Her gracefulness
#1
Hello, 2 days ago I started writing poems in English (I've been writing for a long time, but in Serbian). I've written 3 poems in 2 days, and fun thing is every poem is for a different section, I guess whilst writting I get better and better. Here is the first one:

Her gracefulness

She reminds me of an
old, good book.
She is endless.

Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.

Oh Lord, when her eyes stumble upon mine,
I, the lost one, am finally found.
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
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#2
(01-11-2013, 08:18 AM)Sonata Wrote:  Hello, 2 days ago I started writing poems in English (I've been writing for a long time, but in Serbian). I've written 3 poems in 2 days, and fun thing is every poem is for a different section, I guess whilst writting I get better and better. Here is the first one:

Her gracefulness

She reminds me of an
old, good book.
She is endless.

Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.

Oh Lord, when her eyes stumble upon mine,
I, the lost one, am finally found.
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.

This is lovely...I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this. I've just started writing poetry, so I'm not one to say, but I think I would prefer if you removed "that's her". Just my opinion, keep it there if you like it. Smile
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#3
Quote:This is lovely...I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this. I've just started writing poetry, so I'm not one to say, but I think I would prefer if you removed "that's her". Just my opinion, keep it there if you like it. Smile

Thank you very much, but I think you misunderstood the "that's her" part, I know what you've meant by your comment, and I definitely appreciate it. But, actually, "that's her" part presents the entire poem, it is emphasizes that everything around it is Her. Smile
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#4
I like this, it's very light and lovely. <3
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#5
hi sonata.
the 1st stanza starts the poem off well.
the 2nd is uses too many intangibles in such a short stanza, what is "beauty divine"? how is she " glorious, magnificent"? the last stanza isn't to bad i specially like the 1st 2 lines of the last stanza. they create a good image.

Quote:Hello, 2 days ago I started writing poems in English (I've been writing for a long time, but in Serbian). I've written 3 poems in 2 days, and fun thing is every poem is for a different section, I guess whilst writting I get better and better. Here is the first one:

Her gracefulness

She reminds me of an
old, good book.
She is endless.

Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.

Oh Lord, when her eyes stumble upon mine,
I, the lost one, am finally found.
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
Reply
#6
Welcome Sonata!
This has some very thoughtful words and I like the comparison between her and a book, I think that's a good description that could be interpreted in many ways depending on the reader and how they feel or think about books.

The second stanza has some good "bones" to start with but I think there needs to be more, maybe another image to go along with beauty divine and glorious magnificent or just some kind of detail describing why or how she is those things. While you know what you meant when you wrote it, the reader will not and can't connect with the narrator's feelings that he/she has or with the girl the narrator is talking about.

"Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me."

I like that, it shows that she lives within the narrator, it's great way to express love and devotion.
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#7
I love how this is simple in terms of words chosen, but the chosen words together convey a deep emotion of love. There is a warmth to it when speaking of the infatuation with the woman. I'm new to this, I can only express what comes out naturally. My favorite read so far, very nice!
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#8
Beautiful writing! The words feel light as a feather, yet they burn with a warm, soft passion... if this poem was a color scheme, I would identify it as cream, flax and a touch of warm burgundy! If I were to critique it, I would say that the second stanza feels a little wordier in a way that takes away from the lightness I mentioned. Overall, very nice and I enjoyed it very much!
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#9
Hello Smile

Overall I enjoyed your poem, you could actually feel the words as they flow along, which I like.

Personally, my only issue is with the word "mine" being used in two lines immediately after one another. I know what you are trying to express, I just feel it stilts it a little & am wondering if their is an alternative you can use that will still maintain the same message.


Her gracefulness

She reminds me of an
old, good book.
She is endless.

Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.

Oh Lord, when her eyes stumble upon mine,
I, the lost one, am finally found.
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
Reply
#10
Hi Sonata,

Simple words can be very tricky to use and I think you did this very well

I find the second stanza too "unexplained"
Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.
It kinds of gives me the impression that the reader has too much latitude and can interpret it whichever he wants (or more cruelly stated, that you might yourself not be sure of exactly how to convey what you want to say). More symbolism might be helpful here.
May be also more symbolism, as I see it, or a more passionate expression of
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
for the final.
It starts very well but falls a bit flat, despite a very strong statement.

With love, for your great soul, and what is good writing I am convinced you could do even better
Huckleberry
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#11
Beautiful! I am new to poetry (novel writer) so I may not have the best advice!

Like someone else mentioned above, using the word mine twice throws me off a little. Perhaps rephrase so you could use the word met instead.

Wonderful work! Makes me wish I was as lucky as the girl being referenced to.
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#12
(01-11-2013, 08:18 AM)Sonata Wrote:  Hello, 2 days ago I started writing poems in English (I've been writing for a long time, but in Serbian). I've written 3 poems in 2 days, and fun thing is every poem is for a different section, I guess whilst writting I get better and better. Here is the first one:

Her gracefulness

She reminds me of an
old, good book.
She is endless.

Beauty divine,
that's her. (get rid of that's her, it adds nothing to the poem)
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.

Oh Lord, when her eyes stumble upon mine,
I, the lost one, am finally found.
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
Overall I found it interesting and the 1st to last lines were beautiful!
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#13
For one writing in a second language, you did an excellent job of expressing your feelings.  Confused


——
This is insufficient critique for this forum.  Even in basic we require more than a one line passing comment.  Next time please give more depth to your critique.  

Thank you,
-Quix/admin
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#14
.
Hi Sonata,
while there is much to like, I think you could cut the second stanza entirely, and perhaps trim the final one ('found', for instance, 'implies 'lost',
making it redundant).  Just a thought.

Oh Lord, I am finally found
in her eyes. Her gracefulness
buried deep inside me. ?


I'd also reconsider 'old' - not a comparison one is likely to enjoy? Smile
(And, maybe, a more interesting title?)


Best, Knot


.
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#15
I am partial to poems like this that are simply sweet and yet brings the point easily to the reader.
I have a few suggestions to consider or not...
I'd rather be compared to a good book, rather than an old one.
In poetry an old rule still applies...show, don't tell, 2nd verse -- what makes her
beauty divine--does she look like an angel, how is she magnificent, in what way?
Just a little more elaboration for the reader could polish this little gem, I also would
like to see a title that would draw the reader in to this lovely infatuation.
I enjoyed the piece.
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