fill in with something else.
I am not certain if this is actually the deceased's father or not. If he is, wouldn't something like: 'I felt myself a father again...' be more poignant (perhaps even if it isn't his daughter).
I hope there are some thoughts for you next edit herein. Cheers/Chris
Updated again. Appreciate the feedback, christopher
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]V. 1
Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself
a father, taking a daughter to bed
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
I think that carrying some one to pealing bells doesn't work. The reason is that carrying implies motion and the double meaning of to introduces a clumsy ambiguity instead of an elegant one.
When they got to the car I thought "what happened, I though they were going to the pealing bells?"
Also, the double "to's"
The "waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table" bit confuses me. The imagery is great, but what is going on? The girl is dead, right? Is this supposed to mean he'll meet her in Heaven or something?
Had to google "pealing bell" lol. Well done.
I like how you start with an image of walking down stairs...and the poem is kind of shaped like steps. Is this by design? If so...not bad!
Hi, geoff,
I like the way the poem walks down, it reminds me of the viet vet memorial in DC, which has the effect of walking down into the grave (and back out again).
A few notes are below.
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]V. 1
Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself
a father, taking a daughter to bed
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
V. 2 (a nod to Chris)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the overstretched car, I think this line is assumed with the title, we know where the two of you are going.
I thought myself a father again, I like this expression of wanting to care for and protect the deceased.
taking a daughter to bed over his shoulder,
turning off the light and shutting her cedar door, Cedar strikes me as more long lasting than she needs, pine?
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table. A hint of heaven, but for me it is just the wish that tomorrow had the same faces around the table as yesterday.
Thanks for posting it, a good read.
Pine door would be so much more fantastic, would it not? Coffins are often referred to as pine boxes and there is pining.
Ellajam got that one.
milo
-the car has been removed, as with the extra preposition. appreciate your time
pinsir
-appreciate the kind words. I like your interpretations; I was focusing more on the moment and trying to recapture a feeling, but don't disagree.
ella
-that's an interesting comparison. it has been some time since I've been to DC, but it's a sensation I'm glad I was able to conjure up a bit for you. thank you for the suggestions
angel
-I have to give credit where it is due; pine is better. Just couldn't get my finger on it at the time, but glad to have help and that you agreed with ella. thanks for reading
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]V. 3 (props to Angel, ella, pinsir, and milo)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells,
I thought myself a father
again, taking a daughter up
to bed over his shoulder, turning
off the light and shutting her pine door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.
I am back and forth on "long", is it really worth adding it for the double modification (I think i see the significance though i could be wrong).
One of my biggest complaints (and I have many) with "shape" poems is that they usually cause terrible line breaks. For the most part you have evaded that here with the possible exception of "up". This made me question the value of "up" at all (it doesn't really add much) which makes me think that "carrying" would have been a better word than "taking" (carrying a daughter to bed seems to imply up fine) but then, of course, you have already used carrying at the beginning of the poem which makes me look at that and i wonder if you considered something else for that first word.
Anyway, I am just letting my OCD get carried away here and I probably shouldn't drag others down my path of mania. For the most part I think this reads pretty good.
(not that i think it would be better but i would almost like to see "closing" instead of 'shutting" for a bit just to compare the 2.)
Hey milo,
you are voicing good concerns. we have similar issues with shape poems. that being said, where structure can reiterate an idea, I try to accommodate as best I can. I tried to maintain reasonable line breaks with this, realizing that there is a balance needed to not hurt the integrity of the piece. overall, I was pretty happy with the result
personally, I like "up" for the direction that it gives, helpful when you have stairs and also for those talks about death and afterlife, though that is my own argument for keeping it.
definitely will consider your suggestions on "shutting" and "long". I'm leaning towards keeping them as is for now (shutting has a bit more familiarity and emotion for me than an official "closing")
as always, appreciate your time and thoughts
sorry i got here late, everything has been said already. the conrete of the poem works but i wish there would have been a bell tower and alter as well as the steps
.
good editing.
(02-25-2014, 10:59 AM)geoff Wrote: [ -> ]V. 1
Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself this is my only nit. i just can't make the enjambement work well enough i always have to stop on order to work it out, a suggestion would be [and the car]
a father, taking a daughter to bed this line has a finality about it in the context of the poem that works really well.
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.
V. 2 (a nod to Chris)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the overstretched car,
I thought myself a father again,
taking a daughter to bed over his shoulder,
turning off the light and shutting her cedar door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.
V. 3 (props to Angel, ella, pinsir, and milo)
Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells,
I thought myself a father
again, taking a daughter up
to bed over his shoulder, turning
off the light and shutting her pine door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.