Truant Soul
#1
If you can’t take a joke
you shouldn’t’ve got born
unless you’re a bullet proof boy scout
coz the tattooed lady
won’t bail you out.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling
from where you were just standing
and waking up
won’t spare you the pain.

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
without a joker’s smile.

If incarnation’s your thing
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends.
The moral is always
just the start of the game.




If you can’t take a joke
don’t get born
unless you’re a bullet proof snail
coz the tattooed lady
won’t come to your aid.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling
from where you were just standing
and waking up
doesn’t spare you the pain.

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
I’m not wearing a joker’s smile.

If incarnation’s your thing
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends
coz the moral is always
just the start of a game.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#2
(08-06-2022, 01:27 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  If you can’t take a joke
don’t get born  Unfortunately, people don't have a choice in the matter. This may be a joke in itself.
unless you’re a bullet proof snail
coz the tattooed lady
won’t come to your aid.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling s
from where you were just standing  
and waking up
doesn’t spare you the pain.  This is my favorite stanza. Bravo.

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
I’m not wearing a joker’s smile.    I would remove or replace these lines. They seem forced.

If incarnation’s your thing 
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends
coz the moral is always
just the start of a game.

From what I gather of this poem, it is about someone who opts out of life and make excuses for why they do, making promises about how they'll make up for it later.

Cheers for the read,
Sc.
"Whenever is a really long never"
Reply
#3
(08-06-2022, 01:27 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  If you can’t take a joke
don’t get born                   shouldn't 'ave got
unless you’re a bullet proof snail         this line confuses me with "snail".
coz the tattooed lady
won’t come to your aid.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling
from where you were just standing'
and waking up
doesn’t spare you the pain.   won't?

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
like me, a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
I’m not wearing a joker’s smile.   ambivalent about this change.

If incarnation’s your thing
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends    maybe period to end this line and remove "coz" to make last two lines one sentence.
coz the moral is always
just the start of a game.      the?
Hi TqB,
Nice job.  Like the rhyme.  Made some suggestions above for you to consider.
take care,
steve
Reply
#4
(08-06-2022, 03:22 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
(08-06-2022, 01:27 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  If you can’t take a joke
don’t get born  Unfortunately, people don't have a choice in the matter. This may be a joke in itself.
unless you’re a bullet proof snail
coz the tattooed lady
won’t come to your aid.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling s
from where you were just standing  
and waking up
doesn’t spare you the pain.  This is my favorite stanza. Bravo.

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
I’m not wearing a joker’s smile.    I would remove or replace these lines. They seem forced.

If incarnation’s your thing 
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends
coz the moral is always
just the start of a game.

From what I gather of this poem, it is about someone who opts out of life and make excuses for why they do, making promises about how they'll make up for it later.

Cheers for the read,
Sc.

Thanks for the read and the suggestions.  I'm taken aback by your interpretation.  Certainly describes me.  Didn't realize I was so transparent  Wink

(08-06-2022, 11:23 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(08-06-2022, 01:27 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  If you can’t take a joke
don’t get born                   shouldn't 'ave got
unless you’re a bullet proof snail         this line confuses me with "snail".
coz the tattooed lady
won’t come to your aid.

It’s a hard thing
coz chance comes hurtling
from where you were just standing'
and waking up
doesn’t spare you the pain.   won't?

I’m telling you this
coz practice just makes a tool,
like me, a perfect fool.
I’ve been here a while,
I’m not wearing a joker’s smile.   ambivalent about this change.

If incarnation’s your thing
be a marble in the hand
of a ghetto kid where the rainbow ends    maybe period to end this line and remove "coz" to make last two lines one sentence.
coz the moral is always
just the start of a game.      the?
Hi TqB,
Nice job.  Like the rhyme.  Made some suggestions above for you to consider.
take care,
steve

Thanks Bryn.  I like many of your edit suggestions.  FYI, "bullet proof snail" was originally "bullet proof boyscout", stolen from the K-Pop band's name (translated from the Korean).  I may put it back and add an attribution as a spoiler.

Tim
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#5
Hey Tim-

I really like the first two lines, and the last two lines.  Everything in the midlle is "just like, uh, your opinion, man" **

Always like your stuff,
Mark

** quote borrowed from the Dude, in The Big Lebowski  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vBesOFURek
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