the unborn witness of birth and death.
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so.
(02-18-2014, 01:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: [ -> ]the unborn witness of birth and death.
I really like this opening
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
I'm not sure I fully understand what you're aiming for here
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so. Decent ending for the point you're trying to get across. The narrator is God? Or some godlike figure?
I like the idea you have here, but I too think it needs some editing. I think the poem would be more effective if S3 also began with some form of "I am." But I also tend to be too repetitive in my poetry... so that's just my opinion. Looking forward to another draft!
(02-18-2014, 01:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: [ -> ]the unborn witness of birth and death.
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so.
The ambiguity here is interesting. From a Christian standpoint, God has already been born so…..
Boxes are either for saving things, storing things, given as gifts. People are buried in boxes. I like "boxes." Takes me in many directions. Jonah was swallowed. He "knew" after he was swallowed, and according to the narrator…"Inside, THEY know,…"
There's really not enough here to make this a legitimate poem that stands by itself. I could see it as a "verse"…a new psalm, so to speak, in a new Book of Psalms. I like the presumptuous attitude and pompous nature of the narrator.
Do something else w/this. Please.
(02-18-2014, 01:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: [ -> ]the unborn witness of birth and death.
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so.
i quite like it but i'm not sure who the i am is. not sure so at the end works well enough to keep. i think it needs more body.
As I have no idea what this refers to, it is impossible to make any meaningful; comment on it.
dale
(02-18-2014, 01:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: [ -> ]the unborn witness of birth and death.
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so.
This reads as if it were a riddle recited by pompous microscopic omipotent being. Am I right?
Seriously, though I recommend a much larger font. Additionally, there are ambiguities and contradictions herein. The I, they, them, souls are lifeless. The italics convey little.
Perhaps, this poem is unborn and needs a few more months of nurturing in the womb.
(02-18-2014, 01:57 PM)allykat727 Wrote: [ -> ]the unborn witness of birth and death.
The surface of my breath is separated into boxes: souls growing, slow,
And in my shadow-stuffed hollows, I swallow my souls alone.
Inside, they know,
I am the one who loves them so.
Found this strangely interesting; normally I'd say ditch the "souls" as they have been done to death by far better poets than frequent these pages, but even that hackneyed word seems to fit somehow.
Obi.