Shaping the future

[Keith]

We sat opposites at a bay window table
waiting for breakfast after the bed
and for me to speak.
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's
as did the wipeable surfaces.

Each setting had an earthenware vase
with a single dusty silk rose
that made me think of teeth
and castanets. I made myself laugh
but only inside.

You were avoiding eyes
as I closed one and lined
the curve of the vase
with the sweep of your hair,
it was a perfect match.

I thought about telling you
but I knew the silence
was carrying our bags to the car
and eventually out of our home,
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.

I found it months later rolling around
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine.

[TranquillityBase]

We sat opposites at a bay window table   
waiting for breakfast after the bed 
and for me to speak.   
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's    had to look up "anaglypta", but I take it it's an easily recognized word across the ocean; maybe should be capitalized?
as did the wipeable surfaces.   this line was something of a letdown after the finely observed details and setup preceding it
   
Each setting had an earthenware vase   
with a single dusty silk rose   
that made me think of teeth   
and castanets. I made myself laugh   
but only inside.               this stanza, also finely observed, strengthens in the increasing tension in the poem
 
You were avoiding eyes     
as I closed one and lined   
the curve of the vase   
with the sweep of your hair,    a startling and compelling detail
it was a perfect match.    narrator defuses the tension, at least for himself, but reader senses something big is coming
 
I thought about telling you   
but I knew the silence   
was carrying our bags to the car        my favorite line, the one that for me makes the poem
and eventually out of our home,   
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.    brilliantly done stanza, bringing into the open the unstated conflict between the two characters
 
I found it months later rolling around   
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine.     piercing coda;  "it's" should be "its"

A strong piece.  I am left wondering about what happened to these two, even caring about them, even though the source of the tension and conflict is never made explicit.  I assumed a split-up, but the single phrase "our bags"  points to something more complex.

TqB

[rowens]

This is transitory critique. People like words that are used in prose in poetry. It's a triumph of the Imagination, the more prosaic things are experienced as poetic. There's a place for that. But, like with Religion, there's the power of maintaining a dynamic of standards. 

So I'll make a few, not important, comments, in that vein. 




We sat opposites at a bay window table   

Clever strip of a word




waiting for breakfast after the bed 
and for me to speak.   

The the here adds to the poem


The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's   
as did the wipeable surfaces.   
   
Each setting had an earthenware vase   
with a single dusty silk rose   
that made me think of teeth   


that made me think,  . . . that phrase is always important to allow mentation of wordiness

and castanets. I made myself laugh   
but only inside.   
 
You were avoiding eyes     
as I closed one and lined   
the curve of the vase   

That's a nice three-line sequence

with the sweep of your hair,   
it was a perfect match. 


That introduction of the "intended audience" 's hair and the perfect match is fitting.
  
 
I thought about telling you   
but I knew the silence   
was carrying our bags to the car   

What you have here is good. I thought about breaking after carrying. But what you have has another resonance after having considering that, and the other way around.
The I can stay, when considering how the I reinforced the separate.



and eventually out of our home,                                 The question of a period or comma here can carry, either way.                                
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.   
 
I found it months later rolling around   
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine.                   two typos

[Lizzie]

Hi, Keith! Good to see you posting! Lots to like here. 

We sat opposites at a bay window table   
waiting for breakfast after the bed -- Clever wordplay acknowledged 
and for me to speak. 
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's -- The specificity is good here with anaglypta. I had to google the word, but it says so much about the atmosphere. This with the old rose give the place kind of a quaint, tacky feeling. Like maybe the establishment's best days are behind it, tying into the ending. 
as did the wipeable surfaces. -- I don't think that wipeable is right here. It's very clinical compared to the whimsical descriptions elsewhere. 
   
Each setting had an earthenware vase -- I'm struggling a bit with earthenware. I don't hate it, but it can be glazed or unglazed, come in any variety of patterns, etc. Makes the image fuzzy. 
with a single dusty silk rose -- Lovely detail. Adds a feeling of sadness, of something neglected or out-dated. Also seems to imply that the decorating staff is being a little lazy or cheap. 
that made me think of teeth -- I read this as meaning that the rose used to be white and is now yellowed with age. Clever. 
and castanets. I made myself laugh 
but only inside. 
 
You were avoiding eyes     
as I closed one and lined   
the curve of the vase   
with the sweep of your hair,   
it was a perfect match. -- There's a whimsy and curiosity in the narrator's perspective, contrasted with a seriousness in the other person. I like the detail of the narrator avoiding speech and the other person avoiding eye contact. It's also notable that the narrator is portrayed as being kind of silly and creative -- there's a playfulness to the associations that feels like the narrator is kind of a big kid or a little young-at-heart. This contrasts with the aging decor and the austerity of the other person.    
 
I thought about telling you -- This is the part that feels the saddest to me, both that the characters couldn't find a way to connect, but also that these little details could only be observed by the narrator. 
but I knew the silence   
was carrying our bags to the car -- Love the personification of the silence. It's surprising the way it comes around the corner, but it's not jolting. Nicely done. 
and eventually out of our home,   
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.   
 
I found it months later rolling around   
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine. -- I'd either use a semi-colon or an em dash between 'footwell' and 'it.' I'm torn about the ending. The poet in me understands what you're trying to signify, that the life had gone out of the relationship (and maybe it isn't missed), but the pedantic part of me says that it's not a revelation that food rots. I also feel like something losing it's luster is a bit of a stock image/phrase. It's not bad, but it doesn't quite bring home the ending for me. 

My top line advice is to go through each line and see if you can be a little bit more specific with some of the imagery and make sure that every detail is packing the right amount of punch.

Overall, it's a pleasing Keith write, as Keith writes usually are.

[Fearful Symmetry]

<These 2 stanzas are the poem, for me, and I really quite enjoyed them. It might be worth considering other titles. If you agree about shortening the piece, maybe something that leans in to the unspoken secret, something like “Undisclosed”.>

I thought about telling you   
but I knew the silence   
was carrying our bags to the car   
and eventually out of our home,   
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.   
 
I found it months later rolling around   
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine.

<I think a period after “home” would be more appropriate. Also, “car’s” instead of “cars”, a period instead of a comma after “footwell” and “its shine” instead of “it’s shine”.>

[Wjames]

We sat opposites at a bay window table   
waiting for breakfast after the bed 
and for me to speak.   
The anaglypta walls still hung to the 70's   
as did the wipeable surfaces.   
   
Each setting had an earthenware vase   
with a single dusty silk rose   
that made me think of teeth   
and castanets. I made myself laugh   
but only inside.   The first two stanzas paint a clear image, lovely how the items from the past give a feeling of nostalgia.
 
You were avoiding eyes     
as I closed one and lined   
the curve of the vase   
with the sweep of your hair,   
it was a perfect match.   I think you can cut 'it was'. This stanza is a nice subtle way of showing the poem is about the end of a romance (to my reading).
 
I thought about telling you   
but I knew the silence   
was carrying our bags to the car   
and eventually out of our home,   
I took a piece of fruit for the journey.   
 
I found it months later rolling around   
the cars footwell, it had lost it's shine. On my first read, I thought "it had lost it's shine" was a little bit of a weak way to end the poem. The more I think about it, the understatement of how decrepit a piece of fruit left for months in a car would be is interesting to dwell on.

Hey Keith, I don't have much crit to offer, just wanted to give my thoughts on reading it. 

I think it's lovely - you wonder what the narrator needs to tell that will seemingly end the relationship (or perhaps what they need to say is the only thing that could keep it alive?).