Consecrating Harmony
#1
Consecrated Harmony

Eager wounds express their knowledge in the dawn,
bloody
from the darkness, weary guns cry out--
noisy
forking through a desert, a frightening fight endures.
fiercely
Armies, the obscure lambs in autumn, stop, then step:
charging
The evanescent systems imploding within, truculent children immolated into
battle.


Consecrated Harmony

Empty wounds illume their knowledge in the dawn,
bloody
from the darkness, weary guns shout--
noisy
forking through a desert, a frightening fight endures.
fiercely
Armies, the recondite lambs in autumn, stop, then step:
charging
The evanescent systems imploding within, most truculent children were immolating off
to war.
Reply
#2
(07-11-2022, 11:00 PM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Consecrated Harmony

Empty wounds illume their knowledge in the dawn,         if the wounds are empty, how can they illume (and I don't care for the archaic "illume") ?
bloody
from the darkness, weary guns shout--                      guns "shout" seems the wrong word here......"cry out, wail, clamor...."?
noisy
forking through a desert, a frightening fight endures.
fiercely
Armies, the recondite lambs in autumn, stop, then step:                 "obscure lambs" or something less latinate than "recondite"
charging
The evanescent systems imploding within, most truculent children were immolating off
to war.                 immolated into war?

T-
A lot of interesting images here, but it reads like a set of notes for an unfinished poem.  

A few notes above.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#3
Empty wounds illume their knowledge in the dawn,
bloody

Empty of blood. 


from the darkness, weary guns shout--

Shout, but not shoot or shot.


noisy


Dark noisy.
Sunlight, wounds empty. 



forking through a desert, a frightening fight endures.
fiercely


I see the hanging words outside the periods. I think they can as well fit between the periods. 




Armies, the recondite lambs in autumn, stop, then step:
charging


I see the play of autumn youth and death, stopping, starting, and intensely charging.


The evanescent systems imploding within, most truculent children were immolating off
to war.


All this is/was evanescent. Not bad. Not exactly novice, as this section of the forum used to be called. 
To war anyway. The most truculent. 
Reply
#4
Thank you TqB and rowens for the comments. Edited version posted above.
Reply
#5
(07-11-2022, 11:00 PM)Torkelburger Wrote:  Consecrated Harmony

Eager wounds express their knowledge in the dawn,
bloody
from the darkness, weary guns cry out--
noisy
forking through a desert, a frightening fight endures.
fiercely
Armies, the obscure lambs in autumn, stop, then step:
charging
The evanescent systems imploding within, truculent children immolated into
battle.

T-
Like this new version very much.  Seems a completed poem now.  Good work.

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!