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I included the rough draft, hope that’s okay. I thought it might help with critique direction. I just really want to get better, lol.
tight rope trail blazer
dance between the lines
metaphoric
manifestation-
mirrors melding minds
influenced choices
duality divine
balancing act
failing, falling
do your best; rest
you were there all along.
How it’s going:
tight rope army
defend between the lines,
raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
steel soldiers
breach the eastern barricade
divine division-
fail to fly, fall into fire
prevail in blinded battle.
t
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(05-17-2023, 12:19 AM)galaxitchi Wrote: tight rope army
defend the
between the lines,
they raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
defend duality - divine division
fail to fly, fall into fire
strategy test.
t
Hi Galaxichi,
I bolded the bits I like. This is almost too much of a draft to critique. Comes across more as notes for a poem. But anyway, I like the bolded bits very much.
TqB
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(05-17-2023, 10:16 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (05-17-2023, 12:19 AM)galaxitchi Wrote: tight rope army
defend the
between the lines,
they raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
defend duality - divine division
fail to fly, fall into fire
strategy test.
t
Hi Galaxichi,
I bolded the bits I like. This is almost too much of a draft to critique. Comes across more as notes for a poem. But anyway, I like the bolded bits very much.
TqB
Thank you for the feedback! Can I ask what makes it across that way? What would make it a poem?
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(05-17-2023, 10:32 PM)galaxitchi Wrote: Thank you for the feedback! Can I ask what makes it across that way? What would make it a poem?
I'm just one reader. The last three lines seemed, to me, to be fragments of something bigger. But that's just my response to what you wrote. It's a poem when you say so.
I got the impression you were still working on it. So I was pointing out the parts that seemed to me the best lines and images.
So, I'm not saying it's not a poem, just that it didn't seem finished. In what you posted, the first section (the rough draft I think you called it)) seemed more complete and finished.
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Thanks for elaborating! Yea, I mean I get that it’s subjective…but I can count on my fingers and toes how many poems I’ve written, so I really appreciate educated and practiced perspectives! I’m definitely still working on it. Thanks again.
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tight rope army
defend the
between the lines,
You KNOW when you do that with the thes, the lattermost the has precedence of Concern/Aeffect
they raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
Consonance is somehow more of a slavelord than Assonance; but marching mirrors raiding
defend duality - divine division
does above; doesn't in this above line defend or divine.
It does in its way, but this blasting of protocol gets stuffy when it offers nothing but the same difference.
fail to fly, fall into fire
strategy test.
The failure to fly is glaring INSECURITY,
The failure to actually fall into fire is what this whole poem is about.
The last line is a Compensation. That C word gets a cap but not a full ones
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(05-18-2023, 06:12 AM)rowens Wrote: tight rope army
defend the
between the lines,
You KNOW when you do that with the thes, the lattermost the has precedence of Concern/Aeffect
they raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
Consonance is somehow more of a slavelord than Assonance; but marching mirrors raiding
defend duality - divine division
does above; doesn't in this above line defend or divine.
It does in its way, but this blasting of protocol gets stuffy when it offers nothing but the same difference.
fail to fly, fall into fire
strategy test.
The failure to fly is glaring INSECURITY,
The failure to actually fall into fire is what this whole poem is about.
The last line is a Compensation. That C word gets a cap but not a full ones
Thanks for your time and input! Reading your comment inspired a line too! Now I know the ending meaning definitely needs more clarity. 
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Your poem may have had all the clarity it needed. I like to skinny dip.
More about my skinny than the dip.
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(05-18-2023, 07:42 AM)rowens Wrote: Your poem may have had all the clarity it needed. I like to skinny dip.
More about my skinny than the dip.
It’s great getting different poet’s perspectives.
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Metaphoric?
tight rope
influenced choices
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(05-18-2023, 09:58 AM)rowens Wrote: Metaphoric?
tight rope
influenced choices
Yep, you could also call it a narrow path.
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I don't know. Are you saying something between tightrope and influenced choices that is alltime standout something you want to be remembered by?
Like if you were in that Johnny Cash movie and was laying by the side of the road, and the Devil gave you a century to choose the exact words of YPO, I mean, YOU?
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Bold assumption that I wanted to be remembered for anything!
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God's already said everything needs to be said, to live by. That's not enough for you.
You already know people already done all these sound games like you've done here, with these words . . .
You must want to be consequential.
That is the whole point of this site.
And youcan, I mean, noyeah,
You can.
What did you change?
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(05-18-2023, 10:14 AM)rowens Wrote: God's already said everything needs to be said, to live by. That's not enough for you.
You already know people already done all these sound games like you've done here, with these words . . .
You must want to be consequential.
That is the whole point of this site.
I’m just chasing the dopamine.
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Trim the normal. Add YOU
Dopamine is regular old stuff.
You're somebody.
Get that through your brilliant head!!!!!!
Some scientist made the poem dopamine.
Use that trope; or not
and run,
aesthetically pleasingly
wild
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(05-17-2023, 12:19 AM)galaxitchi Wrote: tight rope army
defend between the lines,
raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
steel soldiers
breech the eastern barricade I think you mean "breach"
divine division- see below
fail to fly, fall into fire
prevail in blinded battle.
Just a note to say I like your edit. One note: "divine division"; since the poem has a lot of military imagery, some readers might interpret "division" as the term used for a military formation. In your original, it was about duality, so "divine duality" might be better, if that's what you are meaning to say.
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05-18-2023, 11:08 AM
(05-18-2023, 10:17 AM)rowens Wrote: Trim the normal. Add YOU
Dopamine is regular old stuff.
You're somebody.
Get that through your brilliant head!!!!!!
Some scientist made the poem dopamine.
Use that trope; or not
and run,
aesthetically pleasingly
wild Haha, thanks!
Great advice, I think.
(05-18-2023, 10:53 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (05-17-2023, 12:19 AM)galaxitchi Wrote: tight rope army
defend between the lines,
raid reflections-
guard your marching mirrors.
steel soldiers
breech the eastern barricade I think you mean "breach"
divine division- see below
fail to fly, fall into fire
prevail in blinded battle.
Just a note to say I like your edit. One note: "divine division"; since the poem has a lot of military imagery, some readers might interpret "division" as the term used for a military formation. In your original, it was about duality, so "divine duality" might be better, if that's what you are meaning to say.
Thanks for the compliment and catching that!
Hm, I’ll have to rework it. I was hoping it would work bring both meanings to mind..too stretched, I guess.
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