On the Wall
#1
On the Wall

A mirror’s intrusion
dispels a delusion
of youth.

It’s merely reflecting
while I try deflecting
the truth.

A mirror’s intrusion
dispels all illusions
of youth.

It’s merely reflecting
while I try deflecting
the truth.
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#2
(09-15-2022, 03:26 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  On the Wall

A mirror’s intrusion
dispels all illusions
of youth.

It’s merely reflecting
while I try deflecting
the truth.
Hi Mark,

Another good one!  Only two thoughts.  Maybe add an 's' to intrusion or remove from illusions.  I was also kicking around changing 'illusions' to 'delusions'.  A little different connotation. 
Thanks for sharing,
steve
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#3
(09-15-2022, 03:26 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  On the Wall

A mirror’s intrusion
dispels all illusions
of youth.

It’s merely reflecting
while I try deflecting       
the truth.

All that is bolded could be removed. 

Also, maybe the mirror reflects your deflection back at you:

merely reflecting
my deflection of    
the truth


Cheers for the read, 
Sc
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#4
(09-15-2022, 04:49 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Hi Mark,

Another good one!  Only two thoughts.  Maybe add an 's' to intrusion or remove from illusions.  I was also kicking around changing 'illusions' to 'delusions'.  A little different connotation. 
Thanks for sharing,
steve

Hey Steve

Yes, I will lose an 's' and change to 'delusion'. Good eye!

Thanks,
Mark

(09-15-2022, 04:59 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  All that is bolded could be removed. 

Hey slicer-
The only problem with your slicing is that this one follows a self-imposed structure of syllables-per-line and end rhymes:

6 /a
6 /a
2 /b

6 /c
6 /c
2 /b

What's a post-it-note-poet to do?
Mark
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