Edit
My derriere was bare the day
I cooked his favorite meal
in oven mitts and heels to add
a pinch of sex appeal.
I sucked my drippy fingertips.
He licked his parted lips
and gave me sweaty fantasies,
complete with cuffs and whips.
His hungry eyes excited me
between my tingling thighs
until I saw his gaze was on
my cooling cherry pies.
Original
My derriere was bare the day
I cooked his favorite meal
in oven mitts and heels to add
a pinch of sex appeal.
I smirked because it seemed to work.
He licked his parted lips
and gave me sweaty fantasies,
complete with cuffs and whips.
His hungry eyes excited me
between my tingling thighs
until I saw his gaze was on
my cooling cherry pies.
(11-22-2013, 09:13 AM)tigrflye Wrote: [ -> ]My derriere was bare the day
I cooked his favorite meal
in oven mitts and heels to add
a pinch of sex appeal.
I smirked because it seemed to work. seems a bit top heavy compared to your other lines.
He licked his parted lips
and gave me sweaty fantasies,
complete with cuffs and whips.
His hungry eyes excited me
between my tingling thighs
until I saw his gaze was on
my cooling cherry pies.
Hey tiger,
Looks good to me other than v2/L1. A few punctuation issues in there also but they are easy fixes for you. also, I think a fourth verse would work here because it would build the suspense a bit more. Perhaps you can throw the guy out or something like that. I just think you have some room to play around some more. Fun read though
Thanks,
Chazz
Thanks Chazz,
Yes, that line is a bit chunkier than the others. I will think about how to tweak it.
Thank you for the feedback
-Jenn
Nice Jenn and I don't even have to undress you with my eyes to envision you herein (_i_)! Why couldn't he have a little cherry pie before kneeling down before your mystic pie? 
To the poem! Some of the random rhymes added to a fun read. The close sounds smooth and is very amusing. For the title, something like 'Insatiable' may serve you better, especially with the double entendre for both his bottomless stomach and your neglected sexual appetite. Using ‘as’ for ‘because’ may iron out that line. There is probably a better word for ‘sweaty’. What about ‘sultry’? It still implies heat, but adds the sexy overtone. Some spice for thought.
Cheers/Chris
My derriere was bare the day
I like that fine imagery.
I cooked his favorite meal
Lines like this can always work; but it seems almost like filler. It seems a commonplace idea to pop into someone's head: saying too much without saying anything.
in oven mitts and heels to add
a pinch of sex appeal.
These things work in rhyming poems, even the old popular poets do it. Adding too much that says nothing for the rhythm or the rhyme. This is what I think anyway. Of course there's sex appeal, that goes without saying.
My derriere was bare the day
I cooked in oven mitts and heels
Gives everything without feeling too top heavy.
I smirked because it seemed to work.
He licked his parted lips
and gave me sweaty fantasies,
complete with cuffs and whips.
These rhythms don't work well. But it has a light-hearted tone, so it's not all that important to worry about. Something could be smoothed out though.
His hungry eyes excited me
between my tingling thighs
until I saw his gaze was on
my cooling cherry pies.
It doesn't read smoothly, that's all. I could imagine much more to a scene like this, and better words to describe it. But I've had lots of practice imagining these scenes.
(11-23-2013, 12:47 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: [ -> ]Nice Jenn and I don't even have to undress you with my eyes to envision you herein (_i_)! Why couldn't he have a little cherry pie before kneeling down before your mystic pie?
To the poem! Some of the random rhymes added to a fun read. The close sounds smooth and is very amusing. For the title, something like 'Insatiable' may serve you better, especially with the double entendre for both his bottomless stomach and your neglected sexual appetite. Using ‘as’ for ‘because’ may iron out that line. There is probably a better word for ‘sweaty’. What about ‘sultry’? It still implies heat, but adds the sexy overtone. Some spice for thought.
Cheers/Chris
Thanks, -for the comments. Glad you thought it was fun.
The title - I thought was cute-adding spice to the meal/to the relationship
No? Hm.
I agree about "sweaty". But I'm not sold on sultry either. Maybe I could use "spicy" if I changed the title?
Rowen-
Hey, thanks. You make some good points. Maybe I can manage to iron it out a bit so it will read more smoothly.