April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1
#1
April Takes a Walk 

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of dried leaves.  A low winter sun
casts a shadow, broad and long,
 
almost tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks
 
back to see if he is still there,
but mostly she walks along, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broken through
 
the moist ground.  A purple tongue
getting its first taste of spring.


————
The original thread can be found here.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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#2
Great job on this one!
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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#3
This is beautiful, brynmawr - it is very difficult (for me at least) to use rhymes when there's no rhyme scheme, and this is excellent.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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#4
(06-03-2023, 07:33 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  April Takes a Walk 

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of dried leaves.  A low winter sun
casts a shadow, broad and long,
 
almost tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks
 
back to see if he is still there,
but mostly she walks along, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broken through
 
the moist ground.  A purple tongue
getting its first taste of spring.


————
The original thread can be found here.

Congratulations Bryn.  Thanks for all the poems and critiques.
TqB
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#5
Well, I don’t know what to say.  I’m honored and humbled to be in such company.  Thanks to everyone for all the generous time spent reading and critiquing.  Special thanks to Mark for helping me get out of my own way on this one. 
Bryn
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#6
Congratulations!  It is indeed a well-done and evocative piece:  deserved.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#7
Well done Bryn. The journey from first draft shows nicely how a poem can be tweaked and not dismantled. It's always a tightrope. You walked this one really well. Congrats
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#8
Glad to see you in here brynmawr! This is very nice walk to go on now and then. I'll come back to it again
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#9
This is sublime. Very well done.

What's there to write about spring and flowers and walks in the wood, you'd think
But the last line shows that you can still talk about old, familiar things in new, unfamiliar ways
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#10
Thanks again to everyone for your kind words.  No one achieves anything alone.
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