Poetry Forum

thunderstorm-
butterfly struggles
on the pavement

(2nd original)
a rain soaked
butterfly struggles
on the pavement

(original)
butterflies
gathering,
at the crossroads

not bad,

i wonder what the rules are on using just two lines?

(07-24-2013, 10:09 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]not bad,

i wonder what the rules are on using just two lines?

Cheers. I checked about 2 lines and it does happen but very rarely mostly in translation from japanese to english. There's also 1 & 4 line haikus, it's a fucking nightmare sometimes even 3 lines.

I presume by 2 lines you read "butterflies gathering" as one, which I see where your coming from.
It's fictitious which is unusual for my haiku, it's always stuff I've seen, so it didn't feel right in some ways, if that makes sense. Just trying different stuff

(07-25-2013, 01:50 AM)JustLivingLies Wrote: [ -> ]Haikus are not a form of poetry that I really understand. You were so nice with your critique of my piece and I want to reciprocate, but am afraid I cannot in this instance. I really don't understand the meaning of the piece or where you are going (or went) with it. I didn't really "feel" anything after I read it; I was left with an unsatisfied, empty feeling, like I had only sampled a morsel of what I had hoped to be a banquet. Maybe it's because I don't have much experience with haikus that I don't get it, and perhaps I should not have even commented given my confessed ignorance. My sincerest apologies; it may indeed be a fabulous piece and I am just missing something. I'm sorry that this review isn't more positive; I hope you don't take it personally. You seem like a jolly good fellow

Hi thanks for taking time to comment. Don't worry about me taking anything personally, I wouldn't ever do that. I applaud you for being honest, doing critique is not always easy and it would of been easier for you to have not commented.
To be honest this is very different from all the other haikus I've wrote and probably the shortest one that I've wrote, and in my experimentation with trying to be as brief and efficient with words as possible I may have went too far. I guess that's why I posted it, to see if it was too far. It's very untypical of my usual haiku or indeed most other haiku. Don't let it put you off haiku or other short forms, they do really have a lot to offer.
Thanks again for the honesty, I appreciate it.
Cheers
Mark

(07-24-2013, 09:42 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: [ -> ]butterflies
gathering,
at the crossroads

yeah, though i was more thinking

butterflies gather
crossroads

though it changes the thing completely

or

butterflies gather
above crossroads
no directions

(07-25-2013, 07:43 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-24-2013, 09:42 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: [ -> ]butterflies
gathering,
at the crossroads

yeah, though i was more thinking

butterflies gather
crossroads

though it changes the thing completely

or

butterflies gather
above crossroads
no directions

Hi Billy, I've dropped the crossroads and done an edit trying to salvage what I could, there was a reason I was using the word crossroads, but it's not really part of my everyday vocabulary so it seemed to sit uncomfortably as an image. Thanks for your thoughts on it..

which line is the cut, or turn?

(07-25-2013, 12:59 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]which line is the cut, or turn?

final edit???

no need to worry. all the ones you did are okay.
i think we could tweak any haiku all day long, it's why they're interesting
i like this edit best