Passing Through With You

[Mark A Becker]

Passing Through With You

Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind.

Some days weren’t pretty either-
let's leave those all behind.

The road ahead, uncertain,
so what else can we find?

Inevitably, flowers-
will they be yours, or mine?

For the Bees

Some flowers
don't smell
so pretty,
but bees
don't seem to mind.

Some days
didn't smell
so pretty,
but we've left those
all behind.

The road
ahead
is cloudy now,
what else left
to find?

More
flowers?
Yours,
or
mine?

[TranquillityBase]

For the Bees

Some flowers
don't smell
so pretty,
but bees
don't seem to mind.

Some days
didn't smell
so pretty,
but we've left those
all behind.                       

The road
ahead
is cloudy now,                       never seen a cloudy road...foggy, dim, darkening ?
what else left                 maybe insert "is".......what else is left
to find?

More
flowers?
Yours,
or
mine?                         I just don't quite get the ending stanza.  I see the connection to bees, but I think it may be too pared down to make a satisfying ending for a reader.  "Yours/or/mine?" leaves it so wide open, it could mean anything.

My thoughts.

Tim

[RiverNotch]

This piece is basically in iambic tetrameter. The way you try and emphasize each word here by breaking the lines somewhat unconventionally is just frustrating, as it makes a slog of something so simple. Less demanding to either your readers or the printer, I think, would be to pull a Dickinson:

Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but bees -- don't seem to mind.

Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but we've left those -- behind.

The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
what else is left -- to find?

More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?

I also think this change improves the ending, as the em dashes are more visually appealing than a cascade of one word lines, but regardless of how you decide to revise this, I'm not sure what purpose most of the breaks serve. The breaks in this prospective line 7 are, indeed, visually appealing in and of themselves, while the breaks in lines 5 and 6 suggest a distance appropriate to the imagery of those lines, but the breaks in lines 1 to 4 seem to be there only to make the pace more deliberate, which is too one dimensional of a use.

As for the sense of the words, again, Dickinson: mortality, pastoral images, a deceptive sort of simplicity....Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece. Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3. Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them. And line 7....it's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?

[Mark A Becker]

ahead
is cloudy now,                       never seen a cloudy road...foggy, dim, darkening ?
what else left                 maybe insert "is".......what else is left
to find?
I just don't quite get the ending stanza.  I see the connection to bees, but I think it may be too pared down to make a satisfying ending for a reader.  "Yours/or/mine?" leaves it so wide open, it could mean anything.

Thanks Tim- the 'cloudy road' section does need work. That, and the lines leading to that section are where I was having an issue turning toward the ending.

---

1-Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
2-but bees -- don't seem to mind.

3-Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
4-but we've left those -- behind.

5-The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
6-what else is left -- to find?

7-More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?

Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece.
Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3.
Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them.
And line 7....it's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?

Thanks notch-
I broke down your coments and numbereed the lines to better understand them.  The way you've arranged this piece allows me to see the problem with Line 3 & 4. I'll work on those as they are the critical turn toward Lines 5 & 6, which also need work.
Thanks again- your comments are very helpful.
...Mark