Poetry Forum - Family Outings

Family Outings

Clowns parade -
human ovation;
elephants wail.

(07-22-2013, 10:16 AM)Volaticus Wrote: [ -> ]

Family Outings

Clowns parading -
human ovation;
elephants wail.

I would trade "parading" for parade.

(07-22-2013, 11:25 AM)milo Wrote: [ -> ]I would trade "parading" for parade.

It was my original word, I should just have stuck with it. Thanks a lot!

These images are really vivid and strong and work well together. Also it works on so many different levels depending on how it's read. When I first read it yesterday it felt like a very sad poem.
I like the aspect of three points of view based around the same situation, it's a bit like the film Mystery Train which if you haven't seen, makes my comment seem a little strange.
Thanks I enjoyed reading it.
Mark.

(07-23-2013, 03:39 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote: [ -> ]Volaticus, I like the images you captured. And I agree, "parading" is better.

Why the semicolon after L2? Would a comma work better?

Hi fogglethorpe,
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it and I'm glad to hear you like the images.
I put the semicolon, because I meant for the last line to represent the sad result of the first two lines. Would a comma still work better?
Thanks a lot again.
Best,
LB

(07-23-2013, 07:37 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: [ -> ]These images are really vivid and strong and work well together. Also it works on so many different levels depending on how it's read. When I first read it yesterday it felt like a very sad poem.
I like the aspect of three points of view based around the same situation, it's a bit like the film Mystery Train which if you haven't seen, makes my comment seem a little strange.
Thanks I enjoyed reading it.
Mark.

Hi Mark,
Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful comments. I am glad to hear that you enjoyed the poem. I must admit I don't know the movie, but I looked it up and read about it, so your comment doesn't seem strange at all Wink

Thanks again.
My best,
Louise

i liked it but you may hate me for why Sad

the line human ovation, it makes me think more of a pregnant woman than clapping and when you follow that by elephants wail which works on two levels it's almost effing perfect.

(07-23-2013, 10:33 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]i liked it but you may hate me for why

the line human ovation, it makes me think more of a pregnant woman than clapping and when you follow that by elephants wail which works on two levels it's almost effing perfect.

Hi billy,
I think your reason for liking my poem is absolutely excellent, so no hate here Wink

Thanks for commenting and for giving me a refreshingly different view on my poem that I had not seen myself.
My best,
Louise

(07-24-2013, 04:40 AM)fogglethorpe Wrote: [ -> ]I do think a comma would work better. It's strictly personal preference, though, and not a deal breaker. The haiku is good either way.

Thanks a lot for answering my question Smile