The last
#1
When ripe,
we succumb
she knows.


Thoughts peter
and resurge–
each step perfectly 
landing.


Together
we are alone
she sees farther
than we ever could.


Her light guides us
in calm pools
of black, 
as we wander
unconscious:
all in one,
a dull bulb.


Crowd silenced,
blinded, rotten–
our gods stripped naked
vanquished. 


She remains.
"Whenever is a really long never"
Reply
#2
(09-12-2022, 03:09 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  Succumb when         
you are ripe,
she knows 
when.                   There is something off about this first stanza.  Maybe "When ripe/ you(we) will succumb..."  Also "when" is used twice.  Maybe cut last one.


Thoughts peter    Kind of like the use of 'peter' as verb and maybe a name.
and resurge–
each step lands landing?
perfect.              perfectly?


Together
we are alone,    Like this phrase
she sees farther
than we ever could.


All in one,               Kind of want to reverse to 'One and all' but not sure I like that any better
a dull bulb.


Crowd silenced,
blinded, rotten–
their gods vanquished.   maybe 'our' since you use 'we' earlier


She remains.
Hi Sc
I find this to be very effective.  Although, (and don't take this the wrong way), I rarely really "get" your pieces.  I still enjoy the ambiguity, at least for me!
Thanks for the read,
steve
Reply
#3
(09-12-2022, 05:22 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(09-12-2022, 03:09 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  Succumb when         
you are ripe,
she knows 
when.                   There is something off about this first stanza.  Maybe "When ripe/ you(we) will succumb..."  Also "when" is used twice.  Maybe cut last one.


Thoughts peter    Kind of like the use of 'peter' as verb and maybe a name.
and resurge–
each step lands landing?
perfect.              perfectly?


Together
we are alone,    Like this phrase
she sees farther
than we ever could.


All in one,               Kind of want to reverse to 'One and all' but not sure I like that any better
a dull bulb.


Crowd silenced,
blinded, rotten–
their gods vanquished.   maybe 'our' since you use 'we' earlier


She remains.
Hi Sc
I find this to be very effective.  Although, (and don't take this the wrong way), I rarely really "get" your pieces.  I still enjoy the ambiguity, at least for me!
Thanks for the read,
steve

I find surrealism a good approach to horror since the concept is often formulaic.

Also, peter means to fade gradually before coming to an end.

Cheers for the critique!
SC
"Whenever is a really long never"
Reply
#4
(09-12-2022, 03:09 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  When ripe,
we succumb
she knows.      


Thoughts peter
and resurge–                   -- like this part a lot
each step landing
perfectly.                          -- might consider moving 'landing' to this line.  


Together
we are alone,                   -- the comma breaks it up a little, I don't think you need it. a la stanza 1
she sees farther
than we ever could.           


All in one,
a dull bulb.                


Crowd silenced,
blinded, rotten–                         
our gods vanquished.


She remains.

There is an eerie simplicity to this poem that I really enjoyed. little I would change that you haven't already.
Reply
#5
(09-12-2022, 03:09 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  When ripe,
we succumb
she knows.              


Thoughts peter
and resurge–
each step landing
perfectly.                  I am sensing the tension of a duality in ripeness/rotting (succumbing)...


Together                  and in being alone, together...
we are alone,
she sees farther.        
than we ever could.


All in one,               but it feels like that gets dropped in the second part of the work without a clear reason why or indication of what replaces it. 
a dull bulb.


Crowd silenced,     
blinded, rotten–
our gods vanquished.  


She remains.
 r
. But, I'm wondering why she then remains with the gods 
What I enjoyed about this work was that it feels to me like abstract photography of the nerves, to paraphrase John Koethe. But the transition between the first half and the second could benefit from being brought a bit more into focus. She wh
Reply
#6
(09-13-2022, 01:56 PM)ZHamilton Wrote:  
(09-12-2022, 03:09 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  When ripe,
we succumb
she knows.              


Thoughts peter
and resurge–
each step landing
perfectly.                  I am sensing the tension of a duality in ripeness/rotting (succumbing)...


Together                  and in being alone, together...
we are alone,
she sees farther.        
than we ever could.


All in one,               but it feels like that gets dropped in the second part of the work without a clear reason why or indication of what replaces it. 
a dull bulb.


Crowd silenced,     
blinded, rotten–
our gods vanquished.  


She remains.
 r
. But, I'm wondering why she then remains with the gods 
What I enjoyed about this work was that it feels to me like abstract photography of the nerves, to paraphrase John Koethe. But the transition between the first half and the second could benefit from being brought a bit more into focus. She wh

Really good points you have highlighted. I have made a couple additions, some unrelated, but for fun.

Thank you!
"Whenever is a really long never"
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!