Don't start
#1
It pains me to say but I'm hardly a guy,
saw one Disney movie and started to cry.
You appreciate how I won't harm a fly
but say i look goofy and I start to cry.
I've tried connecting all the stars in the sky
and stared til the asteroids started to cry.
I've wondered the number of bars in Dubai,
and if I drink past the void you'd start to cry.
What if we meet up at some party to fry,
you wink at some young guy so I start to cry?
This letters too wet to say 'darling goodbye',
what the Ellís in my eye I'm starting to cry.
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#2
(08-12-2022, 10:04 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  It pains me to say but I'm hardly a guy, perhaps a different punctuation here to show next line is a consequence... em dash rather than comma?
saw one Disney movie and started to cry.
You appreciate how I won't harm a fly perhaps a little re-wording or re-arranging to conform to rhythm (see below)
but say i look goofy and I start to cry. Does alternating upper and lower case "I" have a purpose?
I've tried connecting all the stars in the sky
and stared til the asteroids started to cry.
I've wondered the number of bars in Dubai, nice little internal near-rhyme
and if I drink past the void you'd start to cry.
What if we meet up at some party to fry, a little forced on this end rhyme?
you wink at some young guy so I start to cry?
This letters too wet to say 'darling goodbye',
what the Ellís in my eye I'm starting to cry. A little puzzled by "Ellís "

The single end-rhyme for all verses is capably carried through; it works.  Only L9 ("fry") is not colloquial for a social activity as (for example) "chill" is.

Each line contains the same number of beats, but after the first couplet some of them break the rhythm established by that couplet unless the reader gives words unnatural stress.  I think the poem would work as well or better with the wording changed or adjusted to maintain the same line meter throughout... though it will not be easy!

Take, for example, the last line.   It can be read

what the ELL is in MY eye I'm START ing to CRY 

following the pattern of the first couplet.  A more naturally conforming line could be

what the ELL'S in my EYE now I'm START ing to CRY (please pardon the rewrite, which ignores the mysterious "Ellís").

So, in rewriting, I'd suggest - in basic critique - working on the rhythm/meter a bit.

That said, it's a pleasing poem, even tragic, about an over-sensitive speaker.  Nice.
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