Sexy Pace

[Valerie Please]

Pom-pom purple chiffon
Sauconys on
and her color-pop satin sports top.
Wham bam pounding foot slam
heat shimmer asphalt land
at the corner he arrives and stops.

Says Mr Pickup Man,
“Pardon me ma’am”
interpreted into a blare.
He uses his horn 
to cheer sidewalk porn
“Could I rape you with my stare?”

“That’s ok no thanks” 
Escapes with grace,
imagines rearranging his face,
feeds the pace,
with the pom-pom going to prom
purple Sauconys on.

[brynmawr1]

Pom-pom purple chiffon
Sauconys on
and her color-pop satin sports top.
Wham bam pounding foot slam
waving asphalt land                           lost me on this line
at the corner he arrives and stops.

“Pardon me ma’am”
says Mr Pickup Man,
interpreted into a blare.             this line also confuses me
He uses his horn 
cheering sidewalk porn                  not sure 'cheering' is the right word
“Could I rape you with my stare?”    "May I..."?

“That’s ok no thanks”                  This line could be stronger
Escapes with grace,
imagines how to rearrange his face,       rearranging?
feeds the pace,
with the pom-pom going to prom
purple Sauconys on.

Hi VP,
I really like the rhythm and rhyme of this piece and the way you imbed an important topic within the lighter tone.  I always think the contrast of something serious wrapped in humor is very effective.  There were a few spots that didn't work for me noted above, but overall, nice work.
Take care,
Bryn

[Valerie Please]

Oh thank you B!

I didn't like the flow of the "rearranging" line so that's a simple and elegant solution. Additionally, you've given me some ideas for how to make some concepts clearer. I'm going to rework it.

Thanks for the feedback!

Val

[
quote="brynmawr1" pid='264328' dateline='1685538305']

Pom-pom purple chiffon
Sauconys on
and her color-pop satin sports top.
Wham bam pounding foot slam
waving asphalt land                           lost me on this line
at the corner he arrives and stops.

“Pardon me ma’am”
says Mr Pickup Man,
interpreted into a blare.             this line also confuses me
He uses his horn 
cheering sidewalk porn                  not sure 'cheering' is the right word
“Could I rape you with my stare?”    "May I..."?

“That’s ok no thanks”                  This line could be stronger
Escapes with grace,
imagines how to rearrange his face,       rearranging?
feeds the pace,
with the pom-pom going to prom
purple Sauconys on.

Hi VP,
I really like the rhythm and rhyme of this piece and the way you imbed an important topic within the lighter tone.  I always think the contrast of something serious wrapped in humor is very effective.  There were a few spots that didn't work for me noted above, but overall, nice work.
Take care,
Bryn
[/quote]

[Kynaston Levitt]

Pom-pom purple chiffon
Sauconys on
and her color-pop satin sports top.
Wham bam pounding foot slam
heat shimmer asphalt land
at the corner he arrives and stops.

Says Mr Pickup Man,
“Pardon me ma’am”
interpreted into a blare.
He uses his horn 
to cheer sidewalk porn
“Could I rape you with my stare?”

“That’s ok no thanks” 
Escapes with grace,
imagines rearranging his face,
feeds the pace,
with the pom-pom going to prom
purple Sauconys on.

This is brilliant. It's definitely the best poem I've read on here. One thing I would suggest, as the poem is about running, why not make the rhythm more strict and regular—like a running pace. I was thinking of that Dylan poem from Tarantula about a train, and when you read it aloud it actually sounds like a train going. I think you could do that with this and tighten it up to make it "sound" like running.

[Lizzie]

I think that this one would be fire written in anapests or dactyls because it has that pounding, galloping feel. What makes this one engaging for me is the specifics: the kind of shoes, the material of the top, the vehicle being driven by Mr. Inappropriate. It has the feel of a power ballad or something people listen to when they want to get hyped. The only thing I don't love is the blare/stare rhyme which feels a little forced. Overall, a fun read.

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Lizzie for bringing this back to the top of the posts.  I wasn't much taken by it when it first appeared, but this morning I'm loving it.  Still unclear about that next to last line "with the pom pom going to the prom"?  The edits to the original have made it better, but I'm also able to get into the spirit of it this time around.

TqB

[Mark A Becker]

Lizzie is correct that this piece needs anapests & dactyls to move it along.
Those devices would be most effective.