If only I could show her how
I feel now; years allowed for twists and turns
with innocent mistakes
and lessons learned.
She wiped sweet sweat off of my brow,
and caught my falls, with maternal vow.
Her hands once soft with love and care
now crack and split: my heart despairs!
The blood that trickles from those hands
should not leave them red, for life demands:
no wrongs committed, only love,
and I hold them now with God above.
If only I could show her how Line break seems awkwardly placed
I feel now; years allowed for twists and turns
with innocent mistakes not sure if you need the 'with'
and lessons learned. again I feel the 'and' could be dropped
She wiped sweet sweat off of my brow, 'off my brow'?
and caught my falls, with maternal vow.
Her hands once soft with love and care
now crack and split: my heart despairs! hearts despair could also work
The blood that trickles from those hands
should not leave them red, for life demands:
no wrongs committed, only love, no need for a comma when 'and' follows
and I hold them now with God above. [b]
Hello Humbert,
(02-24-2014, 03:50 PM)Humbert Wrote: [ -> ]If only I could show her how
I feel now; years allowed for twists and turns
with innocent mistakes
and lessons learned.
She wiped sweet sweat off of my brow,
and caught my falls, with maternal vow.
Her hands once soft with love and care
now crack and split: my heart despairs!
The blood that trickles from those hands
should not leave them red, for life demands:
no wrongs committed, only love,
and I hold them now with God above.
When taking the title into consideration, this really feels like two poems in a way for me: the first six lines and the last six lines. Really, it is the last six lines that make this poem feel a bit more unique to me; wiping off sweat and passing years are not really new concepts. It is in the last six lines that a specific moment starts to get captured. Perhaps elaborating on line 7, explaining the circumstances that get breezed over, could help develop a connection to this woman. Otherwise, I am going to have a hard feeling for her as much as the speaker. I see a lot of potential here
-geoff
(02-24-2014, 03:50 PM)Humbert Wrote: [ -> ]If only I could show her how
I feel now; years allowed for twists and turns
with innocent mistakes
and lessons learned.
She wiped sweet sweat off of my brow,
and caught my falls, with maternal vow.
Her hands once soft with love and care
now crack and split: my heart despairs! I imagine someone reading this with their hands clenched, knuckled whitened, screaming at the sky. Seems very Hamlet to me
The blood that trickles from those hands
should not leave them red, for life demands:
no wrongs committed, only love,
and I hold them now with God above.
Humbert Humbert.
Your rhymes are ambitious but I feel the content is a little aphorismic. You've mentioned red, blood, cracks and splits, love, God and innocence all in one poem. Take it easy, champ. One cliche at a time.
Best,
SunJeep
the end rhymes need a fair bit of work specially the 1st verse which is different than the rest of the rhyme scheme. some also feel forced as in the last line; i knew god above was going to be used after i read the beginning of the line.
look out for cliche
thanks for the read.
(02-24-2014, 03:50 PM)Humbert Wrote: [ -> ]If only I could show her how
I feel now; years allowed for twists and turns
with innocent mistakes
and lessons learned. [cliche]
She wiped sweet sweat off of my brow,
and caught my falls, with maternal vow. what does maternal vows mean here, i do understand but it doesn't work well enough as is, use an image, how does one catch falls? do you mean she caught you when you fell? make it more original
Her hands once soft with love and care
now crack and split: my heart despairs! my heart despairs feels forced,
The blood that trickles from those hands
should not leave them red, for life demands:
no wrongs committed, only love,
and I hold them now with God above. while the verse it feels poetic, it's too (i'm not sure what word to use) pretentious, why does life demand? why would blood leave the hands red? give the reader some images to see.