"The heart of Bethlehem's beatin' in you",
he said as she flicked off a splash,
then wiped the blade on one of the Psalms.
A window sayin' "shush..." with ratty curtains,
two leather chairs, a corpse in one, no light
except the sun, a litany of prayers
from left to right, an open door behind.
"I love ya' daddy", says the girl, with cares
only for knives and God. Eighteen years
and not a day with mind for school or boys.
"That thing won't keep" he says, looking lightly
at the whore, whose eyes don't leave the open door.
"You think he fucks her?" one kid asks his friend,
the voice a phantom in the darkened hall.
"Body or girl?" is his reply, munching.
(10-03-2013, 11:35 AM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ]"The heart of Bethlehem's beatin' in you",
he said as she flicked off a splash,
then wiped the blade on one of the Psalms. strong start
A window sayin' "shush..." with ratty curtains, I like the shush from the window
two leather chairs, a corpse in one, no light
except the sun, a litany of hairs I don't get the litany of hairs
from left to right, a door open behind.
"I love ya' daddy", says the girl, with cares with cares broke the flow for me
only for knives and God. Eighteen years
and not a day with mind for school or boys.
"That thing won't keep" he says, looking lightly chilling
at the whore, whose eyes don't leave the open door.
"You think he fucks her?" one kid asks his friend,
the voice a phantom in the darkened hall.
"Body or girl?" is his reply, munching. great ending
I really enjoyed this, it comes from a place I'm not used to ( I don't watch scary movies), and came across clearly.
Thanks for the read.
Thank you for your kind, honest and insightful feedback, ellajam
I'm not sure even what "litany of hairs" means...
Is this about incest? I'm lost but intrigued.
Or maybe celibacy? :/
It's about two people watching a movie about a father and daughter who kill people. Thank you for your comment, Apophrades
Oh yes, that makes sense
It's so vivid now! I guess I have to give my feedback
. "with cares" is unfamiliar to me, should it be "who cares?" I don't know :/. the rhyme whore and door is actually quite chilling, and doesn't detract from the dead body at all. "a door open behind" opens? I really don't have much to say, it doesn't seem like it's in need of much workshopping.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, Apophrades
For someone who seemed to be dreading it you did pretty well
I think this is wonderful (I truly love the dark stuff.) You've got some great advice already ( I would change it to who cares)
I just adoring a shushing window, and I love the sound of a litany of hairs, although, honestly, it doesn't and will never make sense. Perhaps " a litany of half-spoken prayers while she fondles her hair" or something like...would be a nice use of internal rhyme. Fondles may seem like an odd choice, but I'd like to think of it as a foreshadowing to the end. I might go with eyes looking chilling too, but it would have to be chillingly. Um, one phrase I didn't get at all was the "from left to right, a door open behind"--does from left to right refer back to the litany of hairs? Should it be a door OPENS behind, or is it an opened door behind?
At any rate, truly enjoyed this.
bena/mel
The "litany of hairs" is scattered from left to right, and the door is standing open behind. I
love the idea of replacing "hairs" with "prayers", so much so I don't why I didn't think of it myself. I'll make an edit in a moment. Thank you very much for your awesome feedback, bena
ah yes now i get it. would it make more sense if it was "an open door behind"? Also, i think it is unnecessary that you have that line since later you say, "whose eyes don't leave the open door."
"Open door" would be better, as it doesn't break the meter I was going for there. I'll make the edit now. Cheers, Apophrades