I remember you all- Loris, editor and poet, Rabelaisian raconteur, Regie, office Artemis, a fearful attraction, Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof, Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick, whom I dreamt about last night.
The library was in unexplained darkness, we were kissing, I was so goddamned young.
Waking, I put on Patti Smith, through her ecstatic anger I could replay the moments that made us a tribe lost in our Dionysian twenties.
Now scattered and outlawed by time I gather you again in my mind in necessary intercession.
Hi Tim-
The things that go through our minds as we grow older... I've had a few unusual dreams myself lately- past people and events mingling together in odd ways.
The Lost Tribe
I remember you all
Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man,
Regie, queen of a love hard as diamond,
Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof,
Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick,
who I dreamt about last night:good introduction of characters
the Library was like night,
we were kissing,
it was the mid 70s again.
I was so goddamned young. interesting sudden turn into a dream
So I woke and listened to Patti Smith, minor change
tracing your faces, hearing again your voices, minor change
replaying the moments that tied us together another minor change
or tore us apart in soon irrelevant anger , other minor changes (struck 'soon' added comma)
resurrecting the anguish and glory maybe 'resurrected' (ties back to listened)
of that tribe, vanished in time. maybe 'our' Not sure about this ending Tim. 'vanished in time' just seems out of place after you've just related some details that speak otherwise: the past hasn't really vanished, although the people may have. Maybe 'vanishing with time' ??? I think the 'vanishing' is happening in the present. Maybe a word other than 'vanish' ??? 'now scattered, like dust' ??? I dunno...
(02-09-2023, 03:54 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
The things that go through our minds as we grow older... I've had a few unusual dreams myself lately- past people and events mingling together in odd ways.
The Lost Tribe
I remember you all
Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man,
Regie, queen of a love hard as diamond,
Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof,
Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick,
who I dreamt about last night:good introduction of characters
the Library was like night,
we were kissing,
it was the mid 70s again.
I was so goddamned young. interesting sudden turn into a dream
So I woke and listened to Patti Smith, minor change
tracing your faces, hearing again your voices, minor change
replaying the moments that tied us together another minor change
or tore us apart in soon irrelevant anger , other minor changes (struck 'soon' added comma)
resurrecting the anguish and glory maybe 'resurrected' (ties back to listened)
of that tribe, vanished in time. maybe 'our' Not sure about this ending Tim. 'vanished in time' just seems out of place after you've just related some details that speak otherwise: the past hasn't really vanished, although the people may have. Maybe 'vanishing with time' ??? I think the 'vanishing' is happening in the present. Maybe a word other than 'vanish' ??? 'now scattered, like dust' ??? I dunno...
Thanks Mark,
I've edited, mostly using your suggestions, although I lengthened it a bit (sorry ). Now I'm not keen on the title, maybe The Rediscovered Tribe?
(02-09-2023, 02:59 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The Lost Tribe
I remember you all- Em dash, maybe? Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man, Regie, queen of a love, hard as diamond, comma? not sure about the 'a' Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof, Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick, whom I dreamt about last night. Wasn't sure so I looked it up. Pretty sure this is more grammatically correct.
Then the Library was in unexplained darkness, I was a little confused by the transition here, not sure if my edit helps. we were kissing, I was so goddamned young I mistook months for lifetimes.
Waking, I put on Patti Smith, tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments that made us a tribe lost in the hieroglyphs of youth.
I resurrect the anguish and laughter scattered and outlawed by time gathered again in my mind.
The Lost Tribe
I remember you all
Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man,
Regie, queen of a love hard as diamond,
Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof,
Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick,
who I dreamt about last night.
The Library was like night,
we were kissing,
it was the mid 70s again.
I was so goddamned young.
So I woke and listened to Patti Smith,
tracing your faces, hearing again your voices,
replaying the moments that tied us together
or tore us apart in soon irrelevant anger
resurrecting the anguish and glory
of that tribe, vanished in time.
TqB,
I obviously made some minor suggestions above. I like your edits. The last stanza reads better but I do feel something is lost in the connection between the 'moments' and the 'anguish and laughter'. I played around with it but couldn't come up with anything better. I was also a little thrown by the changing references of the pronouns but that could be me. I only mention it so you know.
Thanks for the read.
Take care
bryn
(02-11-2023, 04:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [quote="TranquillityBase" pid='263082' dateline='1675879197'] The Lost Tribe
I remember you all- Em dash, maybe? Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man, Regie, queen of a love, hard as diamond, comma? not sure about the 'a' Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof, Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick, whom I dreamt about last night. Wasn't sure so I looked it up. Pretty sure this is more grammatically correct.
Then the Library was in unexplained darkness, I was a little confused by the transition here, not sure if my edit helps. we were kissing, I was so goddamned young I mistook months for lifetimes.
Waking, I put on Patti Smith, tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments that made us a tribe lost in the hieroglyphs of youth.
I resurrect the anguish and laughter scattered and outlawed by time gathered again in my mind.
TqB,
I obviously made some minor suggestions above. I like your edits. The last stanza reads better but I do feel something is lost in the connection between the 'moments' and the 'anguish and laughter'. I played around with it but couldn't come up with anything better. I was also a little thrown by the changing references of the pronouns but that could be me. I only mention it so you know.
Thanks for the read.
Take care
bryn
Thanks for the notes and I'm definitely going to rework s. 2.
