mor then ded (retro)

[TranquillityBase]

I forget the exact prompt for this, but it was something about writing a poem in a different form of English.  This is an attempt to write a poem in a post-apocalyptic English a la Russell Hoban's Riddley Walker:

thers no poent init inimor
no poent in ohpning eis to shur
sky so blu so symple not myn
inimor than roks or wyld dog sun

go all wun, go daun ta river bank
see thuh drown men, seen bi all
floatng in grean waterd road
wher sypris pray daun to ruuts

if simpl simon sez so, ruuts groan
bak to bak an sauer the erth
dog grawls the fyr bak into ded bodied
far away horisen, haf a wurld

befor in fayth with lost mynds
now brokn speers, where rat senks teeth
inits owen ded, an ther sweet breth
spreds lyk rottn clawth wythout

there’s no point to it anymore
no point in opening eyes to sure
blue sky so simple not mine
anymore than rocks or wild dog sun

go all one, go down to the river bank
see the drowned men, seen by all
floating in the green watered road
where cypress pray down to roots

if simple simon says so, roots groan
back to back and sour the earth
dog growls the fire back into dead bodied
far away horizon, half a world

before in faith with lost minds
now broken spears, where rat sinks teeth
in its own dead, and their sweet breath
spreads like rotten cloth without.

[ZHamilton]

I forget the exact prompt for this, but it was something about writing a poem in a different form of English.  This is an attempt to write a poem in a post-apocalyptic English a la Russell Hoban's Riddley Walker:


thers no poent init inimor
no poent in ohpning eis to shur
sky so blu so symple not myn
inimor than roks or wyld dog sun (This feels very opaque. As this is an important line (being the final line of the first section), consider whether to let the reader in a bit more). 

go all wun, go daun ta river bank
see thuh drown men, seen bi all
floatng in grean waterd road
wher sypris pray daun to ruuts

if simpl simon sez so, ruuts groan
bak to bak an sauer the erth
dog grawls the fyr bak into ded bodied
far away whorisen, haf a wurld      

befor in fayth with lost mynds
brokn speers, where rat senks teeth
inits owen ded, an ther sweet breth
spreds lyk rottn clawth wythout

An interesting prompt, indeed! There are certainly pitfalls in trying in offering a critique of a piece written in a language one doesn't speak, but I'll proceed...I'm working on the assumption that you did not intend a one to one translation of modern English words to the post-apocalyptic version. (I could not discern a clear meaning for some individual words- whorisen?) But, taken as a whole, it carries the strong imagery and tone throughout. It struck me, perhaps surprisingly, as a hopeful work. Hopeful in that there will still be poems, and poets, on the other side of the apocalypse. 

[TranquillityBase]

An interesting prompt, indeed! There are certainly pitfalls in trying in offering a critique of a piece written in a language one doesn't speak, but I'll proceed...I'm working on the assumption that you did not intend a one to one translation of modern English words to the post-apocalyptic version. (I could not discern a clear meaning for some individual words- whorisen?) But, taken as a whole, it carries the strong imagery and tone throughout. It struck me, perhaps surprisingly, as a hopeful work. Hopeful in that there will still be poems, and poets, on the other side of the apocalypse. 

Thanks for giving it a go.  I've already edited "whorisen" to "horisen".  Actually I was trying for an almost one to one translation, so any places that were unclear, I'd like to hear about.

I may add a translation as a spoiler?  Not sure.

TqB