Make and Believe (rev.)

[TranquillityBase]

Make and Believe

Dreams of future past
hunt me down
in the briar patch of sleep
but I’m no Brer Rabbit
just a man at the frayed end
of a knotted string of hopes.

Brer Fox promises death
but a life of absurd syllables
demands more words from me
and that seems enough
to satisfy the elemental storybook.
And every time I look back 
into its fiery pages
it demands a different ending.

Make and Believe



Dreams of future past

hunt me down

in the briar patch of sleep

but I’m no Brer Rabbit

just a man at the frayed end

of a knotted string of hopes.



Brer Fox promises death

yet even that signature eludes me,

I guess I’m too clever

for my own good.

A life of syllables

demands more words

uttered in casual despair.



So I talk to myself

and that seems enough

to satisfy the eternal storybook.

It demands a different ending

every time I look up.

[rowens]

Make and Believe

Dreams of future past
hunt me down
in the briar patch of sleep


hunt me to sleep's briar patch 


Poetry has oft repeated rules which seem to exist to push you to newerness.
One is ________ of ________.  The something of something.
Said to try and not say things that way.

People take these rules seriously, and miss the forest for the pedantry. 

You can do tricks, though. You can make tones and moods and jokes by wording things certain ways knowing good and well that there are many of a certain kind of reader.



but I’m no Brer Rabbit
just a man at the frayed end
of a knotted string of hopes.

Brer Fox promises death
yet even that signature eludes me,


yet is another trigger word. 

Brer Fox promises death
feels stronger without punctuation marks, so yet might be the best choice. 



I guess I’m too clever
for my own good.


Guess I'm too clever   ?





A life of syllables
demands more words
uttered in casual despair.





So I talk to myself



So

But you could oddify it, like

So I talk myself
and that seems enough
to satisfy the eternal storybook.


eternal

Seems a useful place for a thesaurus. 
Though the obvious is often best. 

But choices abound for these winding down lines:

to satisfy the elemental storybook.
Even a mild rustic touch:
to satisfy the antique storybook.

It demands a different ending
every time I look up.

[TranquillityBase]

Make and Believe

Dreams of future past
hunt me down
in the briar patch of sleep


hunt me to sleep's briar patch        Yes


Poetry has oft repeated rules which seem to exist to push you to newerness.
One is ________ of ________.  The something of something.
Said to try and not say things that way.

People take these rules seriously, and miss the forest for the pedantry. 

You can do tricks, though. You can make tones and moods and jokes by wording things certain ways knowing good and well that there are many of a certain kind of reader.



but I’m no Brer Rabbit
just a man at the frayed end
of a knotted string of hopes.

Brer Fox promises death
yet even that signature eludes me,


yet is another trigger word.     thanks for this

Brer Fox promises death
feels stronger without punctuation marks, so yet might be the best choice. 



I guess I’m too clever
for my own good.


Guess I'm too clever   ?





A life of syllables
demands more words
uttered in casual despair.      I'm rather fond of this, but I'll look closer or listen closer and see





So I talk to myself



So

But you could oddify it, like

So I talk myself                          excellent
and that seems enough
to satisfy the eternal storybook.


eternal

Seems a useful place for a thesaurus. 
Though the obvious is often best. 

But choices abound for these winding down lines:

to satisfy the elemental storybook.               really like elemental storybook
Even a mild rustic touch:
to satisfy the antique storybook.

It demands a different ending
every time I look up.

Hey Rowens,

You should critique more often.  This is very helpful stuff. 

TqB

[Wjames]

Make and Believe

Dreams of future past
hunt me down
in the briar patch of sleep
but I’m no Brer Rabbit
just a man at the frayed end
of a knotted string of hopes. This is nice, especially these last two lines.

Brer Fox promises death
yet even that signature eludes me, Is 'signature' the right word? Maybe 'balm'?
I guess I’m too clever I agree with rowens, you could remove 'I'.
for my own good.
A life of syllables
demands more words
uttered in casual despair. This sentence seems to be the heart of the poem referenced in the title - saying negative things to yourself often becomes self-fulfilling, I like it.

So I talk to myself I disagree with rowens, I like talk to myself more than just, 'I talk myself' - I think talking to yourself reinforces who is believing.
and that seems enough
to satisfy the eternal storybook.
It demands a different ending
every time I look up. This ending is ambiguous to me - is it some sort of suicidal ideation type thing where the narrator is always thinking of different ways of ending things? It is not clear - which is fine, and can sort of enhance the poem because it made me spend some time thinking on it.

Hello Tranquil, this was a nice one. It's very different from the way that I write, so I find it difficult to make suggestions for improvement, but hopefully my thoughts are useful to you.

[TranquillityBase]

Hello Tranquil, this was a nice one. It's very different from the way that I write, so I find it difficult to make suggestions for improvement, but hopefully my thoughts are useful to you.

Wjames,

Thanks for the read and the notes.  I've revised it (well, the second stanza mostly) pretty extensively, to try to zero in on the words that fit whatever it is I am trying to say, taking into account what you and Rowens have said.  I don't think I've solved this one yet, as to meaning.

TqB