NOOOOO!
THANKS!! JEFF!!!
now, my mouse is gone.
fuck my life.
i will never punch again,
never will i win this strife.
fucking jeff, my claws are gone!
YOU always WIN.
you, raped my mouse.
killed, my mouse.
and my friend.
mouse.
man.
jeff, the cat.
fuck off.
some guy once told me to suck his dick in a bathroom.
some guy made me give him a back rub when i was 9.
some guy made me suck him off to prove a point.
violating of a life is rape.
seriously.
Robert Cave
BI and proud
I've never seen brisco County Jr, but I love Bruce Campbell, army of darkness, Bubba ho-tep, reading this I hear Bruce Campbell's narration.
(06-12-2013, 06:34 AM)Bunx Wrote: [ -> ]NOOOOO!
THANKS!! JEFF!!!
now, my mouse is gone. I get the impression this is from a cats point of view
fuck my life.
i will never punch again,
never will i win this strife. This sounds like the owner now
fucking jeff, my claws are gone! Back to the cat? I really like this strophe, poor cat
YOU always WIN.
you, raped my mouse.
killed, my mouse.
and my friend.
mouse.
man.
jeff, the cat. Back to the man? Jeff or cave, I looked up brisco County Jr I don't get these references
fuck off.
some guy once told me to suck his dick in a bathroom.
some guy made me give him a back rub when i was 9.
some guy made me suck him off to prove a point.
violating of a life is rape. This sounds like Bruce Campbell, is he comparing the absurdity of how the cat feels about losing his mouse to what rape actually is?
seriously.
Robert Cave
BI and proud see, Jeff, brisco, cave, cat, bi? I cannot follow, maybe because I havent seen the show?
(06-12-2013, 06:34 AM)Bunx Wrote: [ -> ]NOOOOO! Pleasant introduction. It's subtle and yet draws the reader right in- with just one word, for that matter. One extremely distended word.
THANKS!! JEFF!!! So are you actually thanking your friend Jeff, or are you arbitrarily yelling independent clauses at random? Some psychiatrists may agree that you suffer from turrets syndrome.
now, my mouse is gone. I feel so sorry for your mouse.
fuck my life. I know what you mean, bro. True. True.
i will never punch again,
never will i win this strife.
fucking jeff, my claws are gone! So you say claws instead of hands. Did you symbolically kill your own mouse out of a turrets-induced rage whilst reminded of this ambiguous "Jeff" character? Interesting.
YOU always WIN. Excellent way to accent the meter with emotion.
you, raped my mouse.
killed, my mouse. Now I see why your mouse is dead. Very disturbing image, well-written.
and my friend. This part fills my eyes with tears.
mouse.
man. There seems to be a subtle juxtaposition made here between the finish of the previous stanza leading directly into the introduction of "man". "Jeff" is a man's name, and mice harbor the closest resemblance of brain-function to man. Because you suggested that you are in fact crazy as fuck, I would imagine that you suffer from DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder. Are you Jeff, the mouse?
jeff, the cat. Oh, okay.
fuck off. What a beautiful way to express your love to him.
some guy once told me to suck his dick in a bathroom. Were you going to get paid?
some guy made me give him a back rub when i was 9. Oh, what a strange way to lead into the ending.
some guy made me suck him off to prove a point.
violating of a life is rape. I'm noticing a change here. The tone has gotten really dark, and I kind of want there to be a happy ending.
seriously. Yes, seriously.
Robert Cave
BI and proud I'm gay.
So I sense that, maybe, I should not have critiqued your poem. In the end, I decided I put too much work into it to scrap it. Good job!