Sea Life (edit)
#1
I sit on the Delaware shore
my toes digging the sand.  Above,
 
an osprey soars on grey and white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
they emerge, a meal of silver
 
gleaming, tight in his talon. 
The raptor flies on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of tanned children,
 
salted in surf, playing till they’ve
had their fill, nourished by every wave.

I sit on the Delaware shore as

my toes investigate the sand.  Above,

 

Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.

Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     

 

piercing the shimmering blue;

reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam

 

tight in their talon. 

The raptors climb on 

 

amid the shriek and holler

of sandy, tanned children.

 

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.
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#2
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes investigate the sand.  Above,
 
Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam
 
tight in their talon. 
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.
 
Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.
Forgive me, but I can't help wishing the title was "Shore Lunch." (except that "shore" is already in L1) 
Also, would move "as" down to L2. 
Nice images.
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#3
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes investigate the sand.  Above,
 
Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.              with apologies to Semi, I'd add an "and":  "grey and white wings" and does "osprey" need capitalization?
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam        gleams? (and maybe move it to beginning of next line)
 
tight in their talon.            talons?
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.
 
Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve            
had their fill, sustained by every wave.     I read these lines as referring to both the children and the osprey.  If so, maybe something besides "eat".

Interesting juxtaposition of the killing and playing.  Idyllic but not overly so.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#4
(08-05-2022, 07:08 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes investigate the sand.  Above,
 
Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam
 
tight in their talon. 
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.
 
Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

Forgive me, but I can't help wishing the title was "Shore Lunch." (except that "shore" is already in L1) 
Also, would move "as" down to L2. 
Nice images.
Hi Tiger,
I'm pissed I didn't think of the title myself.  It's perfect.
Take care,
bryn

(08-06-2022, 01:25 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes investigate the sand.  Above,
 
Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.              with apologies to Semi, I'd add an "and":  "grey and white wings" and does "osprey" need capitalization?
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     I went back and forth on the hyphen.  I think you are right.
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam        gleams? (and maybe move it to beginning of next line)  From a distance you can only see a gleam of light and I like the sound of it.
 
tight in their talon.            talons?         went back and forth on the "s" here and on wing.  I liked the crisper sound without the "s".  I'll think on it.
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.
 
Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve            
had their fill, sustained by every wave.     I read these lines as referring to both the children and the osprey.  If so, maybe something besides "eat".

Interesting juxtaposition of the killing and playing.  Idyllic but not overly so.
Hi TqB,
Thanks for your suggestions.  The eating for the kids was originally "eating life ...." but I took life out and put it in the title. I'll make some edits
Take care,
bryn
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#5
Hi Steve-

Just a few in-line suggestions


I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes digging the sand.  Above,

osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                   

piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver "reborn" doesn't seem like the right word.  Also dropped "gleam" to the next line and added an "s"

gleams, tight in their talons.
The raptors climb on  "climb on" could be put another way

amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve Somehow, "salted in surf" makes the osprey seem ready to be eaten
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

I always appreciate the realism of "observation poems" like this one.
Thanks,
Mark
Reply
#6
(Yesterday, 04:44 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi Steve-

Just a few in-line suggestions


I sit on the Delaware shore as
my toes digging the sand.  Above,

osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                   

piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver "reborn" doesn't seem like the right word.  Also dropped "gleam" to the next line and added an "s"

gleams, tight in their talons.
The raptors climb on  "climb on" could be put another way

amid the shriek and holler
of sandy, tanned children.

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve Somehow, "salted in surf" makes the osprey seem ready to be eaten
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

I always appreciate the realism of "observation poems" like this one.
Thanks,
Mark
Hi Mark,

Thanks for your suggestions.  Both you and Tim didn't like gleam on that line.  I was keeping silver and gleam together because, to me, the words represent one thing, like "doghouse" without compounding the words.  And the last stanza refers to the children.  When I wrote it I was aware of too many "they"s and the confusion it might cause.  I will make some edits to clarify, I hope.
Thanks again,
steve
Reply
#7
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore
my toes digging the sand.  Above,
 
osprey soar on grey and white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver-gleam
 
tight in their talon. 
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of tanned children,
 
salted in surf, playing till they’ve
had their fill, nourished by every wave.

