Jazz Design
#1
Anywhere was a lazy train ride through a shipwreck cove
that smelled of orange chicken and pizza,
where flamingoes danced mechanically to singing clams.
Because there was every reason to laugh
time away, being sweetly frozen by Dippin' Dots in light
that Lola captured between shopping,
she was careful to save those days in plastic bins
beneath the towering rows of her clothes and purses.
So, when we’d trace the crisscross of contrails
on the ride home, and she’d reach for us behind her seat,
all we ever had to do was hold her hand
since we were already smiling.
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#2
(09-16-2022, 02:22 PM)Velasco Wrote:  Anywhere was a lazy train ride through a shipwreck cove
that smelled of orange chicken and pizza,
where flamingoes danced mechanically to singing clams.
Because there was every reason to laugh
time away, being sweetly frozen by Dippin' Dots in light
that Lola captured between shopping,
she was careful to save those days in plastic bins
beneath the towering rows of her clothes and purses.
So, when we’d trace the crisscross of contrails                     last stanza lost me, just too much new imgagery?
on the ride home, and she’d reach for us behind her seat,
all we ever had to do was hold her hand
since we were already smiling.

Hi Velasco,

I'm part of the ride until I hit that contrails line.  Dunno what that means, just how it reads to me.

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
(09-16-2022, 02:22 PM)Velasco Wrote:  Anywhere was a lazy train ride through a shipwreck cove  
that smelled of orange chicken and pizza,
where flamingoes danced mechanically to singing clams.  I really like these opening lines
Because there was every reason to laugh
time away, being sweetly frozen by Dippin' Dots in light
that Lola captured between shopping,      this feels like an incomplete clause.  'between shopping....what?
she was careful to save those days in plastic bins
beneath the towering rows of her clothes and purses.    rows and clothes....nice internal rhyme, even 'purses' seems to fit the rhythm. 
So, when we’d trace the crisscross of contrails             we traced?
on the ride home, and she’d reach for us behind her seat,   she reached?
all we ever had to do was hold her hand
since we were already smiling.

Hi Velasco,
I enjoyed your poem.  Made me think of a trip to Disney.   I have made some in line edits/suggestions.  In addition, I wonder whether it would read better in the present tense.  I agree that the penultimate line makes a better ending.  You could switch the last two lines and maybe rework the wording a bit.
Thanks for the read,
bryn
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