Posts: 394
Threads: 159
Joined: Jan 2013
The winter sun
reflects white off snow,
burning the skin
on your dripping nose
without warmth,
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches
into Christmas lights
threatening to impale
the heart.
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Posts: 213
Threads: 35
Joined: May 2022
(05-07-2023, 04:15 AM)Wjames Wrote: The winter sun
reflects white off of snow, I feel like it breaks the rhythm a bit.
burning the skin
on your dripping nose
without warmth, I also think this line could go. I think its a 'mood' line but it feels out of place to me.
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches
into Christmas lights
that could impale at any moment. perhaps 'threatening to...' I would also consider adding a break after 'impale' of even maybe cutting 'at any moment'. maybe?
The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles This last stanza is perfect to me. Nice subtle ending that still packs a punch.
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
Hi Wjames,
I like this very much. When I first read it, it felt like you took awhile to get to it but after a couple reads not so much. Only some very minor suggestions.
Take care,
bryn
Posts: 394
Threads: 159
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks Bryn, I agree with most of your points, and have made some changes based on them.
I'm not sure about 'without warmth' - I somewhat agree with you in that it could maybe be improved, but I like how it contrasts with the burn and to me 'without warmth' also implies an interpersonal coldness (not sure if that translates to readers) which I like.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
