Posts: 24
Threads: 7
Joined: Aug 2022
If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below.
Tonight,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
Once the ground is gone,
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose,
but of the bat.
A quick change scatter dive.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our sight, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serves.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark.
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe
Posts: 242
Threads: 129
Joined: Feb 2022
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know: This statement is unnecessary
there is a ground below.
You could connect these two stanzas.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. Add a hyphen between sub and subconscious. Sub-subconscious. Flows better and is a bit humorous, if you're into that.
But tonight,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma. Terra infirma is a good description but sticks out more than the others.
A new world A" new world" is always a boring description. Show not tell. How is the world different?
not quire born from the ashes Quite?
of a still burning history.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form. I'm taken aback with this line a little. What does the gas from the fire form? Also, phoenix rising from the ashes is a bit cliché.
A demand for genesis.
But once the ground is gone,
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive. My favorite stanza
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. Descended dark?
Minimize the "buts" that indicate something's different or surprising. Again, show not tell.
Like the flight of the bat this poem is somewhat scattershot with its metaphors. I suggest condensing some of your main points.
The parts I most enjoyed were the beginning and the end. The middle languishes.
Posts: 888
Threads: 175
Joined: Jan 2021
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below. I like this opening a lot.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. I think just Unconscious would do it.
But this night,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
A new world
not quire born from the ashes
of a still burning history.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form.
A demand for genesis. these are great lines, but the jump from genesis to the following lines is jarring to me.
But once the ground is gone, here you switch to a more matter of fact voice than the cosmic one before
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. This is my favorite section of the poem, starting with "But once the ground is gone...." I was recently at one of the biggest bat caves in N.A., Bracken Cave, to see the bats come out. This is a spot on description.
All in all a excellent read. Hope my comments make some kind of sense.
TqB
_______________________________________________________
It occurred to me this morning, you might make this a two section poem; part I would be first 4 stanzas, ending with genesis; part II would be the rest of the poem.
Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below. nice opening. I wouldn't change it.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. I agree, 'unconscious' will do, but....I am not sure these first two lines add much. My comments below assume such.
But This night,
this dream feels different. the
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
A new world
not quire born from the ashes
of a still burning history. you have some punctuation issues in this stanza.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form.
A demand for genesis. need?
But once the ground is gone, even consider 'the ground gone,'
falling and flying are the same. Nice observation.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation, leave the reader to complete the thought
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive. I think you need only one of these lines since they convey the same thought. I suggest L4.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence, sight? You have a bit of a contradiction here in that you suggest that the senses don't work then suggest that you have a highly developed sense.
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. like the ending Hi Z,
Again, like you piece. Some inline suggestions. Looking forward to see how it develops.
bryn
Posts: 24
Threads: 7
Joined: Aug 2022
(09-21-2022, 03:55 AM)Semicircle Wrote: (09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know: This statement is unnecessary
there is a ground below.
You could connect these two stanzas.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. Add a hyphen between sub and subconscious. Sub-subconscious. Flows better and is a bit humorous, if you're into that.
But tonight,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma. Terra infirma is a good description but sticks out more than the others.
A new world A" new world" is always a boring description. Show not tell. How is the world different?
not quire born from the ashes Quite?
of a still burning history.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form. I'm taken aback with this line a little. What does the gas from the fire form? Also, phoenix rising from the ashes is a bit cliché.
A demand for genesis.
But once the ground is gone,
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive. My favorite stanza
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. Descended dark?
Minimize the "buts" that indicate something's different or surprising. Again, show not tell.
Like the flight of the bat this poem is somewhat scattershot with its metaphors. I suggest condensing some of your main points.
The parts I most enjoyed were the beginning and the end. The middle languishes.
Hi SC. I've incorporated edits and hopefully trimmed the fat. I actually read this (pre-edits) at an event recently and had similar feelings about the middle, but still wasn't sure what to do with it- thanks for the input!
-Z
(09-21-2022, 10:52 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below. nice opening. I wouldn't change it.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. I agree, 'unconscious' will do, but....I am not sure these first two lines add much. My comments below assume such.
But This night,
this dream feels different. the
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
A new world
not quire born from the ashes
of a still burning history. you have some punctuation issues in this stanza.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form.
A demand for genesis. need?
But once the ground is gone, even consider 'the ground gone,'
falling and flying are the same. Nice observation.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation, leave the reader to complete the thought
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive. I think you need only one of these lines since they convey the same thought. I suggest L4.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence, sight? You have a bit of a contradiction here in that you suggest that the senses don't work then suggest that you have a highly developed sense.
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. like the ending Hi Z,
Again, like you piece. Some inline suggestions. Looking forward to see how it develops.
bryn
Thanks, Bryn. I've edited based on suggestions. Appreciate the read/input. I read this (pre-edits) at a session recently and felt like it needed something but wasn't sure what to do with it. I feel like the edits from this group have greatly helped.
(09-21-2022, 05:39 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below. I like this opening a lot.
Even if it is never seen.
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows. I think just Unconscious would do it.
But this night,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
A new world
not quire born from the ashes
of a still burning history.
Gasses swirling.
Matter yet to form.
A demand for genesis. these are great lines, but the jump from genesis to the following lines is jarring to me.
But once the ground is gone, here you switch to a more matter of fact voice than the cosmic one before
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent.
A quick change scatter dive.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serve.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark. This is my favorite section of the poem, starting with "But once the ground is gone...." I was recently at one of the biggest bat caves in N.A., Bracken Cave, to see the bats come out. This is a spot on description.
All in all a excellent read. Hope my comments make some kind of sense.
TqB
_______________________________________________________
It occurred to me this morning, you might make this a two section poem; part I would be first 4 stanzas, ending with genesis; part II would be the rest of the poem.
Thanks, TqB. I've trimmed based on yours/other's edits. Maybe these changes address the issues with the middle? Would like to hear your thoughts.
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe
Posts: 888
Threads: 175
Joined: Jan 2021
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below.
Tonight,
this dream feels different.
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.
Once the ground is gone,
falling and flying are the same.
Our flight is not that of the goose,
but of the bat.
A quick change, scatter, dive
counter-clockwise.
Searching. The sunrise still hours away.
Our sight, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serves.
So we fly,
if only by echolocation,
through the descended dark.
I like what you've done. I've suggested some commas and thrown in a word you may or may not want to add. Something I learned at the bat cave.
TqB
|
