Cherub, chimera (v1.0 knot, TqB, Rowens)

[busker]

Cherub, chimera (v1.0 knot, TqB, rowens)

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
angelic thing
or dragon breathing
upon me, a mortal -
I remember the wings.

The black sepulchre
of non-being is eternal,
but your sight’s a spring
of light in the darkness,

a winter’s moon. You bring
a parade of faces
from familiar places
and days on the brink
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal -
I remember your wings.


Original

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
an angelic thing
or fire breathing dragon
upon me, a mortal -
I remember your wings.

The black sepulchre
non-being’s eternal,
but your sight’s a spring
of light in the darkness,

winter’s moon. You bring
a parade of faces 
from old, familiar places
and days on the brink 
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal -
I remember your wings.

[Knot]

.
Hi Busker,
enjoyed the read.
Couple of nits.




Cherub, chimera


Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were - .... I like the line, but doesn't it clash with 'Dante's immortal'?
an angelic thing
or fire breathing dragon ......... don't think these lines quite work ('thing' after L2 seems unnecessary, and it doesn't contrast well with the specifics of fire breathing dragon (and if 'fire breathing necessary'?)
upon me, a mortal - ......... I'd cut this, it doesn't add, and rather obstructs.
I remember your wings.


The black sepulchre ....... do you need this? Because the next bit ('your sight's ...) is teriffic
non-being’s eternal,
but your sight’s a spring
of light in the darkness,


winter’s moon. You bring
a parade of faces
from old, familiar places ...... that faces/places rhyme really intrudes (and 'old, familiar places' is a tad old and familiar, isn't it?)
and days on the brink
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal - .............. Might this not make a better title?
I remember your wings. ...... like the repetition, strong ending.




Best, Knot


.

[Kynaston Levitt]

Cherub, chimera

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
an angelic thing
or fire breathing dragon - isn't this redundant. It's like describing something as "feline" and then going on to say "a catlike thing". And a chimera literally is a fire-breathing monster/dragon—unless, of course, you have no confidence in your reader. 
upon me, a mortal - - I must admit, I am a little rusty at this here poetry thing, but isn't there some unwritten rule in "poetry 101" that tut-tuts at rearranging the natural order of words and sentences—isn't it called "poetry speak" or something similar? It's usually done to find a rhyme but here it's unclear why you did it. 
I remember your wings.

The black sepulchre
non-being’s eternal, - I had to look up the word "sepulchre", and even then I can barely make sense of what this is trying to say—something to do with "meontology" and Levinas? 
but your sight’s a spring
of light in the darkness,

winter’s moon. You bring
a parade of faces 
from old, familiar places
and days on the brink 
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal -
I remember your wings.

Yeah, I kinda gave up trying to make sense of it after the "non-being" bit. It's probably referencing something way over my head. But technically, I still think the syntax is overly poetic and only rewarding to a reader who can (or has the patience to) put all the fragmented pieces of this abstract and cryptic jigsaw puzzle together.

[busker]

@Knot - thanks for the crit. I struggled with constructing a poem to live up to the title, tbh, since a cherub and a chimera are quite dissimilar (!), and yet there's a pleasing sound to the pair which makes me loath to put the horse before the cart. How to get to the final strophe remains a challenge. Your feedback helps.
PS - if not chimera, then ephemera? genera? menora? surely there's a homonym somewhere that fits....


@Levitt - thanks for reading.  S2 is meant to be read as 'the black sepulchre (of) non-being (is) eternal'. Hope that helps decipher the rest of it, which isn't intended to be anything other than straightforward. 'Sepulchre' is a fairly common word, I'd think - there's the church of one that's supposedly holy.

[TranquillityBase]

Cherub, chimera

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
an angelic thing
or fire breathing dragon
upon me, a mortal -
I remember your wings.

The black sepulchre
non-being’s eternal,                I find all the contractions a hindrance to my reading
but your sight’s a spring       
of light in the darkness,

winter’s moon. You bring.       a winter's moon (?)
a parade of faces                  a train of faces (?)
from old, familiar places
and days on the brink 
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal -                 I don't get this line, if the poem references Dante (other than this mention), I''m not understanding the reference
I remember your wings.

Suggestions above aside, enjoyed the read.  Perhaps a different title, that calls out the Dante reference more plainly.

[rowens]

An angel is a chimera, usually. The typical human with bird wings. Or other strange brew.

The first stanza states that confusion.

The second stanza states contradictions, and a union of opposites, still somehow positive.

The third stanza starts with the winter moon over from the dark but obviously partially light parts above. Ends with a period. Then gives a long-lingering-flash-before-the-soul concreteness. The Dante reference used to cement it.

---

If you want to jazz it up with unique-sounding trickery:

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
an angelic thing

skip the an



or fire breathing dragon

or dragon breathing

upon me, a mortal -
I remember your wings.


Things like that. 

---

You could say:

I remember the wings.

To make it at-first-startling-subtlety-impersonal. A bit of sincere hesitation.

[busker]

Hey Rowens - this is gold. The pome does read better with those changes
Will update
Thanks

---

Thanks, all
This is one of those poems where workshopping has helped immensely

[Lizzie]

Hi, busker. I came here hoping for lyricism and was not disappointed. You've made excellent use of the critique you've received so far, and I approve of all the changes. I know you've been chewing your fingers down to nubs waiting for my thoughts on the matter. 

Cherub, chimera -- I like the title. You're correct that it's acoustically pleasing. It's also interesting that the ch is pronounced differently in each word which I felt highlighted the contrast between the words. I mean, I clicked on it out of a pile of poems, so it piques the curiosity if nothing else. 

Cherub, chimera,
whatever you were -
angelic thing
or dragon breathing
upon me, a mortal - -- I like 'a mortal' here because of the symmetry with immortal at the end. It gives continuity to the piece without drawing too much attention to itself. 
I remember the wings. -- At first, I didn't pick up on the subtle difference between this phrasing and the last line, but it does give the sense of slowly being drawn into a narrative, like a dream being gradually recalled. And then, at the end, the memory is full and the character directly addressed. It's delicate and beautiful. 

The black sepulchre -- Sepulchre is perfect. It pairs well with the Dante reference in the end (the overall Gestalt of it).
of non-being is eternal,
but your sight’s a spring -- Spring/winter contrast is lovely. Winter's moon is gorgeous. 
of light in the darkness,

a winter’s moon. You bring 
a parade of faces -- I don't dislike 'parade,' but I'm confused by it. Perhaps I'm making an American assumption that parades are happy, summer events. Maybe the connotation here is more religious in nature? Not a hair-on-fire issue, just throwing it out there that the tone is slightly off for me.
from familiar places -- And, yes, the faces/places rhyme does stand out. It's not unpleasant to the ear, but it does announce itself. Maybe it's because of how close together they occur compared to others. 
and days on the brink -- I like how 'brink' could relate to 'sepulchre'
of being forgotten,
Dante’s immortal - -- So, I don't understand the specific Dante reference, but his work is "public domain" enough that I roughly get the picture. And, I'm happy to take this missed connection as the natural consequences of being a Philistine in this regard. Dante's work is standard-issue poetry cannon, and there's no reason you shouldn't be able to reference to your heart's content on my account. 
I remember your wings. -- Lovely ending, fully immersed again in the dream (it feels like a dream, so I'm just assuming). 

All possible meanings are not evident on the face of it, but it's nowhere close to being non-sensical. I'm entirely unbothered by the possible ambiguities, and, in fact, I think that the reader is drawn in because there's so much scope for the imagination. You could certainly add more images or detail as you wish; there's room, but no urgency. 

Thanks for the lovely read,

Lizzie