My friend, your face
#1
My friend, your face

My friend, your face 
grows dearer the farther 
you go away from me.
Awash in the sea
are all our days
together

for futurity,
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth 
still grows memories 
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.
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#2
Just some thoughts on how I would change things up if I were you. I think your poem is nice overall but I wasn't sure why "for futurity" needed to be added. It didn't flow as well, however, that's just my opinion. Excellently done, though.

My friend, your face

My friend,
your face grows dearer the farther you go away from me.
Awash in the sea 
are all our days together
yet the thought of your eyes fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth 
still grows memories of the things that you were,
whatever you may be.
[/quote]
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#3
(09-06-2022, 10:24 AM)busker Wrote:  My friend, your face

My friend, your face 
grows dearer the farther 
you go away from me.      drift
Awash in the sea   at
are all our days
together

for futurity,                              I agree with Johnin, futurity seems overkill
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth 
still grows memories 
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.

This poem is beautiful and brightened my day a little. 
Some small suggestions above, otherwize, good piece.

Cheers for the read,
SC
"Whenever is a really long never"
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#4
Hi busker-
Your poem is an interesting observation of friendship. Some in-line comments, below:


My friend, your face

My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you are from me.  Just suggesting an internal rhyme
Awash in the sea  Perhaps "lost at sea" or something like that to suggest loss
are all our days
together

for futurity,  I find this phrase distracting
yet The thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.
  Hmmm ?? This ending needs work. Finding a 'natural' rhyme with 'memories' will help it pop. I have asn ending in mind, but it's not my poem.

Keeping this one compact can work if the language is tightened. 
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#5
(09-06-2022, 10:24 AM)busker Wrote:  My friend, your face

My friend, your face 
grows dearer the farther 
you go are away from me.
Awash  Adrift(?) in the sea
are all our days
together

for futurity,  This distracts. Were you reaching for an alternative to "eternity" here? 
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth 
still grows memories 
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.

It feels to me like some of the word choices here are attempts to avoid cliche, but these, instead, result in some distracting sections. It wouldn't take much to resolve these issues, though. I enjoyed imagining the friendship that must have given rise to the work. 
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