Pale
smooth
unblemished skin
Thin
straight nose line
Smiling
Cupid's bow lips
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes
not piercing
happy
kind
She invited me to her house
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible
irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now
60 days from 56th birthday
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart
pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
Hi Nick, This one has a good basic understory / plot but your poem has become a bit of a list of memory fragments that tell and i think it could be improved upon with some more images and some more connecting words between the statments.
I would suggest that you look at each snapshot of thought and try and offer something that will give the reader something todwell over.
The thing that comes to my mind is that the title could perhaps be used as a lead to use the images of frost and spring to give us pictures of this girl.
So looking at the first lines with this in mind, I offer a few suggestions for you to play around.
Her eyes could be Christalised, clear blue spring sky eyes
Her skin could be compared to Emerging snowdrop skin, pale silk to finger touch.
Her lips Frozen dew drops kissed by the sun
Well formed and smooth they yield moistness.
Choose your words carefully to convey the image that you want to best picture this girl. Each word that we use for example snowdrop will often carry a significance and an image beyond the phisical representation of the object. So for me this signifies purity, sweetness, new hope / emerging potential.
These are just my suggestions...this is your poem perhaps this girl might be better served with Autumn images.
Try also to think about if a word is in keping with the tone of a poem. "Pardner" in particular feels very wrong and out of place here (assuming this is a dialect use of partener).
Hope these comments are of some help
All the best
AJ.
Hi Nick,
This one has a good basic understory / plot but your poem has become a bit of a list of memory fragments that tell and i think it could be improved upon with some more images and some more connecting words between the statments.
I would suggest that you look at each snapshot of thought and try and offer something that will give the reader something to dwell over.
The thing that comes to my mind is that the title could perhaps be used as a lead to use the images of frost and spring to give us pictures of this girl.
So looking at the first lines with this in mind, I offer a few suggestions for you to play around.
Her eyes could be: Christalised, clear blue spring sky eyes
Her skin could be compared to: Emerging snowdrop skin, pale silk to finger touch.
Her lips : Frozen dew drops kissed by the sun
Well formed and smooth they yield moistness.
Choose your words carefully to convey the image that you want to best picture this girl. Each word that we use for example snowdrop will often carry a significance and an image beyond the phisical representation of the object. So for me this signifies purity, sweetness, new hope / emerging potential.
These are just my suggestions...this is your poem perhaps this girl might be better served with Autumn images.
Try also to think about if a word is in keeping with the tone of a poem. "Pardner" in particular feels very wrong and out of place here (assuming this is a dialect use of partener).
Hope these comments are of some help
All the best
AJ.
(09-25-2013, 04:51 PM)cidermaid Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Nick,
This one has a good basic understory / plot but your poem has become a bit of a list of memory fragments that tell and i think it could be improved upon with some more images and some more connecting words between the statments.
I would suggest that you look at each snapshot of thought and try and offer something that will give the reader something to dwell over.
The thing that comes to my mind is that the title could perhaps be used as a lead to use the images of frost and spring to give us pictures of this girl.
So looking at the first lines with this in mind, I offer a few suggestions for you to play around.
Her eyes could be: Christalised, clear blue spring sky eyes
Her skin could be compared to: Emerging snowdrop skin, pale silk to finger touch.
Her lips : Frozen dew drops kissed by the sun
Well formed and smooth they yield moistness.
Choose your words carefully to convey the image that you want to best picture this girl. Each word that we use for example snowdrop will often carry a significance and an image beyond the phisical representation of the object. So for me this signifies purity, sweetness, new hope / emerging potential.
These are just my suggestions...this is your poem perhaps this girl might be better served with Autumn images.
Try also to think about if a word is in keeping with the tone of a poem. "Pardner" in particular feels very wrong and out of place here (assuming this is a dialect use of partener).
Hope these comments are of some help
All the best
AJ.
I understand what you are saying about working the description.
I have another person in mind whom I've not written about. I will apply your suggestions to a piece that covers my experience with her.
Thanks for your time and thoughts.
Nick
Love it. But it seems kind of.. empty.
But nevertheless, it tells a great story.
Very Relatable.
Keep up the good work![/b]
(09-27-2013, 10:41 AM)Maya Kicks Lemons Wrote: [ -> ]Love it. But it seems kind of.. empty.
But nevertheless, it tells a great story.
Very Relatable.
Keep up the good work![/b]
"empty"
Yeah. That's it. That is what I want the piece to convey. How an event that happened over forty years ago created a space inside the writer that cannot be filled.
And that the writer learned from that and wants to offer the reader a bit of info on how things can go.
Thanks for posting your impressions.
(09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind. Use a period after the word piercing.
She invited me to her house. Comma after house.
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
Nice poem, I would like to see more of your emotion coming out. There seems to be a lot of listing in your poem, you need to show the reader, take them on a journey of imagery.
(09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind
The start to the poem is, as other's have said very "listy". It's five lines of imagery all on the same thing, with nothing really connecting it, and no introduction to the story yet.
She invited me to her house
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
The rest of the poem is very mundane, which is probably what you were going for to sort of emphasise the passage of time. I think that mundane quality in a way takes a little bit away from the emotional power of the poem. This is just my opinion of course. All in all, it's not a bad poem and definitely worth an edit if you so desire.
