W4T (new title, revision, saying goodbye to this poem)

[TranquillityBase]

To My Therapist

These are the hot months:
you sit there so wise
you fill my mirror
inhabiting my eyes.

“An inside job,” you say
speaking in erasable ink
so this humble patient 
can read what you think.

I make it my mantra:
that evens the score.
Now we are equals
right down to the core.

W4T (Writing for Therapy)



Exiled by sunrise

I beg for a rest 

to escape the truths

I hear on your breath.



I watch your eyes’ movement

you sit there so still

as if you were every mirror

except the one that you fill.



I question my motives

counting words I could try.

My stuttering brain

expects me to lie.



An inside job, you say

speaking in erasable ink

so this mainline cultist 

can see what you think.







W4T (Writing for Therapy)







Exiled from sunset



I don’t know which way is best



to escape the lies



I smell on your breath.







These are the hot months:



you sit there so still



as if you were all mirrors



except the one that you fill.







I’ve questioned my sanity



offering tears at every halt.



My answers, loyal and quiet,



demand a little more fault.







An inside job, says the expert,



speaking in erasable ink



so this mainline cultist 



can see what he thinks.

[dukealien]

W4T (Writing for Therapy)

Exiled from sunset
I don’t know which way is best  this line breaks the rhythm, which is not necessarily bad or unintended.  Could it be shorter, punchier, though?
to escape the lies
I smell on your breath. very nice - alcohol or (symbolically) suspected falsehoods.

These are the hot months:
you sit there so still  hate to say it, but these two lines don't predicate the next two... maybe something about your skin gleaming with sun-induced sweat?
as if you were all mirrors
except the one that you fill. again, a great closer - a chameleon narcissist, as it were.

I’ve questioned my sanity
offering tears at every halt.  perhaps simplify - "...sanity,/offered tears..." ?
My answers, loyal and quiet,
demand a little more fault.  "demand" is good here, but "a little" is weak... could those two words be profitably cut?

An inside job, says the expert, is the second comma necessary?
speaking in erasable ink dynamite line/image!
so this mainline cultist  cult of love, admiration, or just followership - nice
can see what he thinks. Good conclusion - and how it ties back to the title.  Could be "read" instead of "see," but that's a mild suggestion.

This is good, rewards a second reading.  The above aren't hard recommendations except for the first two lines of S2, which I itch to rewrite so they support the following two.

[brynmawr1]

W4T (Writing for Therapy)

Exiled from sunset                    Exiled I get, but a little lost on what 'sunset' signifies, sleep?
I don’t know which way is best    I agree with Duke, would work better if it matched the meter of the other lines in the stanza
to escape the lies
I smell on your breath.             these last two lines are great

These are the hot months:        I like this line.  To me it refers to a period of being uncomfortable maybe with anger involved
you sit there so still                 I read this as frustration of inaction which leads into the next two great lines of being fixated/frozen on the reflection/being myopic.
as if you were all mirrors
except the one that you fill.

I’ve questioned my sanity
offering tears at every halt.    halt here is a little awkward and feels forced for the rhyme at the end
My answers, loyal and quiet,
demand a little more fault.     I wonder if there is another way to express this that might open up for better pairing with L2 above.  What I hear here is the narrator wanting the other to express more ownership of the situation, maybe?

An inside job, says the expert,
speaking in erasable ink
so this mainline cultist 
can see what he thinks.    I get a little lost on this last stanza but I think I've figured it out as explained below but it's a little confusing linking the nouns and pronouns and references.

Hi TqB,
Every stanza is very strong, I think.  I made some observations noted above.  The first few times through, I was reading it as if the narrator is referring to a separate person but then I realized that it works just as well, or better read as the narrator referring to themselves. Especially really taking the title into account.  This made the last stanza clearer for me but, as I noted above, I am still having some trouble parsing it out.
Strong piece!
Bryn

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Duke and Bryn,
I just completed a revision.  Need to look it over again now that I've been away from it for a bit, then I will be posting it.

TqB

[busker]

The original is so much richer. You’ve cut out too much and inserted a distracting try // lie rhyme.
S3 is weak in both versions, or at least weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Too much telling.
I liked the little detail of the ‘hot months’ in the original. The relevance wasn’t clear, but it made for a nice touch of something tangible and contrasted nicely with the hall of mirrors / broken mind image right after.

The ‘erasable ink’ line is, of course, the heart of the poem. Brilliant one, that.

[TranquillityBase]

The original is so much richer. You’ve cut out too much and inserted a distracting try // lie rhyme.
S3 is weak in both versions, or at least weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Too much telling.
I liked the little detail of the ‘hot months’ in the original. The relevance wasn’t clear, but it made for a nice touch of something tangible and contrasted nicely with the hall of mirrors / broken mind image right after.

The ‘erasable ink’ line is, of course, the heart of the poem. Brilliant one, that.

Thanks Busker,

I feared that was the result of my revision, but I was trying to 1) respond to Duke and Bryn's comments and (more importantly) 2) make it clearer to myself.  I seem to be my own worst enemy when it comes to revisions.

TqB

[Knot]

.
Hi Tim,
I agree with Busker, the revision hasn't improved things. I think the need to rhyme is an impediment. Say what you've got to say, rhyme later, or not!

(I can't make much of sense of S3 - so, with that in mind ...)


These are the hot months:

you sit there so still
as if you were all mirrors

the experts speak earnestly
in earasable ink

an inside job, they say

I can't find any way
to escape the lies

I smell on your breath.
...


Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

.
 Say what you've got to say, rhyme later, or not!

Thanks Knot.  I'm going to pin this to my forehead.