So your telling me I go
from a hundred bucks,
to shucks.
I just promoted
the dopest of movements.
A Band I was in
back then.
Now...
I'm not getting anything
again?
What in the ducks
is in your murky pond.
Full of wheat and shit.
I don't give a fuck about
that bar,
or the amazing people
inside of it.
Because of you,
charlie,
you unicorn.
Get some real juice.
(05-26-2013, 02:59 AM)Bunx Wrote: [ -> ]So your telling me I go
from a hundred bucks,
to shucks.
I just promoted,
the dopest of movements.
a Band I was in
back then.
and now...
im not getting anything
again?
what in the ducks
is in your merky pond.
Full of wheat and shit.
I don't give a fuck about
that bar
or the amazing people
inside of it.
because of you,
charlie,
you unicorn.
get some real juice.
I think a whole poem about Charlie the Unicorn and using the phenomenon as an extended metaphor could be interesting
hahaha thanks! charlie is pretty nice to those damn kids
It is not critique as such - but before you post, it is worth proof reading your poem for grammar and punctuation - it is only basic things, wrong use of your, capitals at the start of sentences, etc.
I like the personality that comes through, it is a short poem yet you have established a good character. I would say though that your line breaks seem a little erratic to me.
yes thanks alot Ms Rainbow. meter and grammar have been hard for me to get a grasp on in poetry. as well as how it is read with said punctuation. would you suggest using more commas?
Run through it, capitalise the start of sentences, correct that 'I'm' that you've left there
If anything I'd take some commas out. Take this sentence:
I just promoted, the dopest of movements.
And then: I just promoted the dopest of movements.
Without the comma the sentence makes more sense - so I'd take it out. Look at your sentences separately, if they make sense great, if they don't then adjust until they do.