I sit on the Delaware shore as

my toes investigate the sand.  Above,

 

Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.

Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     

 

piercing the shimmering blue;

reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam

 

tight in their talon. 

The raptors climb on 

 

amid the shriek and holler

of sandy, tanned children.

 

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

I liked the parallel between being nourished by the waves and being nourished by fish.
The mental / experiential and the purely physical blending into one.
The revised version is more economical, and has a sustained image throughout.

It might be better if it were a single osprey, perhaps. I pictured several dive bombing in unison, and it was rather comical. 
The only line I didn't quite like was 'reborn....gleam'. A bit over the top in calling fish that. Too flowery, as it were.

The rest, lovely.
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#8
(11 hours ago)busker Wrote:  
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore
my toes digging the sand.  Above,
 
osprey soar on grey and white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver-gleam
 
tight in their talon. 
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of tanned children,
 
salted in surf, playing till they’ve
had their fill, nourished by every wave.

I sit on the Delaware shore as

my toes investigate the sand.  Above,

 

Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.

Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     

 

piercing the shimmering blue;

reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam

 

tight in their talon. 

The raptors climb on 

 

amid the shriek and holler

of sandy, tanned children.

 

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

I liked the parallel between being nourished by the waves and being nourished by fish.
The mental / experiential and the purely physical blending into one.
The revised version is more economical, and has a sustained image throughout.

It might be better if it were a single osprey, perhaps. I pictured several dive bombing in unison, and it was rather comical. 
The only line I didn't quite like was 'reborn....gleam'. A bit over the top in calling fish that. Too flowery, as it were.

The rest, lovely.
Hi Busker,
Thanks for commenting.  There were multiple osprey, although not diving in synchrony.  That would be something.  Multiple people have stumbled over my "gleam" imagery.  That's one of my favorite parts, but I can't ignore such knowing opinions!
Take care,
bryn
Reply
#9
(1 hour ago)brynmawr1 Wrote:  
(11 hours ago)busker Wrote:  
(08-05-2022, 06:37 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  I sit on the Delaware shore
my toes digging the sand.  Above,
 
osprey soar on grey and white speckled wing.
Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     
 
piercing the shimmering blue;
reborn they rise, a meal of silver-gleam
 
tight in their talon. 
The raptors climb on 
 
amid the shriek and holler
of tanned children,
 
salted in surf, playing till they’ve
had their fill, nourished by every wave.

I sit on the Delaware shore as

my toes investigate the sand.  Above,

 

Osprey soar on grey-white speckled wing.

Tucked, they plunge with fierce precision                     

 

piercing the shimmering blue;

reborn they rise, a meal of silver gleam

 

tight in their talon. 

The raptors climb on 

 

amid the shriek and holler

of sandy, tanned children.

 

Salted in surf, they eat till they’ve
had their fill, sustained by every wave.

I liked the parallel between being nourished by the waves and being nourished by fish.
The mental / experiential and the purely physical blending into one.
The revised version is more economical, and has a sustained image throughout.

It might be better if it were a single osprey, perhaps. I pictured several dive bombing in unison, and it was rather comical. 
The only line I didn't quite like was 'reborn....gleam'. A bit over the top in calling fish that. Too flowery, as it were.

The rest, lovely.
Hi Busker,
Thanks for commenting.  There were multiple osprey, although not diving in synchrony.  That would be something.  Multiple people have stumbled over my "gleam" imagery.  That's one of my favorite parts, but I can't ignore such knowing opinions!
Take care,
bryn

By Bryn - I see your point.
The silver gleaming fish is a good image in itself. I think the issue is in the “meal”. If, instead, it’d been “fish gleaming like silver” or “fish like silver”, or something along those lines, it would work better.
The substantive nature of the image you’re trying to draw works better when you state what the object is, rather than leave it to the reader to infer what it was 
Anyway, that was just my 2c

Just saw your edit. I think the “gleaming” reads a lot better. Nice work
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