Weight as Fate - edit, title change
#1
Weight as Fate


Gravity fails not
nor varies, yet wind blows;
breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.

Weight as Destiny


Gravity fails not
nor varies yet wind blows
and breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.
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#2
(07-23-2022, 03:56 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Weight as Destiny


Gravity fails not
nor varies yet wind blows
and breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.
Hey Duke. While the line breaks serve as implied commas, I feel like the first 2 lines are one pause short. A comma after "varies" was my first instinct, but there are a few approaches that would work if you're inclined...

Gravity fails not, nor varies
yet wind blows...

or 

Gravity fails not
nor varies, yet wind blows...
------

Also, the close repetition of "and" in L3 is slightly problematic. Feels like L3 should begin with "while" except that "while" is used in L4. Suggestion would be...

while breath and birds defy it
as they live

Admittedly, your grammar is much better than mine, but a little tinkering might make for a smoother read. The content stands as is. 

Paul
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#3
(07-23-2022, 03:56 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Weight as Destiny


Gravity fails not
nor varies yet wind blows
and breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.

This is a lovely poem.
I sneaked a peek at Tiger's suggestions, and while they make a lot of sense, I need to say something new, don't I?  Big Grin

I think omitting the definite article in the second line makes it a bit - for lack of a better word - clunky. That, and the eschewing of punctuation. But the latter is a personal preference.
The only thing that I actually dislike in the poem is the title. The content is far too sublime for such a prosaic headline.

The poem operates smoothly at two levels. That's not unusual. What I was not expecting was the last line. It's slipped in like a subtle thunderbolt, a thing of beauty. Yes, our individual sticky ends are unforeseeable and unique. Each bird, each man, is an island.

Glorious stuff.
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#4
edit;

Weight as Fate


Gravity fails not
nor varies, yet wind blows;
breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.




Thanks to both critics; very pleased the ideas got across and were appreciated.

Despite this being so short (or because it is?) I find myself hemmed in when I try to apply the critiques.  For example, I had to stick with "while" in L4 to suggest duration, which cascades back.  Still not satisfied with the title:  it tells rather than shows, and now seems a little flippant with the rhyme (but "Gravity as Destiny" is worse... "Fate as Weight?")

Things that came to mind after writing but while revising:  the angel feather motif in "Forrest Gump" and the [in]famous "death is lighter than a feather" from the Imperial Rescript.

Probably the worst trap is the first line:  I dislike inversions, but can't find an alternative.  At best, its archaism might put the reader in a serious frame of mind.
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#5
For what it's worth, I had considered bringing up the inversion in L1 as problematic, but with each read it felt more natural and I became fine with it. I'm not sure inversions are bad in and of themselves, for me it's more about how they might affect or direct the read. "Gravity does not fail" might read stronger in a lot of cases, but in context the inversion seems to work better. It sets up the rest of the poem better.
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#6
Hey Duke-

I'm not sure the title is working, and it's very tricky for this short one.

I'd suggest Irrefutable, as a suggestion to enhance the double entendre of "gravity".

That said, I'm intriqued by various approaches to the irony of our thinking that we can overcome the gravity of being human (hope that makes sense).

Mark
ps - I'll post one of mine in MISC that "adds weight" by a syllable per line, even as the N strives to be escape gravity.
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#7
(07-25-2022, 09:54 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hey Duke-

I'm not sure the title is working, and it's very tricky for this short one.

I'd suggest Irrefutable, as a suggestion to enhance the double entendre of "gravity".

That said, I'm intriqued by various approaches to the irony of our thinking that we can overcome the gravity of being human (hope that makes sense).

Mark
ps - I'll post one of mine in MISC that "adds weight" by a syllable per line, even as the N strives to be escape gravity.

I'm not crazy about the title, either (one).  The original, I thought, had a facile gloss to it, but when a critic actively dislikes, ya gotta do *something*.  Perhaps a replacement as simple as "Weight" could work.

Liked the stairsteps in your misc.  Comment there.
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#8
(07-23-2022, 03:56 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Weight as Fate


Gravity fails not
nor varies, yet wind blows;
breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.

Weight as Destiny


Gravity fails not
nor varies yet wind blows
and breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.
First, I really like the poem.  I do have a suggestion for the title.  I first thought of "Stochastic" or "Stochasticity" but they seemed a little blah. But with a little digging I came across "Bohmian Mechanics".  A little more deterministic but much more poetic, I think.  Not to under cut my own suggestion, I also think something simple like "Fate" or "Destiny" work as well.  To me the poem is not about gravity but about the unpredictable nature of life as juxtaposed with the predictable force of gravity(life's burdens).
late night musings,
bryn
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#9
Gravity fails not (potentially archaic) Gravity never fails
nor varies. (becomes superfluous)
Yet the wind blows;
breath and birds defy it 
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.

[pre verse]
Works well as a poem but is not logical or scientifically accurate/believable. I can agree that the wind defys gravity, but not breath. Birds at a stretch. Hope I'm not being overly critical. Im new here.
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