"but I do feel something is lost in the connection between the 'moments' and the 'anguish and laughter'': I'm not completely clear about what you mean, but I'll reread again, changing second stanza is likely to have a ripple effect I think.
I feel like I need to be more concrete about those "moments" but was trying keep it brief.
02-13-2023, 10:59 AM (This post was last modified: 02-13-2023, 11:01 AM by RiverNotch.)
I prefer the new version to the old one. There is a sense, with the sentences that go "A is B, C is D, E is F", that everything is simultaneously fragmented and whole, and the way the last stanza is broken up in the new version, as well as the way by which the last two stanzas are not directly connected with an "And" or a "So", reinforce this. Going forward, I'd suggest not using any other punctuation than what you're already using -- commas and periods -- so that, visually, the idea of "fragmented and whole" is reinforced, with none of the phrases being too far separated from the others. That said, and I suspect these are just typos, you seem to be missing a few marks:
(02-09-2023, 02:59 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The Lost Tribe
I remember you all [period or comma or, since the mark is just as narrow on the page, colon] Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man, Regie, queen of a love hard as diamond, [while not your original sense, I concur with an earlier reviewer, that there should be a comma between "love" and "hard", or else you may have to explain in the text why "Regie" is singled out] Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof, Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick, who I dreamt about last night.
The Library was in unexplained darkness, we were kissing, I was so goddamned young [comma at the end. Also, and this I ask as a general reader rather than as a critic, but is this the only reference-to-a-song in this stanza? Because, if that isn't the case, then this is the only one I caught xD] I mistook months for lifetimes.
Waking, I put on Patti Smith, tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments that made us a tribe lost in the hieroglyphs of youth.
I resurrect the anguish and laughter scattered and outlawed by time gathered again in my mind.
A somewhat Johnsonian note: stanza three, "tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments" is a bit disunited in terms of imagery, and in a way that speaks less of the poem than it suggests new possibilities for reading. "replaying moments" isn't strictly aural, but with "Patti Smith" and "hearing your voices" it's surely aural, leaving "tracing your faces" isolated as the only visual metaphor in that brief list. Maybe something that involves "groove" or "beat"?
But yeah, overall, that whole "fragmented but whole", lived-through-the-now-vanished-CBGB angle is felt. I'm left wondering if "Loris", "Regie", "Paul", and "Margaret" are people I might actually know, too, like Lester or Greil or Robert or Ellen or "Patti Smith".
(02-13-2023, 10:59 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: I prefer the new version to the old one. There is a sense, with the sentences that go "A is B, C is D, E is F", that everything is simultaneously fragmented and whole, and the way the last stanza is broken up in the new version, as well as the way by which the last two stanzas are not directly connected with an "And" or a "So", reinforce this. Going forward, I'd suggest not using any other punctuation than what you're already using -- commas and periods -- so that, visually, the idea of "fragmented and whole" is reinforced, with none of the phrases being too far separated from the others. That said, and I suspect these are just typos, you seem to be missing a few marks:
(02-09-2023, 02:59 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The Lost Tribe
I remember you all [period or comma or, since the mark is just as narrow on the page, colon] Loris, editor and poet, a bear of a man, Regie, queen of a love hard as diamond, [while not your original sense, I concur with an earlier reviewer, that there should be a comma between "love" and "hard", or else you may have to explain in the text why "Regie" is singled out] Paul, Vietnam Vet, playwright on a goof, Margaret, sad madonna, love-sick, who I dreamt about last night.
The Library was in unexplained darkness, we were kissing, I was so goddamned young [comma at the end. Also, and this I ask as a general reader rather than as a critic, but is this the only reference-to-a-song in this stanza? Because, if that isn't the case, then this is the only one I caught xD] I mistook months for lifetimes.
Waking, I put on Patti Smith, tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments that made us a tribe lost in the hieroglyphs of youth.
I resurrect the anguish and laughter scattered and outlawed by time gathered again in my mind.
A somewhat Johnsonian note: stanza three, "tracing your faces, hearing your voices, replaying moments" is a bit disunited in terms of imagery, and in a way that speaks less of the poem than it suggests new possibilities for reading. "replaying moments" isn't strictly aural, but with "Patti Smith" and "hearing your voices" it's surely aural, leaving "tracing your faces" isolated as the only visual metaphor in that brief list. Maybe something that involves "groove" or "beat"?
But yeah, overall, that whole "fragmented but whole", lived-through-the-now-vanished-CBGB angle is felt. I'm left wondering if "Loris", "Regie", "Paul", and "Margaret" are people I might actually know, too, like Lester or Greil or Robert or Ellen or "Patti Smith".
Thanks very much for this enlightening critique. I've posted a new version, which I hope doesn't ruin what you like about the previous version, but addresses things that both you and Bryn noted. Trying to do justice to the subjects, but also keep the poem from expanding.
I can't really think of any other group in my life who was so much like a family, if short-lived one (about 5 years), and had such a lasting impact on me. Thus, "a tribe", almost like a paradise that I want to return to, like the Plains Indian Native American prophets who promised the return of the buffalo and their way of life.
_________________________________________________
No wasn't using Patti Smith words on purpose, so that kind of slipped through, but I think it belongs.
I've been editing this, bit by bit. So, no more previous versions, but some significant changes. Feel a bit guilty about pushing it to the top of the recent Posts, but, anyway, there it is.
). Now I'm not keen on the title, maybe The Rediscovered Tribe?
