Christmas Future
#1
This is what you would become
had I not shown the future.
I’ll give you the choice–
will you defy nature
to further your own ends
or will you bear responsibility?
Either way, I can trust in you
to make the wrong decision.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#2
(09-18-2022, 07:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
This is what you would become
had I not shown the future.
I’ll give you the choice–
will you defy nature
to further your own ends
or will you bear responsibility?
Either way, I can trust on you
to make the wrong decision.

I really like the setup (first three lines), but not so much the choices or the conclusion.  Just too much of a downer.  Maybe if you could consense it more:

I'll give you the choice-
defy nature
or bear responsibility?

As for the conclusion, I'm not going to put words in your mouth.....I'd even say cut the conclusion.

Just my 2 cents/sense,
Thanks for the read of both poems.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
(09-18-2022, 07:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
This is what you would become
had I not shown the future.
I’ll give you the choice–
will you defy nature
to further your own ends
or will you bear responsibility?
Either way, I can trust on you
to make the wrong decision.

In basic critique, this is certainly intriguing.  Spoken, presumably, by a self-conscious seer (or crystal ball?) confident of his/her/its accuracy in the initial prediction but not actually certain - except in a somewhat snarky way - of the querent's reaction.

My strongest suggestion is to change "on" to "in" simply because "trust in" is the more usual expression (as is "depend on," but that would widen the "hips" of the picture  Big Grin ).

A more nebulous observation is that the two described options aren't strictly opposite or distinct - a person could defy nature BY choosing to bear responsibility, for example.  But by defining them as distinct, the reader is forced  (or at least encouraged) to construct a scenario in which they are.  Neat.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#4
(09-18-2022, 07:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
This is what you would become
had I not shown the future.
I’ll give you the choice–
will you defy nature
to further your own ends
or will you bear responsibility?
Either way, I can trust in you
to make the wrong decision.

I have improved it, thanks for the critiques Duke and Base. I will keep the downer ending though, I think it resonates more than if it was just a simple question because of its accusatory tone.

Also, I'm laughing Duke, that's a good one.
"Whenever is a really long never"
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