(09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips "Cupid's"
Hair so blonde it was almost white Good descriptor.
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind
She invited me to her house
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
Due to the poem's loose structure I'd recommend replacing every comma with a line break; it will flow better this way, because unless your poem has longer lines and more consistent pauses punctuation just slows it down to a list of bullet points. IMHO, anyway.
I like the seeming innocuousness of this poem; it's so spare and about such a trivial incident that you think, at first, that it's about nothing, but then its insight dawns. That's quite a clever way to write a piece. Thank you for the read
(09-28-2013, 12:14 PM)ilovelovelythings Wrote: [ -> ] (09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind. Use a period after the word piercing.
She invited me to her house. Comma after house.
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
Nice poem, I would like to see more of your emotion coming out. There seems to be a lot of listing in your poem, you need to show the reader, take them on a journey of imagery.
Thanks for your comments.
(09-29-2013, 04:31 AM)Wjames Wrote: [ -> ] (09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind
The start to the poem is, as other's have said very "listy". It's five lines of imagery all on the same thing, with nothing really connecting it, and no introduction to the story yet.
She invited me to her house
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
The rest of the poem is very mundane, which is probably what you were going for to sort of emphasise the passage of time. I think that mundane quality in a way takes a little bit away from the emotional power of the poem. This is just my opinion of course. All in all, it's not a bad poem and definitely worth an edit if you so desire.
It appears you have quoted the entire poem and commented "The rest of the poem".
Thus I am uncertain of your meaning.
However, thanks for giving it a read.
Oh, perhaps you intend "The poem is very mundane" in your opening line. If so then now I get your comment. And thanks again.
(10-03-2013, 11:34 AM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ] (09-25-2013, 06:39 AM)Nick Wrote: [ -> ]Pale, smooth, unblemished skin
Thin, straight nose line
Smiling, cupids bow lips "Cupid's"
Hair so blonde it was almost white Good descriptor.
Blue eyes, not piercing, happy, kind
She invited me to her house
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge
'Could I fix it?'
I didn't know how
Told her and her mother
'I was sorry'
Went home,
never went back
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday,
it seems it happened
last week
Always act from the heart, pardner
What you do
never
leaves you
Due to the poem's loose structure I'd recommend replacing every comma with a line break; it will flow better this way, because unless your poem has longer lines and more consistent pauses punctuation just slows it down to a list of bullet points. IMHO, anyway.
I like the seeming innocuousness of this poem; it's so spare and about such a trivial incident that you think, at first, that it's about nothing, but then its insight dawns. That's quite a clever way to write a piece. Thank you for the read
Okay.
I reshaped it with your suggestions.
Gonna let it set like that and give it another look later.
Thanks for your input.
Venturing out of critiquing in just novice, so bear with me, because even in that forum I lack credibility. The first two stanzas list characteristics and adjectives. That's more telling instead of showing. The rest of the poem also tells the story instead of showing, I think you can describe just a little bit more in each stanza and it will go a long way. The story itself was something I enjoyed. The take home message at the end was perfect. I often find myself regretting things I didn't do rather than the things I did, you never know till you try right? So go for those things! It's much better saying to yourself well now I know, instead of losing sleep over what could of been. Wait, I may have misread that part after halfway, yeah, I think so haha. Well I got the real message now, but I think my critique still applies, just not as much haha.
Pale smooth unblemished skin
straight nose, line smiling
cupid's bow lips, thin.
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing
happy
kind
(She invited me to her house)
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge 'Could I fix it?'
Would she care?
I didn't know how,
told her and her mother -
sorry
never went back,
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable.
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday
it seems it happened
last week.
Always act from the heart pardner.
What you do never leaves you.
(10-06-2013, 03:21 PM)Malu Wrote: [ -> ]Venturing out of critiquing in just novice, so bear with me, because even in that forum I lack credibility. The first two stanzas list characteristics and adjectives. That's more telling instead of showing. The rest of the poem also tells the story instead of showing, I think you can describe just a little bit more in each stanza and it will go a long way. The story itself was something I enjoyed. The take home message at the end was perfect. I often find myself regretting things I didn't do rather than the things I did, you never know till you try right? So go for those things! It's much better saying to yourself well now I know, instead of losing sleep over what could of been. Wait, I may have misread that part after halfway, yeah, I think so haha. Well I got the real message now, but I think my critique still applies, just not as much haha.
I get what you are sayin'.
Thanks for your views.
(10-07-2013, 05:30 AM)ScurryFunger Wrote: [ -> ]Pale smooth unblemished skin
straight nose, line smiling
cupid's bow lips, thin.
Hair so blonde it was almost white
Blue eyes, not piercing
happy
kind
(She invited me to her house)
There was a problem with the
cupboard hinge 'Could I fix it?'
Would she care?
I didn't know how,
told her and her mother -
sorry
never went back,
Always felt
I left something there
Intangible, irretrievable.
We were 14 that year
Now, 60 days from 56th birthday
it seems it happened
last week.
Always act from the heart pardner.
What you do never leaves you.
Interesting treatment.
Thanks.