In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
Morning
In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
Hi Wjames,
Your choice of words makes this poem move and move well. The loneliness you caught. I've lived in apartments with thin walls.
Your poem initially caught at my heart strings but now I'm smiling at old memories it stirred up.
The only thing that seems out of place to me is the title and yet I don't have a better suggestion. I thought of Mourning, but not happy with that either. What about Vacant?
Thank you for your poem. Thank you for triggering memories.
Be blessed with love, abundantly,
Graystar
(11-06-2013, 01:29 PM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
Is morning a pun on mourning? Don't answer. I will take it as such because for me it gives a richer reading if it is 
. 'In the end' is ambiguous, end of life? a story? Though it's intriguing that you put it at the beginning.
(11-06-2013, 02:52 PM)Graystar Wrote: [ -> ]Morning
In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
Hi Wjames,
Your choice of words makes this poem move and move well. The loneliness you caught. I've lived in apartments with thin walls.
Your poem initially caught at my heart strings but now I'm smiling at old memories it stirred up.
The only thing that seems out of place to me is the title and yet I don't have a better suggestion. I thought of Mourning, but not happy with that either. What about Vacant?
Thank you for your poem. Thank you for triggering memories.
Be blessed with love, abundantly,
Graystar
Nice suggestion, I think I'm going to change the title to "Vacancy", thanks.
(11-06-2013, 01:29 PM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]In the end, I awake alone. IMO, "I wake alone" would read better and have some sembelance of meter
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door. maybe "crashing from" to get rid of some wordiness.
Very nice! Short and to the point, like I like 'em. Great title, too. The only thing I'm wondering...you started with "in the end". In the end of what?
(11-06-2013, 01:29 PM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
The thing is the moans are crashing through the common wall of two apartments, right?
But as it is writ I see the sounds coming out a window or through the door as I walk by.
Do you get what I mean?
Hi Wjames.
I got here from the "Today's Posts" list and had to look back up to make sure we weren't in "Just for Fun". It's a bit obvious for me. I'm not a fan of stupidly obscure poetry, and you gave it a nice realistic touch, but it was too predictable.
Surprise me.
-justcloudy
(11-06-2013, 01:29 PM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ]In the end, I awake alone.
The emptiness of my king-sized bed
magnified by the unbridled moans
crashing out of the apartment next door.
Hi Wjames, you packed a lot into this, it delivers that feeling of melancholy when you wake up alone in an empty bed, then gets deeper from the sex next door. Not sure about crashing it doesn't seem to fit the softness of a moan, you could swap moan for groan and switch crashing for moaning. but just a suggestion. I enjoyed the moment you give the reader, thanks Keith
(11-07-2013, 04:19 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: [ -> ]Very nice! Short and to the point, like I like 'em. Great title, too. The only thing I'm wondering...you started with "in the end". In the end of what?
I started with "In the end" to try and give it some layers. It could mean that no matter what, in the end I wind up waking alone. "The end" could also be interpreted as the aftermath of the narrator's own one night stand, after which his perceptions of the situation have changed. That might be a little too obscure though.
firstly, this poem is really nicely written. I love short poems!
Maybe i am awakened to the lonely emptiness of my king sized bed...
or I wake up alone to...
But really it is beautiful as is.
I can definitely relate
I started sympathising with the poem here, right up until I realised he/she has a king size bed. Things aren't that bad
It's a nice poem: sweet, simple, and to the point. Not much I can add in terms of actual workshopping
The art of gut-level brevity! I love this. It has
too little meat for me to fill up on but enough
to keep me hungry. Thank you.