Sun-ripening [edit, title change]
#1
Sun-ripening


Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;

those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.

Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.


Unintuitive


Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful
while those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.

Just so with Man:
remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.

Back from a slightly nasty bout of COVID, presumably the latest whiz-bang Omicron SBB 1.5.  Only the finest!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#2
It’s a clever piece of didacticism.
Some things to consider:

1) the title. It’s a clever poem, so can the title also be clever? Eg the first line or the last?
2) the first strophe reads a bit like a run on sentence. It might be better to lose the “while” and just break up S1 into 2 separate sentences

The new covid is a b****
A friend nearly died from it last month
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#3
(01-13-2023, 08:58 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Unintuitive


Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful
while those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.

Just so with Man:
remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.


Back from a slightly nasty bout of COVID, presumably the latest whiz-bang Omicron SBB 1.5.  Only the finest!
Hi Duke,
I agree with Busker and maybe you could do away entirely with S2 L1 or something broader, such as "As we age:".  Glad you are feeling better.
Take care,
steve
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#4
edit;

Sun-ripening


Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;

those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.

Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.



Thanks to both critics!  I'm a little concerned that with all mention of people removed, the metaphor may  not be apparent to the reader.  Present company's perception has already been tainted, as it were, by the previous version, so it's hard to tell.  But it does seem to read better.
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#5
Hi duke-
I think the title should be Tomatoes



Tomatoes
left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful
while those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.


Just so with Man:  Really 'Man'? I think you need to make this more personal.
remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.
  The way I interpret S.2 is "so cool I've gone cold"

That's just to say that you're almost on to a Williams-esque poem here (like This is Just to Say), but it's gotta be way more personal.

Tighten it up and keep it juicy.
Mark


just now saw yer edit. better
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#6
(01-15-2023, 12:47 AM)dukealien Wrote:  edit;

Sun-ripening


Tomatoes left out
in a sunny room
stay bright and flavorful;

those refrigerated
lose their sweetness
rot and shrink away.

Remaining fresh
demands not coolness
but incessant ripening.



Thanks to both critics!  I'm a little concerned that with all mention of people removed, the metaphor may  not be apparent to the reader.  Present company's perception has already been tainted, as it were, by the previous version, so it's hard to tell.  But it does seem to read better.
I worried about making it too vague as well but I think most people will get it if they spend a second.  And then they get the pleasure of that proverbial light bulb going on.
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