.
Once the parent mistook for God,
where our mothers before had trod,
little hands went reaching up
to find some solace there.
Yet no solace in this land,
which lacks for spirit thus is bland,
where soul and body have been parted,
and claim but desolation.
Reunite the tortured halves,
return the cow now to her calves,
then in the warmth of loving arms,
we will rest and sleep.
For the oft' divided land,
births the tiger not the lamb,
and harvest not the golden grain,
nor finds her consolation.
© -Erthona
(10-15-2013, 09:22 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ].
Once the parent mistook for God,
where our mothers before had trod,
little hands went reaching up
to find some solace there.
Yet no solace in this land, solace used last line, possibly this line could use a different word
which lacks for spirit thus is bland,
where soul and body have been clave, to make hollow, at first didn't think it was the best choice, but now I see how perfect of a word that is for the meaning here
and claim but desolation. good
Reunite the tortured halves,
return the cow now to her calves, I enjoyed these first two lines of this stanza, although I don't think this one needs "now"
then in the warmth of loving arms,
we will rest and sleep.
For the oft' divided land,
births the tiger not the lamb, again really good, I enjoyed
and harvest not the golden grain,
nor finds her consolation.
© -Erthona
I really enjoyed. "Little hands went reaching up.... return the cow now to her calves. That was a great. I found the meaning of this poem to be very well constructed. It has great choice of words and good rhyming. I could barely critique this poem, it's just past the extent of my critiquing capabilities. Great work
Malu,
Thanks for your comments.
"solace used last line, possibly this line could use a different word"
That's possible, I have thought about it. On the positive side I like that it connects the one stanza to the next. One the negative side, it is a repeated word close together, however I'm not sure I want to change it simply because of a rule/conceit.
"to make hollow, at first didn't think it was the best choice, but now I see how perfect of a word that is for the meaning here"
At first I had "parted" instead of "clave". I changed it primarily to smooth out the line by removing the extra syllable. I'm still not sure if "parted" hurts the reading all that much.
Thanks again,
Dale