Poetry Forum - Senryu (July 2013)

In the red
mid month;
gruel again.

this is one of my faves so far.

i also think it's one of those that can be (as ray said) either or

i don't think you need any punctuation but of course it's your prerogative Smile

Obviously not a meal to be envious of. Cruel gruel. Nicely stark.

The sounds roll together, beautifully. That's my first thought. I like it. It makes me think of my bathroom renovation. It sounds so good at the start. It will look so good at the end. But in the middle of it, I want to throw a fucking two-by-four through a wall and can't see the beauty or the reason. Beautiful and simple choice if words!!

(07-28-2013, 10:42 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]this is one of my faves so far.

i also think it's one of those that can be (as ray said) either or

i don't think you need any punctuation but of course it's your prerogative

Hi billy,
Thanks so much and I'm glad you like it.
I appreciate your feedback on the punctuation. You think I should lose the semicolon? I'm still not all sure when to use it, and when not to use it.
Best,
Louise

(07-28-2013, 11:06 AM)Aish Wrote: [ -> ]Obviously not a meal to be envious of. Cruel gruel. Nicely stark.

Hi Aish,
Lots of thanks for commenting, I appreciate it Smile

Best,
LB

(07-28-2013, 11:07 AM)Vistaldust Wrote: [ -> ]The sounds roll together, beautifully. That's my first thought. I like it. It makes me think of my bathroom renovation. It sounds so good at the start. It will look so good at the end. But in the middle of it, I want to throw a fucking two-by-four through a wall and can't see the beauty or the reason. Beautiful and simple choice if words!!

Hi Vistaldust,
Thanks a lot for your feedback, I appreciate it Smile

Best,
LB

(07-29-2013, 10:27 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote: [ -> ]
(07-28-2013, 07:49 AM)Volaticus Wrote: [ -> ]

In the red
mid month;
gruel again.

This is a perfect statement..not a syllable wasted.

Thanks so much fogglethorpe, I appreciate it Smile

Louise