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01-08-2023, 02:12 AM
gray sky, thin a leastwise sun, a splattered silver peso behind clouds over head between eyes and cerulean promise imagined sentience around us but we fail when we touch ground feet like death’s glue restless scars itch to tell unending green stories against revolving surrender 
01-08-2023, 06:34 AM
(01-08-2023, 02:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: gray sky, thin as aThe section I highlighted is simply delicious phrasing. The white space used to enjamb "itch" and "to tell" is perfect. It takes "scars" from a regular noun into a personified noun with almost no effort. Well done. I like to play with white space and line breaks so it's super obvious to me when it's done well. Anyway. I meant the entire phrase. not just that one highlight. It's Haikuish by itself. 
01-14-2023, 01:12 PM
(01-08-2023, 02:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: gray sky, thin as a not a strong line endI love the lyric quality and use of white space. Not sure how I feel about the intermittent use of punctuation. I made some line break and other suggestions but you could play with them forever depending on the emphasis. Take care, steve 
01-14-2023, 11:55 PM
Hi Tim-
This poem is spread out like the land under the sky over Texas, and it's a very cool experiment of yours. sun splattered silver peso behind cloud over 'cloud over' ? Seems like you went singular to avoid 'cloud cover', and disrupts my reading. 'clouds over' , I think would would work better- the space between 'over' and 'head' is good: implies clouds. cerulean promise sounds so cool when spoken out loud we imagine Please don't tell me what to imagine. Either change 'we' to 'I' , or lose this line- the telling is interupting the showing. death’s glue this // double accent spondee works well death’s glue, a thousand glances long death can't 'glue' and 'glance' at the same time : the mixed metaphor throws glue in my eye. Maybe 'death's glue pulling against rotting wood' ? and just leave out the glancing part. simply told lose this thow-away line as it adds nothing. This telling once again interupts the showing- present the images unobstructed. restless scars itch to tell unending green stories this line is simply fantastic versus crow eyed, revolving surrender 'versus crow eyed' needs to be re-thought, as it confuses and blows the ending for me. 'revolving surrender' must stay, though. Thanks for this one, Tim- only a couple tweeks away from done, Mark
01-15-2023, 11:33 PM
Thanks Bryn and Mark. Edited version posted. Another experiment in spacing about to be posted as well.
01-18-2023, 04:02 AM
I think a space between the lines "but we fail" and "when we touch the ground" (instead of just a line-break) might enhance the flow.
gray sky, thin a leastwise sun, a splattered silver peso behind clouds over head between eyes and cerulean promise imagined sentience around us but we fail when we touch ground feet like death’s glue restless scars itch to tell unending green stories against revolving surrender I put some spaces where line-breaks were, just to see what you think of it. 
01-18-2023, 07:28 AM
(01-18-2023, 04:02 AM)burrealist Wrote: I think a space between the lines "but we fail" and "when we touch the ground" (instead of just a line-break) might enhance the flow. Hi Burrealist, I like what you did. I think I will adopt it. TqB |
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