Address Unknown
#1
It’s before sunrise
too early to call out your name,
but I wanted to check in.

I’m back from the mountains
with a toothache 
and your mother is still sleeping.

Just so you know
I moved your iron man
onto the patio.
He’s lost those delicately wired arms 
enduring too many storms
(he’s top heavy as you said
the last time I saw you)
but still peers patiently
at me, the way you used to
when I told you my stories.

You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I hope there’s still a way
for you to receive it.

If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole 
even death cannot close.





Sunrise

and I send this to you

via strangers 

in the internet ether.



I’m back from the mountains

with a toothache.



I moved your iron man

onto the patio.

He’s lost his arms 

after too many storms

but still peers patiently

at your leftover father.



You will always be part of me

so I send you this news.

I pray there’s still a way

for you to receive it.



If not, that’s OK too,

for my words to you

are a loophole 

even death cannot close.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#2
Hi Tim-

Very poignant piece, and I love its simplicity. I think it would be most effective if you picked it up here:

I moved your iron man
onto the patio.


This poem harkens back to your Rayuela. Thanks for this one,
Mark

Hello again Tim-
I subtracted a bit, but did not change any of your words, and only added one other word- a simple 'and ':


I moved your iron man
onto the patio. He’s lost
his arms- too many storms-
but still peers patiently

at your leftover father.
I send you this news
and pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.

If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.


This is powerful piece, Tim, regardless of my suggestions.  The 1/8 of the iceberg you share reveals the weight of the 7/8 that only you can know.
Mark
Reply
#3
(09-14-2022, 11:31 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi Tim-

Very poignant piece, and I love its simplicity. I think it would be most effective if you picked it up here:

I moved your iron man
onto the patio.


This poem harkens back to your Rayuela. Thanks for this one,
Mark

Hello again Tim-
I subtracted a bit, but did not change any of your words, and only added one other word- a simple 'and ':


I moved your iron man
onto the patio. He’s lost
his arms- too many storms-
but still peers patiently

at your leftover father.
I send you this news
and pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.

If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.


This is powerful piece, Tim, regardless of my suggestions.  The 1/8 of the iceberg you share reveals the weight of the 7/8 that only you can know.
Mark

Thank you Mark, an excellent critique.  It was very much a first draft and I'll be taking your rewrite on.

Tim
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#4
(09-14-2022, 10:21 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  I’m back from the mountains
with a toothache.

 leftover father.

You will always be part of me

my words to you
are a loophole 
even death cannot close.

Each of those words are like a hammer blow. 
This is one of those poems that editing will ruin and should be left as it is, quite perfect.
Reply
#5
Hello again Tim,

Whatever (minor) changes you may make PLEASE DO NOT mess with that last stanza- those last three lines are truly stunning.

OK then, that's enough of blowing smoke up yer wazoo. 

Mark
Reply
#6
Hmmm.  Two of my superheroes of critique put me truly between a rock and a hard place on this one.  Thank you both for your reads and reactions.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#7
(09-16-2022, 05:47 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  Hmmm.  Two of my superheroes of critique put me truly between a rock and a hard place on this one.  Thank you both for your reads and reactions.
I'm on the side that says leave it alone.
Reply
#8
Well Tim-
I ain't no superhero of critique, but I do know that the following lines de-personalize this very personal piece, and I do recommend cutting them.  Everything else could remain, and I only suggest a slight formatting change. Treat this one like a fine piece of wood that only needs light sanding, and no varnish. I really am impressed with your handling of a very delicate subject.


via strangers
in the internet ether.



Sunrise, and I send this to you:
I'm back from the mountains
with a toothache. I moved
your iron man onto the patio.

He’s lost his arms
after too many storms
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.

You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.

If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.




Reply
#9
(09-16-2022, 06:21 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Well Tim-
I ain't no superhero of critique, but I do know that the following lines de-personalize this very personal piece, and I do recommend cutting them.  Everything else could remain, and I only suggest a slight formatting change. Treat this one like a fine piece of wood that only needs light sanding, and no varnish. I really am impressed with your handling of a very delicate subject.


via strangers
in the internet ether.



Sunrise, and I send this to you:
I'm back from the mountains
with a toothache. I moved
your iron man onto the patio.

He’s lost his arms
after too many storms
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.

You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.

If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.



 

Thanks again Mark, sorry about the superheroes===got carried away.  how about superjinjas?

I was hesitant about those lines.

Tim
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#10
I've rewritten in my own way, increasingly didn't care for the internet part and "leftover father" began to grate on me.  May have elaborated too much, but I looked at every word and it's more the way I would talk to him.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!