A smell i can't describe
Pungent and sweet
Irritating every part of my being
Could it be the smell of the tormenting temptation?
Hiding away in my memory
My senses
Crawling to the deepest part
My organs familiarizing itself with pain
pungent aroma of the past
of the times I fell
Stumbled
Silly how every scene in history has a sense
Settling inside of my heart
My nose
Bypassing the limits of pure memory
I find your poem filled w/wonderful words. There are things I want to "see" but can't b/c you don't "show" me…your entire poem is a "tell" poem. You tell me the smell is pungent and sweet but I don't know what it is. You tell me it may be a temptation, a memory, but I don't know what it is. It's a scene in history that settles inside your heart, but I can't see it. By the time I finish your poem, I don't know anything about what you're telling me about.
Show me.
Olfactory memory is an interesting chink in the language/thought/dialog conundrum.
Nice pom.
hi acasia,
the first line doesn't hold water as you go on to describe it. a suggestion would be to start with the 2nd line as pungent dictates a smell is involved. when you say pungent can you give an example? the 2nd line, what you're saying is
Irritating me,
no need for the drawn out you...a suggestion would be to use a simile here, it's a perfect place for it.
an example would be:
Irritating me like a mouth ulcer.
(just an example as sweet has a place in taste.)
using memorable words like pungent more than once in such a short poem needs a really good reason, there is none in this instance.
thanks for the read.
(01-04-2014, 02:48 PM)AcasiaMotley Wrote: [ -> ]A smell i can't describe
Pungent and sweet
Irritating every part of my being
Could it be the smell of the tormenting temptation?
Hiding away in my memory what are you trying to convey.
My senses
Crawling to the deepest part
My organs familiarizing itself with pain
pungent aroma of the past
of the times I fell
Stumbled
Silly how every scene in history has a sense. this line is different than the rest. it makes the reader stop and think it connects a sexual encounter to a touch, a favourite moment to a scoop of ice cream etc.
Settling inside of my heart
My nose
Bypassing the limits of pure memory