Grand children would be easier
#1
We struggled to find a name
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest.
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper.
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like she owns it.
 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears.
 
I say she is everything.
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#2
We struggled to find a name
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest.
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper.
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like she owns it

an owner.

Do you understand how the context of the poem would agree with that phrasing? 

 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears.
 
You see how you have a rare opportunity here to be blatant but still subtle? 

I say she is everything.
Reply
#3
(11-07-2022, 01:17 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  We struggled to find a name
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest.
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper.
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like she owns it.
 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears.
 
I say she is everything.

First stanza is marvellous.  Intentional or not, I thought this was about a human infant until I got to the "tufted, terrier scruff/of a chin..."  Then I wondered if you'd birthed a freak.  "Suely not" I said to myself, "a bearded child?" and after a second or third reading, I realized I'd been tricked.  Or tricked myself with expectation.

Sorry, not much of a critique.  I guess I wouldn't change a thing.
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#4
(11-07-2022, 02:26 PM)rowens Wrote:  We struggled to find a name
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest.
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper.
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like she owns it

an owner.

Do you understand how the context of the poem would agree with that phrasing?   I do but I don't like it.  Turns the connotation in a different direction.

 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears.
 
You see how you have a rare opportunity here to be blatant but still subtle?  Tempted.  I might miss the rhythm of the cut parts.  How about ...her terrier scruffed chin

I say she is everything.
Hi Rowens,
Thanks for your suggestions.
Take care,
Bryn

(11-07-2022, 10:33 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(11-07-2022, 01:17 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  We struggled to find a name
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest.
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper.
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like she owns it.
 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears.
 
I say she is everything.

First stanza is marvellous.  Intentional or not, I thought this was about a human infant until I got to the "tufted, terrier scruff/of a chin..."  Then I wondered if you'd birthed a freak.  "Suely not" I said to myself, "a bearded child?" and after a second or third reading, I realized I'd been tricked.  Or tricked myself with expectation.

Sorry, not much of a critique.  I guess I wouldn't change a thing.
I almost titled it "Puppies" then tried to be clever.  Never been good at titling my poems.  Thought about adding a stanza about peeing in the house!
Thanks for commenting,
Bryn
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#5
Hi Bryn,

How about "Waiting for Grandchildren"? I don't think the current title quite fits the poem's sentiment, but the mention of grandchildren does work, I think. The original title made me think this as the speaker's own child, as opposed to a grandchild, which might be easier because of the lesser time/responsibility involved. The portrayal of the dog here doesn't make me think grandchildren would be easier, as it doesn't seem like a difficult dog or anything. 

All the best,

Trev

(11-07-2022, 01:17 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  We struggled to find a name [Shift from past tense here to present later felt awkward]
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest. [I don't get the idea in lines 2 or 3, but that might just be me]
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper. [put at end of previous line]
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like [she owns it - give a more visceral image: like a cat killing a pigeon, etc.].
 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears. [Great image for the ears]
 
[I feel another verse is needed here. The reply comes too quick. Slow the pace a bit near the end]

I say she is everything. [Quite a nice finish]
Reply
#6
Hey Trevor- most of us are now over at the "poem-a-day" thread called Let's Pretend it's April (LPiA-NOV) on MILOS FORUM
Please join us...
Hope to see you there!
Mark
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#7
Hi Mark,

Thanks for the heads-up. If I find time to check it out and contribute there, will do.

Trev

(11-12-2022, 08:19 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hey Trevor- most of us are now over at the "poem-a-day" thread called Let's Pretend it's April (LPiA-NOV) on MILOS FORUM
Please join us...
Hope to see you there!
Mark
Reply
#8
(11-11-2022, 05:33 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  Hi Bryn,

How about "Waiting for Grandchildren"? I don't think the current title quite fits the poem's sentiment, but the mention of grandchildren does work, I think. The original title made me think this as the speaker's own child, as opposed to a grandchild, which might be easier because of the lesser time/responsibility involved. The portrayal of the dog here doesn't make me think grandchildren would be easier, as it doesn't seem like a difficult dog or anything. 

All the best,

Trev

(11-07-2022, 01:17 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  We struggled to find a name [Shift from past tense here to present later felt awkward]
hoping to plug a hole or put
an egg back in the nest. [I don't get the idea in lines 2 or 3, but that might just be me]
 
Only eleven weeks, 8.9lbs
we decide on Penny, tho’
my wife has started calling her
Pepper. [put at end of previous line]
 
She loves that fuzzy bear we bought
at Target, soft as my heart,
which she ravages like [she owns it - give a more visceral image: like a cat killing a pigeon, etc.].
 
On walks people ask what she is
with her tufted, terrier scruff
of a chin and her half-mast ears. [Great image for the ears]
 
[I feel another verse is needed here. The reply comes too quick. Slow the pace a bit near the end]

I say she is everything. [Quite a nice finish]
Hi Trevor,
Thank you for your comments.  The tense issue was due to a last minute edit while I was posting.  Thanks for catching it.  Working on the inserted verse you suggested but I do worry that separating the question from the answer too much will confuse the reader, a little whip-lash.  Regarding the title, I see your point about linking to the theme of the poem.  Will work on that, too.  I appreciate your comments.
Cheers
Bryn
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